One day at a time

I decided that I can only worry about what I have in front of me, and not what I have looming down the road. Committments stress me out and I am sick of trying to prepare myself weeks out for things that are so fleeting... a shower, a wedding, company, vacation, school events for the kids... whatever... Summer is supposed to be a time to kick back and enjoy and that is what I will do.

It's really hard to do though - change how I act and re-act. It's uncomfortable. I guess that's why I haven't done it yet. I guess that's why it feels so much like work.

My Monday on a Tuesday...

I made it to the gym for a quick 35 minutes on the treadmill. It was almost not worth going, but I am glad I did. Things at home were a little dicey. We all woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have a ton of errands to do and I can't because... I have to wait around for a windshield guy to come and replace mine (some foreign object smashed it on the highway). I also have to wait around Thursday since my clothes dryer died... Another little item I will have a hard time living without. I am feeling anxious... My house is in disarray after a long weekend with Dad home...

On the WW front, my eating today is pretty good. I am OP still and planning on making it through the night. I need to keep on top of at least one aspect of my life and DIET is what I choose today.

My longest ride of the year...

I went out yesterday with my sisters for our first group training for Danskin. The weather was GORGEOUS! 25 miles of rolling hills with 4 killer hills thrown in for good measure. It was not a fast pace since we decided to keep together, but we finished in 1:48 - averaging 13.6 mph. I would like to have that well above 14 before Danskin. It think its totally doable.

We were going to run afterwards, but my younger sister isn't in the best shape, and we all forgot to apply sunscreen before we left SO decided to rehydrate and jump in the pool (heated --- it is New England afterall). The families showed up around one for a cookout and I felt surprising energetic. On the diet front, I ATE TOO MUCH. I just can't seem to get a handle on things. I don't know why a good bout of exercise equates freedom to eat everything --- I have to get it under control. I am logging the food and will continue to do so. I am OP today and will hopefully get back on track enough to show a loss come Thursday.

I know I have a lot of stress coming up in the next few weeks... I'm throwing a bridal shower for a friend, I am in her wedding at the end of the month. I have guests staying with us and the house is not really together. My kids are finishing up school and we're off on vacation for the 4th. It all seems like a lot to deal with....

EXERCISE!!! EAT WELL!!! SLEEP!!!

Spinning is fun for 60 minutes...

Not 90. Today's class was HARD. I am EXHAUSTED. It was the first spinning class ever where I thought I might hurl. I worked. I feel good. I am OnProgram.

I put together my Tri workout for Danskin. It is on paper, not in my head. I have something to follow. Sunday I am biking 25 with my sisters, followed by a short 2 mile run - just to see how it feels... We're supposed to have weather in the 80s and even 90 on Monday. Guess there's no time like the present to acclimatize... I LOVE summer, but I am not a good hot weather exerciser. DRINK WATER!!!

It was JUST a salad...

OK, I have to be honest. I ate too much this week. I logged every morsel of food and I know for sure that it was too much to yield any kind of loss. I don't know why there is such a disconnect from what I want vs. what I do... I am obviously concious of what I am eating.... I mean I write it all down so I know how many calories, and I know what I should eat in order to lose the weight. WHY?

With one exception - ooo that Wendys.... My sister and I were cleaning out my mother's garden last night (our little Mom's day gift). It was late 6:00 pm and we'd lost track of time. My kids were starving. I was starving... My mom suggested Chinese or Pizza... I thought weigh in.... "How 'bout a salad from Wendys???" My sister went and picked them up -" just get anything," I said to make the ordering easy. "Just make sure to get the lowfat dressing." What I got was the Chicken BLT salad... Hmmm.... How bad could it be? I found out this morning. 680 calories - 46 grams fat!!! Talk about BLOWING IT. I should have had a cheeseburger!!! LESSON LEARNED.

I will move on, accept what is coming at WW today and get my act together! I can't keep repeating this pattern of apathy... I won't ever quit trying !

What made it CLICK for you?

I know when I journal my food, I am successful at losing or at least maintaining my weight. I ate alot yesterday... I started my period this morning, so I know why I couldn't satisfy myself. I wrote it all down. Today is a new day.

I think that I have pretty much convinced myself that I am running Boston again next year. Of course, its November that it all starts, and not really next year... just six months away. I just have to lose some weight. It's got to start moving in the downward direction. I honestly don't think that my body could take that training again with all this extra poundage. Will it motivate me? Can anything motivate me? What is it that CLICKs when people, who have been overweight for most of their lives start losing? It isn't a major life event for many of them, and it usually isn't anything they are doing differently (other than actually following whatever program they've signed onto). The woman in my WW group who just reached her goal, had joined an uncountable number of times in the past. What got her to goal? -- "I just decided to do it this time." (But all the other times you decided you were going to fail??? Come on!)

I keep telling myself that if I keep doing what I am doing for long enough, eventually it will CLICK. I keep telling myself that it's about making healthy eating/portion control/exercise a habbit. It has been a long time... I've taken very few breaks... It's not CLICKING.... yet. Fortunately, I am not done trying....

A Pleasant Surprise

I got up yesterday and followed the plan. I ate my breakfast, my pre-workout banana, and drank my water. I ate some lunch and went to my WW meeting. I had given myself a pep talk in the car about owning the number, the ups and downs of the journey, the idea that I was showing up regardless of the scale.... I stayed the same.

Part of me feels like I dodged a bullet. No matter what I tell myself, that scale can hurt -- the truth hurts. What I did differently this time was to be rational in my approach: a) assume that my behaviour would not be yielding me any weight loss; and b) not try anything stupid - like starving/dehydrating myself two days before weigh in to try and hide what I did.... It all catches up. It's not healthy and it's living a lie... This morning I feel in control.

I have a 9:30 Spin class with the Spin Nazi. Part of me is dreading it, because I am still sore from Tuesday's class. Plus, my knee is still not right and our insurance - although effective 5/1 is still not straightened out... My assumption is that I can do no more harm to it, the aching is no worse than it has been - it's just not getting any better.

Of course, it is raining AGAIN, so I'll be dreaming up something to keep my kids from driving me crazy.... My craftiness is completely lacking.....

Feeling Fat...

I got on my scale and saw a SCAREY number - one that I vowed NEVER to see again... I hope that it is the kick in the butt that I need. I wrote down all of my food yesterday and stuck to plan. I went for a Spin Nazi session and walked the dog... This morning I am going to run a few miles and do weights. I don't want to see that number again...

Funny thing is that I went shopping before girls weekend and felt FAT... I kept thinking as I was trying on size 14/16 shirts at Ann Taylor that they were cut small... No, it's actually that I had grown over the last month... I really let it get away from me and I was really surprised!? or delusional??... I have a 5K scheduled this weekend, though my sister is trying to bale on me... I may just ride my bike with my neighbor and call it a workout!

I'm Back!

Refreshed, renewed... and probably a few pounds heavier. It wasn't so much the eating as it was the drinking... It has been a while since I have had more than just a glass of wine!

My Girl's Weekend was a HUGE success! I LOVE my friends - even if I only get to see them once a year! We spent the majority of time hanging around the pool, reading magazines, drinking wine and laughing a lot. I felt like my old self - no stress - no worries... I did walk a little - a couple of miles around the development and a little jaunt down the beach... No major sweating though... SO I am glad I got into Spin this morning.

I have WW in two days and would like to limit my calories today and tomorrow so I at least stay the same. I am hoping not to show a gain.... I know what I need to do - I just hope that something clicks for me to start losing again in earnest! I don't know why I just made this ALL ABOUT THE SCALE.... No, I don't want to see a gain, but in my heart I know I did nothing to make the scale show anything but a gain???? I want to lose some water weight in the next few days to trick myself into thinking that the behaviours I exhibited over the last week didn't do anything to derail my weight loss... NOT TRUE.... How about I just commit to the program and jump back on... whatever the weight. I know that I will lose if I limit my calories and exercise. These lies I tell myself never help. They just perpetuate the cycle that keeps me fat...

Going Away...

Everytime I go away - with or without my family - I get really keyed up. I am anxious... VERY...

I have to pack, I can't forget anything, Are the kids OK? DH OK? Have I left anything undone? I can't be late to the airport... Do I have my tickets? Driver's license? Where's my wallet???? Who's watching the pets? Does the house smell like cats? What if I am late coming back? Who's meeting me at the airport?

MAN Do I need to spin today or what?

Have a Plan

Even if you don't follow it, you should always have a plan. It keeps you grounded, focused and able to live without wondering what to do next. Yesterday I had a plan --- mostly house related chores --- and man it felt good when I actually followed it, and got things done... It makes me want to do it again, and again....

This week will be a little crazy. I have a trip coming up Thursday and I need to have everyone including myself taken care of. Of course, I also need to exercise so that I don't breakdown in the process. Today I am finishing an outside chore that involves moving several hundred pounds of rocks. Whether that is my official exercise for the day remains to be seen. Tomorrow I am spinning, and Wednesday I will do intervals. Thursday - Monday I will be GONE and honestly I don't plan on anything but spontinaity... I will bring my running shoes just in case the urge strikes. I will weigh in Thursday morning before I get on the plane. I want the motivation for weight loss to continue, and even though I'll be with good friends, good food and good wine, I will do my best to be mindful of my choices. I don't want to have to start over when I come home.

I love spring!

I finished 20.6 beautiful miles. The temps in the low 60s, sun out, no cars and the lilacs! I LOVE LILACS... We only averaged 11.8 miles per hour, but the course is a hilly one, and it was my first time out for the season! We also chatted alot which was fine with me. I was back at the house by 7:30 a.m. The dog woke me up at 4:30 so I feel like I've been up forever...

I don't really have a plan today, but I would like to get out the spring/summer clothes and start packing for my trip next week. My highschool girl friends and I are off to Vero beach, FL for our annual weekend away. This year is a special trip for our 40th so we going from Thursday to Monday... It will make things a little dicey here with the dog and the girls, but Mom's picking up the slack since DH has a new job and no time off... I REALLY need a break from everything. No kids, no cleaning and no running/training unless I want to...

Wrap up

Sunday - 10 K
Monday - off
Tuesday - elliptical 30 minutes /100 crunches
Wednesday - 3 miles intervals/ Swam 1/2 mile
Thursday - 45 min elliptical /crunches
Friday - yard work
Saturday - 20 mile bike ride (planned)

Weight Watchers - -4lbs

I only have 4 more to lose until I get back to where I was when I left ww in February. I am happy with the loss this week. I talked to my sister and mother last night about doing the weight watchers thing together. A few years back we all checked in with each other once a week and it really made a difference. My sister really needs a kick in the butt. She's definately put on more weight since the birth of her son and I know that she's feeling overwhelmed with work, baby and taking care of herself. She has to make herself a priority.

I know that I need to step up my exercise and be a little more diligent about the numbers as far as training. I was really lazy about calling for spin class this week and didn't end up getting into any classes. I substituted with the elliptical, but I know there is no substitute for a good spin. My rib area is still very painful - and my knee woke me up more than once last night. I think after 6 weeks it's time to see a doctor - and not just pass it by my friend the doctor. Besides, now I have insurance!

Life is never according to plan...

I didn't get into spin yesterday, so I did the elliptical instead. Not exactly the tough workout I had hoped for, but at least I got in something. Today I plan to swim and run, though if I can spin, I will. Life is rarely according to plan. I am still doing the WW thing, though I have had a few days of eating WAY over my points... I weigh in tomorrow and I am hoping to at least see a few pounds gone. I know it's not going to be overnight, but if I actually could stick to the plan I know I can lose the weight.

My daughter said something to me last night that made me realize she's never known me any other way than overweight. It's not how I see myself, but it is how she sees me. I moved here 5 years ago and realize that none of the friends I've met here know me any other way than fat. Again, it's just not how I see myself. One day I'll get to that point where the outside matches the inside.

Monday Monday.... Ba da ba da da da...

I don't know why I have that Mommas and the Papas song in my head, but its there - It's monday. I feel pretty energetic - aside from that pain in my rib about 90%! Here's my weekly workout schedule: (drum roll)

• Today - swimming 1250 scheduled... There is a question as to whether or not this will happen. I started some yard work on Saturday and literally left everything in mid cleanup, including the electric leaf blower still plugged in... I HAVE to finish this task since it will be raining nearly all week and noone likes to pick up wet leaves...
• Tuesday - SPIN - so far no call from the Y so I think I actually got into the class.... Spin Nazi - the best instructor EVER - I will work, I will sweat!!
• Wednesday - Run - I may turn this day into a run/swim to cover the missed swim today. Intervals on tap - 45 minutes
• Thursday - Spin
• Friday - off
• Saturday - Early morning bike ride with the ladies... My first of the season! The bike is out of the basement. I'll pump up the tires and be ready to go!
• Sunday - ????? We'll see.

This schedule should help me focus better. I'll start getting more into distance/heartrate/intensity in a few more weeks... I need to just get used to doing it on a regular basis.

The diet is going well. I fell asleep last night before I had the chance to snack. I guess the 10K took more out of me than I imagined. My kids are crabby and still in their jammies so I need to get moving. Yard works awaits, but the procrastination level is HIGH :(

P.S. This is my DAISY doodle and her good friend FLASH... What a joy!