No News is Good News....

I haven't heard a word since last Friday's baseline appointment. Am I in this weight loss study or not? It seems a little cruel to mess with depressed people.

I still hold out hope that I am in.

I need some structure. I need to not eat out. Yesterday I was at an all day dr. appointment with my daughter. We ate out for breakfast (McDs) and lunch (some giant burrito place), but I did wring out a decent dinner when we got home. What I decided as I munched a doughy, not so great burrito wrap was that I am sick of eating crap. I am sick of fried stuff. I am just sick.

I hope they will call before the end of the week so I can put this anxiety to bed. My jaw is sore (I've been clenching my teeth at night). Regardless of what I say, I know the stress is from the waiting. I can't believe how badly I want this.

Am I in... or what?

So I go to my baseline appointment. Measurements - hips, waist, and blood draw for lipids and whatever else they want to test. Blood pressure normal as usual. I just had lab work for my regular physical and it was fabtabulous. If it weren't for being fat, I would be one of the healthiest 43 year old women around.

Depressed? Yes - I have suffered on and off with depression for the last 20 years. I have been on meds and have weened myself off of them. I know that if I exercise regularly and sleep enough that I can stave off most symptoms. I like being drug free. This study is the first time I have talked to someone about my issues in 7 years. I wondered if I was still technically depressed and I wondered if I were the type of person that would fit this study.

Leaving the baseline appointment I am STILL wondering. In addition to the physical tests, I had to fill out psych forms again. I did not feel sad last week - in fact, I felt pretty good. I was psyched to get into this study. I am relieved to have a plan for my weight loss and REAL professional help to do it. My weight was 189.9 which is a 10 pound gain - BUT I was putting a stop to it once and for all.... UNTIL I got up to leave and the woman leading me through the tests says "Thank you for coming in. We'll be reviewing all of the information we have and will let you know next week if you qualify for the study." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I thought I was in and now I am wondering if because I was honest in answering the second questionaire if they think maybe I am not depressed after all? I am really afraid that after getting my hopes up, they will call me with news that I am not qualified.... That would truly throw me off....

In the meantime, I am trying to get back on track. My kids had their b-day parties this weekend and I ate cake. The rest is in the trash. I am done filling my body with crap. I rode my bike hard Saturday, and although life is currently keeping me from the gym until Wednesday, I will do my best to at least get in a few situps and a walk with the dog. I am not going to sit around until the definitive news arrives...

Step 1. Total Recall

As a newly appointed lab rat, my first task is to complete 3 random phone surveys about what I’ve eaten in the last 24 hours. I’ve embraced it wholeheartedly and honestly. I don’t know when I’ll get the call (I’ve done 2 so far) and it’s made me a little more aware about what I am eating (Do I really need hash browns?) and whether or not I’ve exercised enough or at all. I’ve been honest, but I’ve felt embarrassed and ashamed? It’s like being caught eating chocolate cake in a closet… How would you feel?

The objective is to get an understanding of my life as it is right now and have a baseline of sorts. As such, the idea is that I will improve from where I am now. That is the goal. I am anxious to really get started.

I'm in!!!

I was notified yesterday that I am sufficiently sad enough and fat enough to participate in a weight loss study! I can not tell you how psyched I am! Two years of having to commit and account to a group about my diet and exercise! This is my big chance to finally get to where I want to be... This is my equivalent of being selected for BIGGEST LOSER. Real help from professionals -- psychologists, dieticians, personal trainers... Small rewards - there is an image component that includes a stylist and makeover, gift certificates for staying engaged in the program for the whole 2 years..... Yes, this is BIG!

I didn't realize how badly I wanted this until I received word yesterday. It was a HUGE relief and a wave of happiness to know that I finally have a REAL PLAN that I am committed to seeing through. Stay tuned - this is going to be fun!

New Leaf?

It's Monday and that means a new start---new diet, new exercise plan... Yup. I walked with my neighbor and the dogs. Next will be a rapid house cleaning and laundry fest, followed by errand running and grocery shopping. Oh - I also need to drop my bike off to get fixed. On the diet front, I started my day with organic vanillia yogurt, granola and 1/2 an orange. All good.

We're going camping this weekend. I am not much of a camper, but it's with the church and it's for my kids. We can all use a little religion.

I am still trying to get used to the kids being in school and scheduling my time so I don't wonder what I did all day! I don't want to volunteer for everything; I don't want a real job. I guess I really just have to give myself 6 weeks and reassess...

I've really got to run...

I am busy, but I brushed my teeth, made my bed and took a shower. Why can't I add "ran 3 miles"? I need to find a way to pry my body out of bed in the morning, which is no small feat considering that I seem to be gaining weight by the second...

Cool mornings? Darkness? Extra-tiredness??? I haven't figured it out. Obviously - because I haven't run in weeks... Jillian Michaels needs to pay me a call. Some days I fear there will be no other way!

Mid-week assessment

So it's Wednesday.

I have to guard today at the Y and I am going to the RedSox game tonight. I made dinner for my DH and kids and got their stuff already for tonight's showers/bedtime rituals. It's pathetic that I have to do this, but - trust me - I would come home to a kitchen disaster, no baths, and no homework done. DH has a hard time taking the reigns, following a schedule and considering the kids first... I truly want all of the prep work to pay off. We'll see.

I went hiking Sunday. I walked yesterday and today. I haven't really done a "real" workout since Saturday's ride, but I am still trying to find my schedule and figure out how and when to get it all done. Trust me, my calendar is filled with commitments. I can't believe how crazy this month has become.

Diet-wise, not horrible, but I am not really journaling (yet). I hope to find out soon if I am in the study and I think to an extent, I am putting my eggs in that basket. I REALLY want that to workout --- 2 years of being tracked, being accountable. I would just thrive!! Stay tuned.

A Long Slow Painful Ride...

I made a date and met my friend for a long slow hill ride, which was not a great choice for my first workout in about 3 weeks... I didn't look at the mileage, but I know it was around 20 and it took and 1.5 hours and it was HILLY. I did not fuel properly and by the time I got home I was nauseaus. I am still feeling a bit icky even after a shower...

And one of my wheel spokes broke?! and the shifting is a little rough - I just got a tune up in July!!! I guess it's back to the bike shop.

I had a screening interview for the weight loss study I hope to participate in. Women, Depression and Weight loss -- right up my alley. It was exhausting just discussing my "issues" but I hope I am accepted. I really need the help. I had a physical yesterday to get cleared for exercise (if I get accepted) and even if I don't I'll have taken care of a lot of maintenance chores (my mamogram is next week!). I'll find out this week if I am in. FINGERS CROSSED....

Today is county fair day, tomorrow family reunion picnic and Monday, a time to regroup for back to school. The first week was awesome... I do love a schedule.

Be Careful What You Wish For....

The day is here. The kids are gone. It is VERY quiet.

I think it may take a few days to get used to....

On the Home Stretch...

Last Day of Summer Vacation...
- no more sand in my van
- no more ice cream man
- no more excuses for not going to the gym or running
- no more lazy mornings
- no more late nights around the fire pit, roasting marshmellows and shooing mosquitos
- no more trips to the lake
- no more sun screen re-application
- no more boredom
- no more beach towels filling my laudry basket or wet suits on the floor
- no more anxiety about going full day in first grade or starting middleschool
- no more wondering about who's in who's class
- no more iced lattes
- no more lost goggles, beach towels, missing bathing bottoms, broken sand toys
- no more blueberry picking, animal feeding, trips to the zoo, park, bike trail

I am in conflict. My kids (as annoying as they are at times) are my babies. I will miss them when they are at school all day. Maybe it will mean that I can be better with them in the afternoons for homework, dinner and bedtime. Perhaps I will finally be the mom I've pictured in my mind...