Love that Danskin

The sisters and I did Danskin #4 yesterday. I knew that I hadn't "trained" this year. I maintained my fitness, but I did not train. My times were the 2nd worse... a full 9 minutes over last year... That was a bit of a disappointment, but then I thought about it and decided that I need to accept it. It's a lesson in expecting something for nothing.... it's just not going to happen.
That said, I enjoyed myself. I had a great swim, the final 8 miles of the bike were delightful. The run frankly sucked, but I was being LAZY... I mean I am not the slightest bit sore this morning (other than the regular knee pain). That to me is indicative a slack performance! So another Danskin done, and once again I look forward to next year. Will it finally be the year I break 1:30?? It could be, if I don't weigh 190 lbs.

I was EXTREMELY concious of how I ate yesterday. Typically after a race or a hard training session, I get a case of 'entitlement to eat whatever I want', and hence a big reason why I continue to carry so much weight even while I exercise diligently. SO - rather than scoffing down 3 pieces of pizza for lunch - I had 2. I made a nice salad for dinner and snacked on a few pieces of licorice when I needed something sweet. When I thought I needed something else - I went to bed. This Thursday I have WW and I will see a BRAND new number!!! I SO need this and I am making things different this time. I am not using Spark anymore for food journaling, mostly because I had been finding it a little tedious. Instead, I'm keeping a list on the kitchen counter and I write things down immediately. So far so good. I will find out whether or not knee surgery is in my future. I am hoping PT will take care of the pain. In any case, less weight will make the world of difference.

Regardless, I consider my diet a pre-training for the marathon. I will continue to focus on that as my goal. Life goes on.

Could this be my breakthough week?

WW today and FINALLY - I am down all the weight I gained on vacation plus an additional .2. I'll take it. And I will continue to do what I do. I chatted with my spin instructor after class today. She just made her lifetime membership at WW losing 31 lbs. She looks awesome... all while I have been spinning my wheels. I told her my plans to lose lose lose until November and then train again for Boston. She's really encouraging and I know that by my putting the word out, I'll be more motivated to work a little harder. AND THEN when I am lighter, I WILL be faster. (Right Nancy?) I will run a sub 6 marathon come April 07. Oh, how I LOVE LOVE a motivational moment. Oh how I hate how the scale dictates this mood. But then, I've been working hard this week... I deserve a little "good for me" moment..

Good for you....

I ran into some friends at the lake yesterday. Sara, my regular riding buddy, introduced me to 2 friends who had just purchased road bikes. They were planning a Sunday ride and Sara chimed in that I was doing Danskin Sunday and wouldn't be joining them this week.

"You're doing Danskin? Good for you!"

To me this type of response with the tone and intonation always translates to: WOW you're really big - That will be quite a feat for a someone of your size....

I hate it. It hurts me and I am not sure why this gets to me the way it does. This type of comment or look is why I want to lose weight. I just want to fit in. I don't want to be judged; I don't want to be pitied; I don't need a special "fat girl cheering squad" or a stranger's words of encouragement. I just want to be able to sign up for a class or do a race. I want to be accepted. I don't want to stand out.

I have been overweight for most of my life. I have tried most of my life to lose weight. I never ever wanted to be one of those people who had to WAIT until they lost weight before doing anything physically challenging. But I guess now I have a better understanding of why they do.

Keepin' on

First of all I biked hard this morning, ran intervals for 3 miles and swam my half mile plus. It was with my sisters and we were all business today. It was our last big workout before Danskin next week. I am confident that I will finish and it will hopefully be around the same time I was last year. Since I have essentially been maintaining fitness vs. actually training; I am happy if this is what results.

WW was just disappointing. I know KNOW it's PMS. I have been 100% on track this past week and I was up 1.2. I was shocked and disappointed and annoyed with the staff that trys to chock it up to too much exercise or the dreaded "maybe you're not eating enough". Trust me I am eating to the max allowed and maybe that's my problem. I do think that with my level of exercise, I should be able to eat 1600 calories a day. Any less and I feel sluggish or worse - hungry. As I've said before, I'll just keep keepin' on since the alternative is simply unthinkable.

Last night I had an MRI on my knee. My ortho is on vacation next week, so it will be 2 before I find out what the damage is... My hope is that physical therapy will do it... The idea of surgery/recovery is ..... Let's just not think about it yet...

SORE and feeling good.

I made sure to go to muscle conditioning class last night. It is kind of like body pump without the equipment... Just a few hand weights and the step. My body is aching all over, but it's definately a good feeling. It makes me feel like I did something.

Couple that with a missed dinner - yes, missed - and I am feeling like I may want to get on the scale this morning. I'm not expecting miracles, but I would at least like to see the weight I gained last week be gone. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and dying to know how good it can be to buy clothing because you like it, not just because it fits.

I know I am pms-ing this week - hence the whining; but I also know that I CAN be better than I have been. I may take a break now and then, but I will never give up!

Working it through...

I actually went swimming in the lake yesterday, and aside from one pesky fish the experience wasn't that bad. I didn't do any laps per se, just swimming with the kids, but it's a big step for one that can PANIC with the first sight of weeds. Now if I can just put my goggles on and swim while the kids are in lessons - I just might become aclimatized by race day.

I forgot my bike shoes and had to spin in sneakers. Can I just say my feet are killing me!? I noticed this morning while walking the dog. I don't know how I could have ever spun or biked with out shoes???!

WW tomorrow. A preview has revealled O weight loss for the week after a gain last week. :(). I am trying to eat well. I am trying to eat appropriate portions. I am trying to figure out why I need to eat at all some days. I've been thinking about hypnosis. Has anyone ever tried it? My mom used it to quit smoking 20 years ago and it worked for her... I am game for anything at this point. Frustration is where I am at right now. I realize this whole weight loss thing is a journey. It's not going to come off overnight and once it's off I have to spend the rest of my life making sure that it doesn't creep back.

I have been entertaining the idea of a weight loss challenge of sorts - I am seriously BUMMED about not finishing the Boston Marathon before the six hour deadline. I haven't written about it here, but I think about it constantly. The main reason, which may not be a great reason is that people I know casually have never said a word to me about it. I KNOW that they checked the BAA website. I know that my name is not there. I know they assume that I was a) lying about running; or b) started, but couldn't finish. I KNOW it shouldn't matter, but IT MATTERS. So - What I am thinking is this - I LOSE 25 lbs and I get to have another shot. That means I have until November. Of course I could just train at whatever weight I am, but I really don't think I have it in me. The extra weight on my not so perfect knee is a recipe for a more severe injury. And the idea of committing the time only to FAIL again is just not an option I want to consider.

SO I need to get to work - SERIOUS work. Stop doing what I am doing and make some real changes. HOW ? WW meals for a week supplement with nonfat salads and fruit. Perhaps limiting my choices and monitoring my portions will set me up for renewed success.

Feeling Low, But Hanging in...

I am baffled at my lack of weight loss this week. I feel really defeated today and keep thinking about just letting go. It seems like no matter how hard I try and for how long; all it takes is one bad week to set me back for months. I went on vacation, had a good time and here I am 5 lbs up? STILL? I have been exercising spinning, swimming, running and still I am the same. I am at the top of my calories, but does my exercise count for anything???? I feel like I am going to have to starve myself if I ever want to see tangible results. I have been in this weight range +/- 5 lbs for the last 10+ years. I am tired and I am sick of it.

Rant over. Life continues.

Weigh in / Reality Check

I went to WW's and ..... gained 2.2 lbs. I don't know why I though if I would eat well for the last 4 days that it would erase the damage I had done two weeks prior... Yes, there was indeed a flaw in my logic and I got the dose of reality i needed. I weigh 6 lbs more than I did last summer at this time. hmph! I didn't want to be here, but I haven't done anything meaningful to get me anywhere else but here.

That said, I have logged my food for 4 days straight and I have exercised with intent all four. I am seriously watching my calories and making good choices. I can only hope that this is the start of something good. We'll see next week! We'll also see if I can hold it together this weekend. I've got nothing planned, but find it hard to keep within my calories with my DH home. He's not a good helper when it comes to food.

I need another plan...

I am 3 days back into my vacation recovery. I swam Monday, had a killer spin class yesterday and will run and swim today. Has anyone ever felt nauseaus while swimming?? I don't know what it was, but I needed to leave the pool after 20 minutes because I thought I might get sick?! I am back in there today, but with some trepidation. I am going to nix the turns and just tap the wall. It will take me longer, but I can't bare another episode.

My motivation for running is lackluster at best. I am getting in my workouts out of fear --- not because I am trying to better myself. The 31st is coming up fast.

As for WW, tomorrow is weigh in --- aka face the music ---- day. I feel better knowing that I have been eating on program for the last 3 days. I have a concert/night out tonight, but the opportunity to eat good things - like fish - is HIGH since we'll be at the pier.

I just have to work on my MOJO - I need another plan...

Vacation OVER

I just got back from 10 days of vacation. I LOVE Chincoteague! I LOVE beach. I had fun with my kids, rode bikes, walked through town, enjoyed some beautiful sunsets with my family. I also ate and drank whatever I wanted! My new favorite drink - a MOJITO and my sister makes a mean one.

So now it's back to reality. I have to face the music at WW this Thursday. I have not trained for 2 weeks and I have Danskin at the end of the month. I am in a slight panic mode - ANXIOUS and a little mad at myself. My house is in shambles after a week of being a bachelor pad for my DH and my kids are WAY OFF kilter. I am looking forward to 3 hours of morning time while they are at Playground camp to get the house together and will get to the Y to swim or run after lunch. Tomorrow SPIN and RUN?

CRAP - VACATION OVER !