Falling when you're 40 is NO FUN!

First I have to ask - WHY are there 10 year olds at the skating rink on a Monday morning? Why aren't you in school? As far as I know 10-30 is not a holiday.

So there I am, skating around the rink with my 4 year old when --- WHAM -- I am nailed from behind by said 10 year old, out of control, hockey skater, who was playing tag with his other 2 delinquent friends. The kid hit me at the back of my knees causing me to fall hard, directly on my tailbone. WTF?!! Pissed I tell you, and hurt. The parents that just let their kids go, unsupervised --- the rink that has no skate monitor during the week because it's usually a couple of skating moms and retired folk. I tried to put a brave face on for my horrified daughter... she knew I was hurt, and frankly I am glad it was me and not her. He could have killed her!!! Skating days are not over... I took my Aleve a few hours ago. I put ice on my backside. I still feel it - a lot, so I can't imagine what tomorrow will feel like. Oh well.

At WW last week I was up .2 -- after being down .2 the week before. I figure that eventually I will get my stuff together, and as always, I hope it will be this week. I find it SO hard not to eat at my house. I am not bored - I just want to eat! At least I write it down. It's a good habit to maintain. I want to get it together. I know I need to work harder.

And now I am off to swim with my little one. As far as I know - swimming is not a contact sport.
--- Maybe it will help my poor aching backside!!

Happy Monday!

It's coming...

A cold is on its way. Zicam, vitamin C.... I am trying it all, but fear that I am losing the battle. My head is aching, my eyes, and I am foggy. Darn. I hate to be sick.

At least I am not hungry. I am not over eating (much). I have a WW meeting tomorrow and hope to see better than the -.2 I saw last week. It's so hard, but I am SO worth it. I know I haven't dedicated myself to this effort and I am probably throwing my money away at WW, but I know that if I didnt' go, I would weigh more. At least I have picked up something in the upteen times I have quit and rejoined the program. It's not a quick fix. I won't be at goal tomorrow, or next week, but slowly slowly I will begin to realize what I need to do in order to get to and maintain a healthy weight. I am too fat. I don't aspire to anything more than a healthy range. Of course the benefits of not being the fat girl running are fun to imagine; and hopefully, I will get to live them one day soon.

I keep putting off "the PLAN". I keep delaying the re-start of my BFL efforts. I can't seem to fit it all into a schedule that works for me and my family. Kids skating, girl scouts, babysitting my neighbor's kid and doing all my mommy chores are a lot to deal with. I need to get with it though and start dealing with it. I need to set a goal and stick with the program. I don't want to lose the strength or cardio stamina that I have built up. I don't want to be soft. The marathon was a GREAT training program. I was dedicated, focused. Once the race was over, however, I lost something. I wanted a break. I didn't think it would turn into quitting.... I'll start with small steps - but they have to be planned. I hate going to the gym without a list of exercises; weights or a spin bike. I guess this is step one.

It doesn't matter how long it takes...

I am NOT giving up on this weight loss thing. I want to be a healthy example for my kids. I don't want to obsess, but I know that I have a problem with food. I think about it all of the time. If I am not eating, I am thinking about what I am going to eat - or a times, what I have already finished and how guilty I should be for it. I don't want my kids to grow up with the same issues I have faced with food. The good thing is that neither of my kids has a weight problem yet. I was overweight at 6 and it just got worse from there. I was the only kid in my family with a weight problem. Although my sisters now struggle, neither of them have ever experienced being teased, talked about, or chosen last because of FAT. I know I need to get over it. I know I need to learn to love my body and the person I am - not an image that I think I need to have to be worthy in this society.

And for all this, I haven't been really trying to lose weight. I go through the motions. I go to WW, log my food, but I continue to eat more than what the plan allows. I eat when I am not hungry, I don't plan. I don't know why. Am I lazy? Is there some sort of reason my body needs to stay fat? I am serious. Why can't I just shut my mouth? Why can't I just NOT EAT? Why does this issue suck so much of my time? I keep thinking about how much I would have personnally if it wasn't for my connection with food. More money from not eating so much, more money from not having to go to WW or buy diet books and magazines. More time - MORE free thought devoted to anything but food or fat. More focus on improving my run time, not shrinking my waistline. I don't want to be 100 and wonder what happened while I was busy trying not to be fat. UGH!

Rant over. Struggle continues. Minus .2 at WW for the grand total of 5.2 lbs since returning to ww this summer. WOW... I am not giving up. I don't care how long it takes - I just hope it's not the rest of my life.

I went Skating...

For the first time in about 20 years (eeks! ). My kids started lessons this fall and LOVE it. SO, I bought the 50$ skates and my 4 year old and I went to the rink yesterday for public skate. I have to say that I was NERVOUS. "What ifs" hit..... What if I fall and hurt myself? What if I don't remember how to skate?... The end result was that - I was scared to death for the first lap (knees were shaking). I felt pretty comfortable by the end, but cautious --- I just couldn't bear to fall. My feet hurt from new skates, and my knee was killing me last night - BUT- I did it and I am proud of myself for getting out there. My daughter did great as well and asked if we could do it every day. I don't think I'm ready for that, but I do think that a once a week deal is a great way to spend the morning with my little one.

A Spin...

I felt great this morning at Spin. It's been a while since I have and hope that I am on the road to somewhere great this time. I am writing down everything I put in my mouth and have decided to just push myself into a good weight loss. I showed up at WW ready to see.... .6 down. You know what? I'll take it. It's all good.

I have been witnessing a lot of illness lately- our principal's wife was just diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. They have 2 boys; 5 and 8 months. A friend's son in law died in his sleep of a massive heart attack at 37. They have 3 kids under 8. I don't get to see my DH too often these days; but I know he's there if we truly needed him and the only reason he's gone is to keep us in our house... I can't imagine him gone. I really love my family and need to appreciate more what I have and what life has given me. Carrying a few extra (maybe more than a few extra) pounds should not be as big a factor in my happiness.... I am working on it.

The Gym...

Went to the gym. Lifted weights as planned. Ran 20 minutes because I was running late and still wanted my sauna and shower. I feel like I took my first step to starting a new. Running with the dog in the a.m. -- There's no getting out of that one. Daisy is my never fail alarm clock!

I actually stayed within my points... and as a bonus - I am not even hungry. Hopefully, I will see SOMETHING happen at WW this week. I really need some kind of loss. OK SO Friday I had 65 points; and Saturday I had 2 cosmos and a big tuna steak. Does it count for anything if I am good at least 75% of the time? A girl's got to live...

A last summertime Rah Rah!

My kids were off from school, the temps hit the 80's and for one final day we pretended it was summer. I picked up the house from a weekend of chaos and the kids played together all morning (yes, actually played without resorting to screams or tears or flying fists). The dog was part of their make believe world and a pretty good sport about wearing the tiara.

Around noon we packed a lunch, put the bikes in the van and headed to our favorite park. It's located near the Boston Marathon start and has a pretend marathon course around the perimeter so the kids can ride their bikes as much as they want without having to worry about cars or other obstacles. I could probably take the training wheels off my 4 year old's bike. I love how they barely touch the ground now. Hopefully by spring she will be mentally ready....

Tomorrow it's back to business. School for both kids and the YMCA for me. PT is done so I've planned a lovely 45 minute BFL weights workout, followed by a 30 min jog. The reward for a job well done will be a sauna and a long shower. That should cover the 2.5 hours that my little one is at preschool.

On another note, both kids are really into ice skating this fall. I signed them up on a whim, and not only are they good - they LOVE IT! I found a rink nearby with public hours (the one they take lessons at is for the sole use of the hockey and figure skating clubs) and I bought myself a pair of skates so that we can go together and get some extra practice time. I haven't skated in years, so I am hoping it's like bike riding... That said, I am finding that there are a lot of things I used to be able to do, that my brain still thinks I can do.... and I CAN'T... The list includes monkey bars and front walkovers --- OUCH!! In any case, I am going skating this very friday with my little one. Let's hope that I don't get hurt!

Never a schedule... I need a SCHEDULE

I feel like I haven't had a "schedule" since school started. I feel like I am just spinning my way through the days --- and not on a bike mind you. I have been turning the computer on 3x week - maybe... and I was shocked to see the last time I posted was September.... Where has my time gone? Both kids were born the first week of October - so B-day parties, celebrations galore. I sat for my niece all weekend and attended swim lessons and skating lessons for both kids. I volunteered for my eldest's Brownie fall product sale and chaperoned a trip to the apple orchard. I finished PT this week, after going 2x week for the last month+. I walked the dog, and continued life as "Employment Widow" as my DH is still going 24/7 (and still complaining all the while... I guess now he's entitled). TODAY - Columbus Day Eve - I feel like I have finished all of the BIG fall committments. We've still got the holiday rush coming, but no more chaos. I won't let the holidays degrade themselves to that.

SO - HOPEFULLY - I'll start getting to the gym on a more regular basis. I plan to pick up BFL where I left off a few weeks back. I plan to SPIN 2x week. My WW quest continues to be less than what I want it to be... I am still where I was a month ago. .6 down, stay the same, .6 down, .8 up... HMPH!

I will NOT quit. I am on a PLATEAU.... A YEAR LONG PLATEAU... I have my annual in 3 weeks and I will not get on that doctor's scale if I am not in the 180s... I need some DUCK TAPE to wrap around my overactive mouth. I am SICK of being FAT! I will stick to my schedule.... I need my schedule!!!