Having a "moment"

This morning after the kids got on the bus, my sister called. As soon as I heard her voice I started to cry. She is my very best friend and she really knows when I need her... My daughter has had a few bad weeks. It caught me off guard, she had been doing very well; and I didn't realize how much it affected me. My anxiety levels are high and I could tell that the last few days the tears were lingering just below the surface. My DH is NOT equipped to handle any sort of emergency, especially this one. He has not been a source of support. He is oblivious, but I can not manage that right now, so it's on the shelf and I've been dealing with everything on my own. It is cathartic to cry and I do feel better - stronger even.

I will not eat. I will go to work. I will make it through another day. Eventually things will get better. I have a great family, and even my husband - for as mad as I am at him for emotionally abandoning our family - he is not a bad person, just incapable and we eventually will get to our relationship. For now, one day at a time.

Weigh in 186.0

Surprised. That is honestly what I felt as the number locked in on the scale. 186.0. Why do I feel like I've dodged a bullet?

I've been eating what I want; grazing all day long it seems. BUT I've made one *lasting* change since June - I no longer eat at night. I go upstairs at 8:00 p.m. and read when the kids go to bed. And, even though I feel like I am eating my *usual* too much again during the day, I am not back to my *usual* night time snacks. Like clockwork - I would come downstairs when the kids went to bed and get something to eat - whether I was hungry or not. It would be a bowl of cereal, left-overs, icecream, or a handfull of cookies and milk. I would watch TV, eat my snack and fall asleep. I would wake up later - mad that I didn't just go to bed.

OK, so it's been months of not eating at night and I feel pretty confident that this change will stick. Now I need to tackle the rest of the day. I have to again make a habit of journaling regularly. Right now I do it about 3 days (honestly) a week. I need to get a workout schedule together, not just random exercise (or stretches of no exercise).

I will work on one area per week. Starting today I will work on diet; good choices, journaling, meal planning. With a little perserverance, repetition and commitment I can start losing again. As it is, I am down 25 pounds this year. I would like to make it 30+ by Halloween. My short term goal will be 180; and now that I've finally made it to the scale, I will post my progress every TUESDAY morning.

So Why Can't I Get On the Scale?

I've asked myself that question for the last 3 weeks, but this week I decided to come up with some answers. I need to break out of this *slump*.

Why I don't get on the scale:
* Ostrich Syndrome: If I don't see the number, it doesn't exist. (also probably the reason I won't look at the 401K statement).
* I won't have to change what I am doing, because I assume I weigh what I did the last time I stepped on the scale.
* I won't get mad at myself for screwing up and gaining weight. I really don't like when anyone is mad at me - least of all ME.
* I feel like I don't need anymore problems right now. Gaining weight is a problem and I have enough on my plate.

Why I NEED to get on the scale:
* I need to face my problems. I know in my heart what is real and I can feel it when I button my pants.
* Change is NEVER easy - even good change and getting/staying healthy is good change.
* Mad should not be the emotion I feel for stepping on the scale and I need to alter my thinking: get serious - put a plan together to change and follow through.
* Problems are a part of life. Challenges are what makes up grow (emotionally speaking). If I don't take care of ME first, I will not be able to take care of anyone else.

SO, that said... I still need to get on the scale, and since I've already had my breakfast and 3 cups of coffee, I'll wait until tomorrow morning... Believe me, I WILL POST MY WEIGHT TOMORROW and you can take that to the bank!

Scattered...

I had such good plans for my kid-free hours this week and I have only managed to cross a few things off my ever growing list of "TO DOs". Exercise is nil, food-wise I am not horrible, but there is always room for improvement. I ate a box of TraderJoes belgium style biscotti in 2 days for no good reason. My house is STILL a mess. I need a major shot of motivation for every aspect of my life. What I would really want is for the world to stand still for about 2 days so I could mentally regroup. Too bad I don't have a working magic wand.

Tomorrow I have to get the kids up and out by 8:15, run the dog to the groomers for 8:45 and be on the lifeguard stand by 9:00 a.m. I teach 2 classes at 10:15 and then rush home to get the little one off the bus at 11:45. There's lunch and gymnastics and picking up the dog before daughter number 2 comes home. There's homework, doctor appointment, dinner, baths, stories and bed. Friday is the same, minus the dog, replace gymnastics with skating and add a birthday party. The weekend is shaping up to be much too long; my kids and my husband have been seriously high maintenance lately and I would really like someone to take care of me for a change. I guess I'll just keep wishing for that magic wand.

Why I LOVE Mondays

My kids got on the bus this morning. I am taking an exercise rest day and trying to tackle the long-neglected, soon to be overwhelming issues at the house --- mainly laundry, cleaning out drawers, pulling out the too small stuff, summer stuff, stained and no good stuff and rearranging so my kids can finally get themselves ready in the morning without me and without tears. Our house is over 100 years old; relatively small and we have NO closet space. That means seasonal switches are challenging. Bins of winter clothes, new school clothes and summer stuff all mixed up and waiting for a little time and patience to get organized. YUCK.

This weekend was busy and I am tired. I got roped into volunteering at another triathlon. I assumed I would be in a kayak, but instead spent 45 minutes on a surf board. Luckily I had my wetsuit and the water wasn't bad. I liked the people that were guarding with me so it was fun in the end. I cleaned up and met my sister for lunch, came home and supervised a sleepover for my daughter. Sunday we spent the morning at church, went to the Children's Museum in the afternoon and made it home in time for tacos and the football game. My kids were grumpy, tired and I'll admit it, so was I.

My DH broke his key off in the ignition of our beater car. He has a motorcycle, but if it rains he will take my van and leave me car-less. He will not be inconvenienced by this; and yet he is annoyed with my offers to call AAA to tow the car to the garage and be fixed. He'll take care of it. Of course this happened Thursday and it's now Monday and the car is still sitting; nothing has been done. I am beyond mad, but I need to let it go.

I did get the job at the library. I can't wait to start. It looks like it will be a VERY easy job, decent pay and 4 hours to myself every Sunday afternoon. It just might get me through the winter with out losing my mind!!

I will ride my bike Wednesday. I'll eventually walk the dog today and I will get on the scale tomorrow for a full accounting. It's been 2 weeks and I am scared to see a gain. I have slacked - I don't know why, but I need to get back at it NOW. I like being smaller; I don't want to gain any more. I want to get back in a losing groove --- I have no other choice!

Why does it have to be one or the other?!

I have had great week workout-wise; I did my crazy triathlon thing Sunday and two long bike rides - 2o miles both Tuesday and Wednesday. This morning I guarded and taught, but had a decent swim with my upper level kids. SO - why have I been eating so crappy? Why can't I get to the point where I can workout hard and eat a diet that will keep me satisfied AND losing weight? I am going to have to pull out my nutrition books to see where I am going wrong.

In other news, my library interview went great - I'll find out if the job is mine in a week or so...

Working mom

The kids are almost out the door and then I am off for a 20 miler with my mom friends. After that I have to shower and primp for a job interview at the library. Sunday afternoons from October to May; I will look at it as "time off" for me, rather than work. We need the money, even the pittance it will bring. Let's hope I get it; I hear there is some pretty stiff competition.

My own strange triathlon

I got up at 4:30 a.m. this morning. Tropical storm Hannah blew through over night and the rain had stopped by the time I biked out of here at 5:15 a.m. What was I thinking? "Don't pick me up, I'll bike over to the race since I won't be able to officially participate. I need a workout too!" That is what I told my sister. I did not even realize how dark it would be and how stupid (unsafe?) it was to bike 13 miles, alone, along some pretty desolate country roads. Along the way I congered up all sorts of bad endings, but luckily I made it unscathed. I checked in as a Lifeguard/kayaker/volunteer and helped out body marking. There were 700 women racing (SOLD OUT) and lots of newbies. It was fun to share their excitement.

I grabbed a quick coffee and headed down to the beach to chat with my sister and get my zone for the the kayak. The water was cool, choppy and the wind was stiff. I wanted to get aclimated to my kayak and in hindsight we went out way too early. I had to paddle all the time to maintain my position, and it was quite a workout trying to throw rescue tubes, paddle and not run into other swimmers. I personally helped 4 women rest; though they went on to finish. I think only 2 people had to be pulled out; which isn't bad considering the conditions and the number of new triathletes. I think I got out of water by 9:20 a.m.

I walked up to the transition area and traded my Crocs for running shoes. By the time I finished I saw my sister approaching the dismount area and I jetted across the street to meet her for the run. The first mile was up hill and I started walking and let my sister catch up. I ran with her for the rest of the way and was actually able to keep her running through a few cramps. She finished in 137.21 and I completed my own "BIKE, KAYAK, RUN" triathlon. My tendonitis is KILLING me from the 45 minutes of paddling. I ate a decent diet today - though I didn't journal - I'll pick it up again tomorrow.

Day 3 - Almost there...

I went back to the YMCA for the first time since my daughter got sick. My plan was to workout before teaching, but the motivation was definately lacking. I made it for 2.5 miles on the elliptical and then went to the pool. I guarded for an hour and taught a preschool class. I made it home for my little one's bus (phew!). It was not exactly as planned, but it's a start to a regular workout schedule. I exercised!

I am on day 3 of journalling my food, and I've decided that I should just plan to log my food for the rest of my life. It definately helps me stay on track and it's not until I start anew that I realize how important it is for me. I know it will take a few weeks before I really feel back in the groove, but I am happy to be making some positive changes and thinking more about me.

Weigh - In....

My official start weight is 187.0 - That means I've gained 6.5 lbs in the last month, but I am still in the 180's and for that I am GRATEFUL. My goal will be to see anything in the 170's by the end of the month. I don't know my "official" weight the day this was taken, but it was just last week so it's probably pretty close to what I am now. The picture on the right is from Christmas when my weight was around 205 or so. Yes, I do see a difference. Now the work begins anew.

I am volunteering at the triathlon Sunday. My plan is to bike to the site and meet my sister there. I've offered to run with her as well --- we'll see. I am journaling my food; feeling in control.

Day 1...

I know it's September 2nd, but it's the kids' first real week of school and my first real week of freedom. Today is day ONE. I just got back from the salon - I have a new haircut and no more grays; I am feeling good. I am journaling my food again and planning meals. I am not going to eat any of the two half gallons of ice cream that my husband bought "for the kids". I will get on the scale tomorrow morning (yes, whimp), and I will post my weight and I may even get the courage to post some pictures. I will have a loss this month!!!!

I honestly went to the triathlon site this morning to sign up , only to find that the event sold out. I called to volunteer and will offer to run with my sister. I may even bike to the site to make sure to get my exercise in. My daughter's condition has stabilized somewhat and I am more able now to focus on myself once again. I need to get back on the wagon. I am signed up for a 10K the first week of October. That will be my focus for the month.

I hope it's PMS...

We went to the local fair yesterday and I just had ATE - fried dough, french fries, cotton candy... I don't even like cotton candy! We went back to my sister's house for dinner (like I needed dinner). I ate corn on the cob, salad, 2 mojitos and chips, lots of chips. YUCK! I felt like CRAP all the way home; so mad at myself for filling the hole with FAT. People were noticing the weight loss and instead of capitalizing on it, I just ate it right back. I really am mad at myself for allowing it to happen. I think I allowed myself to eat b/c the kids and husband were off work and our schedules were not normal. What is normal? Why do I give myself license to eat? Is there another reason besides instant gratification? And what about the stuff I don't even like? What about that?

Today is Labor Day. The family is home. I have my share from the farm in the fridge. I am making fajitas for dinner. I am NOT eating garbage. I did exercise this weekend and I promise to do something physical today... run? walk? bike? Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut and colored. It always makes me feel better to be "put together". Hopefully that will help.