Maybe it won't be so bad after all...

I just got back from riding one loop of the Oly Tri and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and I am feeling much better about the race. There are 2 LONG hills, each about 2 miles, but the grade is not as steep as I thought riding in the car and I could complete them without dropping down to my smallest chain ring. My average speed was in the 14s, but I think that is good for the course. I felt pretty strong and was lead for most of the 25 mile trip (both sisters came!).

My DH just took the kids to the town beach for some fishing and playing. I said I would join in a few hours. I have a lot of house cleaning and laundry to catch up on and I would really love a shower.

Just what I needed...

I've been stressed this week. So, in spite of the rain, I stepped outside and ran 6.62 miles. I always assumed that it was seven miles, but Mapmyrun said that it was not. I was pretty apathetic when I started and spent the first mile or so walking and listening to the BBC on my IPOD. I also decided early on that I really had to pee, but there was really no place to go (church was locked and I did not want to take my chances with the poison ivy by the side of the road!) I told myself that it would be absorbed back into my system since I didn't bring any water.

I made it home wet from rain only, and I ran strong with no walking. I felt good finishing. As I walked around the block with Daisy to cool down, I thought about how good it really feels to finish a run - strong, proud, superior... Why does it have to be so hard to start?

I am going to try to run 2x week in the morning (days I don't spin). I don't have to go for any set time or distance - I just have to do it. I think I can.

AND - My weight this morning was 181.0... For all my complaints about not writing a food journal and not weighing in, I have maintained. I am thankful, but I won't press my luck. I am going to try anew to write down what goes in my mouth for the next week. Back to baby steps!

I haven't backed out yet...

My sister, who hasn't trained nearly as much as I have; my sister, who has unfortunately gained about 20 pounds over the winter and hasn't lost it yet; my sister, who is obviously crazier than I am, thinks that we have nothing to fear by this Olympic Triathlon. "Hill - Shmill", she says....

I shake my head and think she may be singing a different song come Sunday when we ride the race course. I am keeping an open mind, b/c I could find it doable from a bike rather from the car... we'll see.

AND I really could use a Cyber kick in the ass ... I have fallen off the journalling, weekly weighing in wagon. I know what I need to do and it's just not happening... I fear a gain, I don't weigh, I gain... I know!!! It's maddening!!! I would feel so much better going into this race if I felt in control of my diet (or some similar part of my life)... I need to get a little grip!

UGH !

I have not run today and motivation is just not there. My kids are being rotten and my DH is really just not helping (in fact, I'd love it if he went somewhere for a while...). Happy Memorial Day !? Can we please go back to school now?

I took an hour to go check out the course for my Oly Tri in 3 weeks. OMG! I am completely freaked. Hilly is an understatement. There is about a half mile run between the lake and transition area and the run has at least 2 major grade hills as well. The roster is not long. I fear that I will be last --- in fact, I think I can bet on it. Part of me wants to bag it. The other part says go, finish, and say you did it. Move on.

This is not the day for PMS.

I'll just keep trying to find that middle ground between fasting and gluttony, and know that this is my last real week to train hard before the taper. God help me.

Accountability - My Weight is 183.0

And yes, I got on the scale this morning and it was after I had eaten my oatmeal (a long story about trying to figure out who messed with my scale and changed pounds to stones... and how do I get it back to pounds...). I am up nearly 4 lbs, after my 2 week diet hiatus. This week I am trying to be better about what I eat and how much. My goal will be 170s by race day (June14). I will get there and it will be my lightest race EVER!!

So Why do I avoid running so much...

Once I start, I am OK. It's not like I LOVE running, but I have to admit I do LOVE the feeling you get when you hit the home stretch after a good long haul. The problem I have is in the "DOING"; getting myself dressed and out the door. Some days I get out the door and never get my feet to go faster (actually run). It's a strange thing about me.

Tomorrow is a run day. I have the best of intentions - I just need the follow through... This is the last week that I can go HARD with the training. That should mean a long run.... We'll see what I can muster.

This morning I was up at 5:00, at the pool when it openend and did a quick 1200. Workout done. Check!

Mean Girls

My daughter is a little sensitive and I am the first to admit it. She has a tendency to over-react and has a hard time getting over things. There is a girl in her class that she's tried to be friends with; that she desperately wants to be friends with; but this girl is MEAN. I know it to be true. She was in my group yesterday that I chaperoned all day, and it took much restraint for me to not "accidently" leave her somewhere. She was disrespectful and I called her on it. I am pretty laid back, but I do believe that an 8 year old should address all adults properly. For my punishment, this girl opted not to sit with my DD on the bus home resulting in tears and whispers away from DD and basically bullying. I really wanted to say something to her teacher, but I really want my daughter to be able to work out her problems and move beyond jerks like this excuse for someones kid.

I have been teased in my life. It hurts. I have known too many mean girls -- they destroy your self esteem. Whether it's a blatant remark or a subtle whisper - it hurts and I hate it. I want to show my daughter that you can be yourself and it doesn't matter what others think or say. True friends will be there no matter what and they will ALWAYS have your back!

Spinning, parks, and random stuff...

I am on a roll... 10 consecutive 5:30 a.m. SPIN classes with the toughest teacher around. It is 60 minutes of shear torture some days, but I feel SO good when it's over.

Eating is better, not stellar.

I'll be chaperoning my daughter's 3rd grade field trip tomorrow, but it involves a lot of walking so I should be fine on the exercise front, and eating too since I am tasked with carrying the lunches of 6 kids for the morning.... I'll keep mine light...

My training buddies will be AWOL this weekend ---they're on a cruise, nice. I am trying to decide how to use my time. It could entail a lake swim (with wetsuit), a 27 mile ride (2 loops on our 13 mile course) and / or a run. I'll see what I can muster.

Re-grouping...

I should be out running, but I SO needed a morning to catch up on my blogs and drink a pot of coffee ALONE... Daisy Doodle will get a walk in a little while, but a run is just not in me today. (These should not be the thoughts of someone doing an Olympic Distance Triathlon in less than 4 weeks...Oh well...)

I NEED to get on the scale. I know it won't be pretty, but it's got to happen if I want start losing again. I can't put my head in the sand and continue eating mindlessly and think that it won't have an impact on my weight. Back at it - JOURNAL, MOVE BODY, BUY SOME VEGETABLES...

I don't know what's happening, but it seems like many of the bloggers I have faithfully read over the years have started slipping into old patterns, have stopped blogging all together, or have shifted the focus of their writing from diet and fitness to kids or television or travel or home repair.... I find myself searching for some new motivation and inspiration. I recognized that life is not static - but shouldn't taking care of yourself be a priority? Isn't it important for all other aspects of your life and relationships to be healthy in mind and body? I have struggled with my weight my entire life. It makes me sad to think that I have wasted so much time and effort and money looking for the magic bullet that would make me thin and happy. The only thing I have found is that there is no magic bullet. I will never accept my FAT self; it's not healthy, it does not work for me. This is why I have this blog. It keeps me focused and it serves as a constant reminder to take care of myself.

However, my focus has changed from vanity to health --- I'm not trying to fit into size 8 Calvin Kleins anymore. Rather, I don't want to be stuck in a wheelchair when I am 70 b/c my knees don't hold me up. This blog is my way of being accountable regardless of who reads it. I can look back over the years and see my struggles with apathy. I can see how proud I was for finishing a marathon. I can see how happy I was to reach a new low on the scale. I can see how far I have come. It makes me realize that I have to keep going. I will continue to blog about my quest for fitness and if I find myself ignoring my tight pants or blogging about a new set of curtains, I will remember this post and kick myself in the butt! Bad times will happen; I'll fall off the wagon for sure, but I will chase after it and jump back on time and time again. No excuses!!

3 Flats a Skinned Knee and a 25-mile Bike Ride

Up at 3 for the day. DH had to work overnight updating software. He thought he could sneak into bed for a nap at 3, woke me up (b/c he has to talk to the cat, and the dog rather than just throw them out of the bed), and proceded to tell me (since I was up) how things were going with the upgrade.... I love you, but I don't care about your technicians in India. I am awake 2 hours before I wanted to be and there is no way I will be able to fall back asleep. You should know that by now --- we've been together for 20+ years!!!!!

Off to my sisters at 5:30 a.m.; a quick stop at D&D for coffee and a bagel, and ready to ride at 6:15. 2 sisters and 2 friends. Mile one my sister's tire flatted out. My other sister slowed down to help, forgetting to clip out of her shoes and fell to the pavement in front of a lovely breakfast cafe. I apologized to the owner for the string of obsenitites that were most definately heard through the open windows and thanked them for letting us raid their first aid kit, while sister one changed her tire. Mile 2 my sister's tire flatted out again... OMG How's a girl supposed to get a ride in!? This time we called the husband to come and get her and continued on our way with a "fend for yourself" mentality. 2 Mountain bikes would go the 13.5 mile course and me and skinned-knee sister took off for the 23 miles we had planned.

Overall my pace was great for the first 10 miles - I worked super hard and kept a 14.5 mph average. The last 13 were tougher b/c they included not one, but 3 monster hills and a busy highway. We finished the course in 1:39. Not great, but knowing I can do the distance is enough for me with my Oly Tri fast approaching. We dismounted, changed our shoes and did a quick 20 minute run to work through our transition legs. I have to say that I wasn't dying. I felt like I could probably finish the 6.5 mile run - not fast, but finish! That's a good feeling!

And my sister, changed her tire for a 3rd time when she got home, with the idea to ride and meet us from the opposite direction.... Not even out of her driveway and "POP" - tire flat. Not her day!

Totally Not Feeling it This Week

This week I fully admit to being a SLUG. I ran/walked a pathetic 3.2 miles, listening to a less than interesting podcast. Luckily I made it to spin 2x and will hopefully swim tomorrow. I have to map out at least 28 miles on the bike for Saturday and DO IT.

Eating has not been great either. I must be stressed (and I do have reason), but I need to handle it better than I am. I CAN NOT EAT every time life happens. There has got to be a better way. Nothing I ate was BAD, but it was the amounts that kill me... 1.5 packets of oatmeal, with banana and milk, 1/4 cup light sour cream with a bag of snap peas, 2 pieces of colby cheese, 1 cup brown rice, 2 cups black bean chilli, 2 fiber one bars, LaughingCow ice cream sandwich, 1/2 Kashi Bar, 1 container Rice pudding, 1 cup pasta with 2 tbsp fresh pesto. WOW. I had to write it and see it and know why I felt so FAT yesterday, and this morning. I need to reel this in NOW. I saw 179 last week. I don't see how I could step on the scale and see anything but a gain this week.

POSITIVE is what I will spin. I need to put this little set back behind me. Learn to recognize the pattern while I am in it and think about how to deal with life a little bit better. YOGA - deep breathing, going for a walk, --- all better responses to crazy family issues!

As for the Tri this Sunday. I did not sign up for it. I am kind of avoiding the issue and looking for an excuse to NOT do it. The extra pressure is NOT good, but I know the practice of being in a race before I do the Olympic Tri next month would be a plus.... I have 1 day left to decide.

Maybe tomorrow

I did not have a long run Monday as planned. I was nervous about the 14 year old babysitter starting, making it to my other daughter's Dr appointment and fretting over the rubble that is my house. Can we say FACE LIFT? I would love to just PAINT everything inside. I know we can't afford a new kitchen, so why do I avoid painting it because one day we'll want to redo it and why paint if "one day" might be next year? That's been my story for the last.... 6 years!!! I don't know what brought me to caring so much about what a 14 year-old might think... I guess I am weird that way...

BUT that will not make me finish my race any faster... I MUST TRAIN HARD for the next 2-3 weeks and then TAPER. I am starting to feel STRESS and it's no way to live. I think SPRINT TRIs are in order after this Olympic one is done. I just have too much on my plate right now.

So maybe tomorrow I will RUN 7 MILES. It would be smart to at least cover the distance if I plan to finish it after swimming a mile and biking nearly 30 first in about a month.

Stress can be my friend...

Drum roll please........ 179 this morning !!! A new low has been reached! It has been 13 years since I have seen the 170s.... WOW - that just blows my mind. I feel like I've just punched through a wall and I am free to move further; downward. It's so totally mental, but it really has given me a push... I stopped myself from eating a muffin this morning. I want to keep the momentum going!

Yes, my week has been stressful. BUT, stress can obviously be good for weight loss. I feel anxious, but I also have been really really trying to keep my positive vibe going. Everything has a plus side as much as it has a negative side, and I am staying true to positive.

I put on my new aerobars last night and took a nice 15 mile ride this morning. It took some getting used to, but I think I am going to like them! It was raining so we cut our planned 28 mile route down and ran for 30 right after for my first real brick of the season. I ran the whole time and felt pretty good. The bike felt great - I was really strong on the hills, which is a testament to the work I've been doing in Spin class. I MUST run 7 miles Monday morning. I have to get used to the distance and these next three weeks are my last to really prepare before I need to start tapering.

I am still on the fence about doing a sprint next weekend - I am leaning more towards a JUST DO IT... We'll see how my week shapes up.

Life is Good -- or at least not so bad...

I am trying to approach my days with a positive attitude; trying to see the good in life situations and spin it so I feel better. Of course I am taking the advice of yet another self-help publication on the affects of being self-critical, negative, having poor self-esteem. Low success rates in anything attempted, whether it be a triathlon, test or performance and strongly linked to how we perceive ourselves and our abilities (regardless of our levels of preparation or natural talent).

SO - If I say I am tired, I will unconciously respond in a sluggish manner. If I say that I suck at running, I will. If I tell myself I am not feeling a PR - I won't get one... However, If I say I am doing my best, I will. If I say to swim strong, I will and so on... We are our worst critic, but we can be our own best friend. It's all about the self talk, and attitude.

AND - I think it's working. My week has been hectic. I have one daughter getting ready for her annual skating show. In the last week we've been at the rink for 10+ hours of skating, followed by a lot of tired tears, a finger slammed in the rink door (ouch! but not broken), my little one with little left to do to keep occupied and a few wardrobe malfunctions that have meant more money out the door. My dog has an infected cyst (hopefully not cancerous) that is being removed today so I am sure to spending hours playing Nurse Nancy to her. My husband is working very late hours and hoping to get a promotion out of it (which, in this economy is unlikely) and my clothes dryer is burning our stuff and I don't want to buy a new one right now cuz we're broke (b/c we have to pay the vet!) Oh, and did I mention that we also have a major school project, standardized testing, a school trip (that I am chaperoning), work, and an Olympic Distance Triathlon I am training for.... It's enough to make you want to go and eat.... or scream... or .....

BUT - I am really holding it together. I feel OK. I am sleeping great (though my wake ups are now at 5:00 a.m.) and exercise levels and good. My weight this morning was 182.5 and heading down.... I have been very mindful of my food intake and will make more of an effort to get it into the journal. Overall, I am feeling better than I have in the last year. I won't say that there are no more bad days (everyone has them) but I am trying much harder to push through with more positive thoughts.

AND - Now I will go pick up the house for company this weekend!