Definately starting in October.... NOT

I haven't heard from the Weight Loss Study people. I know my group, I know who my therapist will be, I know it's happening and now I know it won't be in October as promised. November? I hope so. I want to get going NOW...

This week I made some changes. I logged my food 4 days... I exercised three days.... and I hope to do better week by week... I am not waiting any longer for this study. Therefore when it begins, I'll be ready and ahead of the game.

One thing I haven't done is weigh myself. I know my clothes are tighter. One lose pair of pants from the summer is actually uncomfortable and it bums me out... I am done with FAT.

My goals for this week are to log at least 5 days and exercise for 4. Baby steps to get back into it... I am NOT eating any Halloween candy. Not ONE! Not even my favorites.... I really am done!

A New Leaf?

I started yesterday morning journaling my food again. I am sick of waiting for the weight loss/depression study to begin and sick of giving myself free reign in the fridge. I am no longer giving myself a "pass" to not exercise.

This morning I walked 2 miles with the dog and my neighbors. It was good to be out in the fresh air and nice to talk about nothing in particular with grown ups. I am trying to plan out my time (including how long I can be on the computer) so that I don't waste the day. Obviously I have a ways to go before I would consider this a new habit, but each day brings me closer to that goal.

I would like to take a yoga class though I am not sure if DH will be receptive to coming home for me at a specific time every thursday. It's been a rough few months in that department and I have been crossing him out of the equation for the most part b/c I just don't have the energy. I consider myself an IT widow and live the life of a single mom. It's just been easier than trying to make plans, nag and be disappointed time and again. For now it's just how it is, but it means that I don't ever go out or do much for me and that's not really working out so great. I will have to see if a babysitter can fit into the budget.

I know if I want to see some changes in my body that I will have to make some changes in my life and it's not all about the food. At least I am finally doing something!

Will new pants help me run?

I just ordered a pair of CWX insulated running pants.

I wonder if they will inspire me or just look utterly ridiculous on a fat middle-aged wanna be runner? (or jogger if you've read the NY Times article on why I should just give up...) I am hoping they will be like a new haircut - the kind where you feel fabulous and put together regardless of what you are wearing. I hope they will make me feel faster.

Right now I am feeling a bit FAT and I want so much to get out of my rutt. I have to work in an hour, but I still haven't showered. My family is off to 6-Flags for the day so there was no church and no reason to do anything with the morning except drink coffee and surf the net.

If I had my new pants, I could have gone for a run

Hmmm....

I feel I am in a rutt... I am kind of a home body. I have friends, but I am not one to keep in touch. My sisters are all caught up in their daily lives and I don't want to bother them. We've nothing to train for so I don't get my weekly bitch session with them... FALL is here and with the colder weather the neighbors are out less, everyone (me included starts the annual hibernation). My DH is working all of the time so it is basically me and the girls. I am craving a little grown up talk... companionship.... laughter.... fun. None here to speak of... I don't want this to be my WINTER... I need to get out ... take a class ... Who knows!?

This waiting this is getting old...

I finally received a call from my study therapist, Matt. I am still deciding how I feel about a male therapist. I guess I shouldn't discriminate, but I don't know how I'll be when it comes to talking about depression, fatness and all of the baggage that has kept me like this for so many years... My goal is to be 100% honest. I want to get to the bottom of my issues once and for all. All of the help they are offering is free for the taking. I will never have such an opportunity again. Can I talk to a man? Can I talk to a "man" who is in his late 20's? I guess we'll find out...


But when? Hopefully by the end of the month - the roster was nearly full when I talked to this guy last Friday. So - in the meantime, I am trying to live a healthier life, getting out to at least walk the dog daily. Maybe a more structured program soon. Yes, I am still a bit of a slug in that regard.


I am anxious still and stressed. I have thought about going back on meds for the winter, but I'll wait a few more weeks. Perhaps regular exercise and healthy food will be enough to get me through the SADD months.

Ready... Set....

I am home from a quick trip to SanFrancisco. While DH attended his conference - I got to stroll around the city, see the sights and relax. It was fun, though I definately missed my kids. It was the longest I have ever been away from them. I guess I had to do it sooner or later and I am sure it is good for me.

I ate what I wanted, though I don't think I ever over did it... well, not that much. I am back now and waiting for the weight loss study to officially begin. I found out this week that I am in the behaviour therapy group (the one that I wanted!!). I'll have 9 weeks of individual meetings and then group sessions, plus diet/exercise/weigh-ins with other study professionals. I am READY!!

Just waiting now.... and not patiently either!!

Phew!

I am IN the study. I don't know what group I'll be in - BUT it doesn't matter. I am in!!! Hooray!!! I can go to SanFrancisco knowing that when I get back I'll be starting a two year process of losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

I am still stressed a bit with the upcoming trip, but that for me is normal -- nothing a little yoga couldn't cure...

I have a lot to do today. I better get at it!

Monday...

A new week. I am getting ready for a trip to San Fran. I am getting my kids ready for a week with Grandma. Lots O Laundry, cleaning and organizing. Stress.

My jaw is so tight and sore. I am calling the people from the study today to say WTF? It's been a week and I just need to know one way or the other. Resolution is all I crave at this point so I can put my own plan together if necessary. I have to get back into exercise in a meaningful way. I have to make my diet a priority again. I can't let 8 weeks of BLAH ruin the last year of maintaining a lower weight.

Still waiting...

Still...waiting....Should I email? Should I just do nothing. I do nothing.

I am going to San Francisco next week, and I am anxious - but not excited. I am nervous to be so far from my kids. I know they'll be in the able hands of my sisters and my mom, but I haven't been gone from them for this long EVER, and hardly at all since my daughter's illness. I know I need to do it for me (at least that's what my sisters say). sigh.

Went for a walk with neighbors, continued conversation at the coffee shop. I like these people - I desparately tried to live in the moment, but was distracted by my list at home.... laundry should not trump coffee, but it was really hard to keep engaged. I honestly need to get out more. I felt completely out of sorts.

And it's not like I dove into the list when I finally got home... I picked up, ate, ran a few errands, threw in some laundry and watched a recorded episode of Project Runway. What a loser.