Would you like some?

My DH is trying to sabotage my diet.

.............

He NEVER - NEVER - EVER buys icecream (and rarely ever eats it).In the last 2 weeks he's brought Klondike Bars and this Edy's selection. Have I told you that Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy? Last night he asked me twice if I wanted some. I told him I was still on WW and he said "Oh, well I just got this b/c of my sore throat." Sure.

..............

I am not weak. In fact, I am more determined than ever to see this through. I am NOT going to let a temptation to "treat" derail what I know will be a million treats down the road. When I hit my 5 % I am getting my nails done. When I hit 10% I am joining the gym. This week I weighed what I did 2 days ago... 181.5. My 5% is 179.... I really wanted to get there this week, but at least I lost and it makes me even more determined for the week ahead. I am really proud of myself for reaching the 1 month mark with a total so far is 8.4 lbs!!!

Why do I worry about success?

I have been journaling EVERY DAY. Every morsel, bite, lick... it's all in my online WW journal. I have lost 7.2 lbs. This morning I saw 181.5 - which is an additional half pound loss with 2 days to go until my official weekly weigh-in. It makes me very anxious to see the numbers go down. I don't know why.

In the past 15 years, I have followed the same pattern: Determination - weight loss - Anxiety - self-sabatoge... It made no difference what plan I was using... Slimfast, Phen-fen, Weight Watchers... I need to get a grip. I don't want to fail again. I need to break this pattern. It would be nice if I could figure out why this happens, it would be better still to not let this happen...

AM I NOT WORTHY? Don't I deserve to be happy or healthy or wear nice clothes?

In my life I have been successful at losing weight. I remember looking good, feeling good, being healthy, being thin and looking great in a bathing suit! It was freeing, but a the same time it was scarey to be noticed, to feel compelled to share my story, to feel a little bit guilty that my heavier friends were not as productive at losing.... I know that I don't have the same insecurities, I recognize what is - and I hope that I am ready to deal with everything that comes with a healthier body and mind!

Good Things and Bad Things

GOOD THINGS

1. I weighed 182.0 at Weight Watchers this morning. I LOVE my leader - she is SO with it... I left the meeting feeling motivated and ready to tackle week 4. If I lose 2.5 next week, I will make my first goal of 5% AND be at my lowest weight in several years. ROCK!!

2. I went food shopping; filled the cart up with veggies and fruit and good plans for dinner - Salmon and Spinach Quinoa.... I hope tastes as good as it sounds.

3. I picked up my car this morning from the garage and it cost $35 ! The mechanic said everything's great. I got an inspection sticker last week after the "air bag" light suddenly went out (hooray) and now I am set (until I have to repair the A/C --- I will NOT go another summer with out it!)

4. After a LONG winter weekend with the kids and hubby; the cleaning ladies made it to my house. I LOVE MY HOUSE CLEAN!!

BAD THINGS

1. My roof is leaking into the living room. It's ruined the piano bench, ceiling and walls... I spent the better part of my day ("off") buying a ladder, shoveling snow off the room and breaking the ice...

2. My day "off" was spent doing stupid shit instead of what I wanted, which was finding a yoga class...

3. I am feeling STRESSED about my daughter's science project that she just won't finish! She's blown up twice, her tutor cancelled for the week and it's due tomorrow.

4. I have to go to work tomorrow all day and I don't want to... I need a break, but I have no more time off... I can't even take a sick day until March!

5. My cats have decided that the litter box is optional - so even though the house is clean - all I smell is CAT... I would just LOVE to off these old cats, but I just don't have it in me... I honestly wouldn't care if I came home one day and they were gone... (a girl can dream)

6. The weathermen are calling for more snow Thursday night... I HATE WINTER... I HATE COLD... I can not bear the thought of another snow day, or 3 day weekend trapped in the house. CABIN FEVER IS NO JOKE PEOPLE!!

Still trying to figure it all out...

This new WW Points Plus is going to take a little effort. The one thing I've mastered is that fruit is free and I am therefore eating more of it. What is hard is everything else. This week I am 13 points in the hole having used all of my flex points (or what ever they call them) as well as my activity points. One meal mistake can do it and today was the day.

I had a grilled portabella sandwich on toasted ciabatta with other veggies and a little feta. I also had a side of rosemary dusted french fries. They sounded yummy, and I was having a weak kind of day... Like it's MLK day, there is NO SCHOOL, we've spent too much time at home so lets get out of the house before the snow storm comes tomorrow and ruins all of my plans for the second time in 2 weeks... I was pretending that I wasn't stressing about it, but I totally was - as evidenced by the lack of will power... And it was that meal that totally put me over....

A Massachusetts chain, the 99 - I checked the nutrition on the restaurant's website and my meal had 1170 calories enough for an entire day!!! Had I eaten a regular day as planned, I would have been fine. Now I have to face tomorrow and either exercise a ton (possible) and / or not eat. I think I should do both. It's hard to make any progress if you can't stick with the program. The sad thing is that I didn't think my choice was THAT bad...

One more day til weigh in... I hope I at least weigh what I did at the hospital last week. I had delusions of seeing new low numbers this week. I think I should just stick with reality... This is going to be a long, deliberate, hard process.

Things I've Decided

I am ...

• journalling my food no matter what
• buying what is healthy for me and my family. I will not buy gross cookies or Nutella or chips and complain about my kids or husband (or me) eating them.
• going to respond to people and situations after careful thought. I am not going to REACT (which usually means yelling or getting myself all mad or emotional)
• going to stop complaining about the cold (which I hate). I will look forward each day to a little more light, and moving a little closer to Spring. I have to start embracing what I can't change.
• going to accomplish at least 3 things on "the list" each day
• going to sign up for a yoga class this week
• going to exercise a minimum of 3x week with an eye to getting stronger and fitter...

The Worst of all Snow Days...

I am all for a snow day, but not when it falls on my only FREE day off during the week!? Thankfully I am walking distance to my office and even though they are closed, I have permission to go in if I want to. Hubby is "working from home" so he can deal with mayhem. I'll pay for it later, but at least I'll be able to put some hours in today and leave early tomorrow (Of course, that is if there is school tomorrow...) Weight Watchers was cancelled for today, so taking care of weigh in is TOPS on my list.

Strange but true - At a weak moment, my kids talked me into buying a jar of Nutella... After a trip down memory lane (I lived in Europe for a while and it was a breakfast staple at every Pension and Zimmer Frei) I checked the "nutritional" content... How can this be considered any part of a child's BREAKFAST ??--- It's measly serving has over 11 grams of FAT! It's nothing more than frosting!! Now the strange part... Misty, at Athena Diaries, wrote about having nearly the same Nutella experience, on the very same day... I thought it odd...

But I'll be working off my frosting today digging out... The snow is really stacking up out there. It's trash day and I can just barely see the cover of the can at the end of the driveway. I predict hours of shoveling (my shoulder is hurting me just thinking about it). I'll be banking all those activity points b/c I am eating HEALTHY all day, making veggie soup for lunch and staying away from crap. I've set up my computer in my room - far from the fridge and when I get to work (if I do) I know there is NO food there. I had a bad afternoon yesterday and ate ALL of my weekly points, and all of my activity points. I literally had nothing left - and if I was *totally* honest with my self about portions, I would have gone over. It's only week 3 - I need to get a hold of myself.

Can I finally be doing something right?

I had a 1 year check up for a study I've been participating in... My resting pulse is 55 (good), BP fine and my weight.... 182.5. I still have 2 days more to go before WW.... I've been logging my food, and trying to be thoughtful... I guess that's what works...

Weight Watchers will be different this time...

This is beginning of my second week on WW's new "PointsPlus" program. The details are boring, but suffice to say - it really is a new (and improved) program! I like it. It's much more focused on what you are eating (pushing fresh) versus how much you are eating (calories)... Fruit and veggies are free and other items I used to go for --- 1 point english muffins are now .... 3 points... Hmmm eat less processed carbs, eat more protien. Smart.

My starting weight last week was 189.0 - My loss this week was 3.8 pounds. My current weight is 185.2

My first goal is to follow the plan, which I've been doing on line for the last 7 days... My second is to reach 5% or 179 pounds. This will be 10 pounds down and mark the lowest weight I've seen in 17 years... What I must do is keep my mojo going! I really want this to be the last time I join WW. I want to finally become a lifetime member. Hard work. I am ready.

Up next - exercise...

NEW YEAR - NEW PLAN?

It's not a resolution... It's not even a new plan... It's kind of a re-hashing of old plans with a little more resolve. Here is how it's shaping up:

1. I JOINED Weight Watchers (for the 1000th time) - But wait --- It's POINTS PLUS and it's totally different (that's what I am selling my self). My weigh in/meeting day is Wednesday. It's in the next town over, but it's on one of my bike routes so when the weather cooperates, I'll be able to get my workout in at the same time.

2. Every day I do (or will attempt to do) 3 pull ups on my *new* chin up bar.

3. In 2011, I am doing THREE races. I am already registered for an Olympic Tri in August. I would like to do a 10K or half Marathon (which would involve running...) and of course a SheRox or Danskin sprint triathlon.

4. YOGA? - I am going on a healing retreat with my sisters/mom in March. It would probably be in my best interest to take a class before then....

5. GYM - Weights would be good. I am FLABBY even though I haven't gained very much weight. Muscle would make a difference and it would help in completing #4.

6. Patience/Organization/Relationships - I need to make an effort to try harder in all respects to be a better... mom - spouse - friend - co-worker....

I guess #6 is more of a life goal - it's not like I intend to stop or mark *done* at the end of December...

As for today - track my food, be patient with my kids and dog, put some more things away or in the trash, stop watching mindless TV. My DH is away, so we're braving the mall to return a few things, have some lunch and then we'll prep for the week --- outfits, school bags set, showers, and some quiet reading before we're back to the grind...

FINALLY - If anyone has a thought - My 18 year old cat is just.... not using the litter box consistently, not taking care of himself and... I've been struggling with the whole ITS TIME thing... He doesn't have a regular vet (I boycotted all vets for my cats 6 years ago when I was chastized for not spending the money to sedate and clean their teeth!!! That was after spending $300 on "well visits"). My other cat (turning 17) is not far behind.... I just have to DO it... UGH... Suffer the guilt and head to the Humane Society.... I KNOW it's the right thing to do...