Four Hours

I have to get my kids off to school and myself to work. I have 4 hours and then I get to do what I want to do for a day...

My Wednesdays are never what I intend them to be. I always schedule too much and then I am overwhelmed and disappointed because they rarely ever go as planned. I've decided to try something different this week and only plan 3 attainable things.

1. Go to the gym and run - get to Weight Watchers
2. TAXES - the feds have my money and I need it back (camps and vacation need to be paid)
3. Change the sheets... I've delayed this one long enough.

I've been keeping up with the cleaning lady. She comes again in one week and I am not yet disgusted with the state of things. That is good for my psyche.

Full Disclosure Wednesday

Weight - 179.2 ... lost a pound! I have 8.8 lbs to go to get to my 10% goal - which is my goal for the winter. By the time I go on my GIRLS WEEKEND I will be in the 160s and at a new low for this chapter of my life...

I ran yesterday - 2 miles in 22:50 and the first mile was in the 13 min. range. I really pushed on the 2nd running between a 6 and 7.5 on the treadmill. I have my running mantra "YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK ARE" and it's true... I know in my heart I am capable of much more than I give on a daily basis... I get that from Biggest Loser. I think that's why God invented trainers... I ran this morning too - not as fast, but did the mileage and felt good about going even when I wasn't in the mood.

I am 45. It still freaks me out to see the number, especially since my birthday is in less than 4 months. I don't know how I feel about getting older; though I think the hardest thing thus far is learning how people see you. In my mind I am 30.

And I still worry about my weight and how I look and I wonder how much longer I have to attain my goals... I mean eventually a 2:30 half marathon or sprint triathlon will be out of my reach because I will be too old. Certainly just doing them will be an accomplishment, but it will have to be a different mindset. I wonder when that will happen.

I feel anxious. Outside of fitness, I need to have something else in my life to shoot for. People call their children their legacy, but I don't see it. My kids are their own people - their mind - their drive - their luck - their actions. I am mom, but aside from loving them and caring for their needs - they will do the work in deciding their fate. I know i am a little 'stuck' right now because they need so much of me, but I really don't mind. I feel like I am on a train delayed - just be patient, read a book and things will move soon enough.

Winter sucks and there's more to life than a diet

Snow is expected to start before dawn with a predicted 5-8 inches before it's all over. Our weekly 6 a.m. run is cancelled. I am a little disappointed but I am not going to let it ruin my weekend. I will go to the gym instead --- something I didn't do much of this week. Heck, I may even swim?!

I stuck my neck out this week at work. I probably won't be making any friends and part of me just doesn't care. I was recently denied a raise on a technicality and I am feeling a little bitter. I took a a few days off and decided that I'm going to do the job I was hired for and stop trying to make it into something it's not. I will not regain my 'professional' status by paying bills for the library. I know I am a decent writer, but it makes no sense to stress over researching and writing grants that I am not being fairly compensated to write. I need to accept that this job is a MOM job, flexible hours, no commute, good benefits and crappy pay... oh well. I will have to be fulfilled elsewhere.

I am going to take a photography class in March. It's not like I have any free money lying around, but I think my life has to become more of a priorty around here and I am worth the $299. I need to move beyond the fact that I NEVER go out during the week. I don't like to impose on my mother, babysitters are too expensive and my DH is just not dependable. He always has a million excuses about why he just can't make it home on time, and I just haven't had the patience to deal with the drama and disappointment. I need to ask my mom.

The course I found is through continuing education and it's a class to fully learn how to use a SLR digital camera. I just got a Canon Rebel in November and haven't really figured it out yet. It's something that I would like to learn (as well as a good photoshop lesson). I think I am pretty artistic, and this could be a good hobby for me. Plus it's just five weeks and not too much to put on my mom, who I am sure would be glad to help me out.

Everything in my life can't always center around losing weight and staying in shape.

Full Disclosure Wednesday

Went to my meeting this morning. My weight was 180.2 - a loss for the first time in 5 weeks of gains... I think I may finally be back in a groove. I had a decent 3 days and I feel like I am making better decisions about everything... Could it be the dark veil of winter rising as the days get longer?

I have some things to look forward to like a spa gift card my DH gave me for Christmas and my annual Girls Weekend at the end of March. I want to look great for my weekend and I would love to use my spa card for a massage and a "make over" hair cut and color... I am aiming for my 10% which is now less than 10 pounds away. I have about 12 more weigh ins before my weekend, so I think it's more than a reasonable goal...

My day today was less than productive. I found my account to be overdrawn when my debit card was DENIED at the gas station... annoying, but thank God for overdraft protection. We really have NO money. I pay all the bills and we try to live on what's left. Sadly, it is never enough.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. The tax return should be better than last years and with any luck we'll get a bonus.

I can't believe myself.

I went off the deep end yesterday afternoon. I bought a muffin top on my way to work (right after eating breakfast so I know it was not out of hunger). I munched on it all afternoon and then came home and suggested pizza for dinner. I ate 4 pieces and the crust of another. I felt ill and guilty and mad at myself.

I can not honestly pinpoint why? I had a decent afternoon at work, my kids were fine when I got home and the house was pretty much as I left it.

Things I am "upset" about are miniscule in the grand scheme - my DH did not rent a car though he was supposed to drop his off Monday morning at the autobody. He didn't call the insurance company... It was all something I could have taken care of, but I really wanted him to step up since I do everything else. He failed, as I predicted, and it's annoying and disappointing --- Heck, it bugs me!

But here's the kicker: If I knew he would screw it up, why didn't I do it myself and avoid the whole stress fest? There is a very unhealthy pattern here, and I want to figure out why something as stupid as this could cause me to eat to excess - the "wrong foods" and way too much of them!

This morning - yogurt, orange... and if my daughter goes off to her friend's house I can get to the gym... My early morning intentions of working out were foiled by a minus 5 !! Have I mentioned how much I hate winter?

Follow the Plan

I have to work this afternoon so that I can take Tuesday off to be with the kids on their teacher professional day. I am so glad to be done with all of the 'chores' of the weekend like 4-H and basketball and hooking up my mom's new TV... so work this afternoon will be relaxing in comparison to all the running around. I also really wanted to get to the gym, but it probably won't happen until tomorrow morning when my plan is to get a morning for ME while my kids sleep late. The stars need to align...

I've logged 90% of my food this week and I am working on sticking to the plan. I was reminded by a reading at church this morning that my body isn't mine; it's a temple to God. Now I am not religious, but I do agree that taking care of our bodies is something we owe to our loved ones and the greater community. I wonder if hearing this today is some sort of sign for me to GET IT TOGETHER?

I went out to my sisters to run yesterday and spread open across her kitchen table were Nutrisystem journals neatly and meticulously filled out. She's doing the plan with her husband, and this week she lost 4.5 lbs. I am happy for her loss, but I'm also jealous. I can see the obvious. If you follow ANY weight loss plan, you will lose weight. Weekends are not easy for me, but I am doing the best I can to keep within my points. I don't have a working scale right now, but I feel like I will lose something come Wednesday. I really just wish I could get into a groove so it wouldn't seem so hard...

I've run three times this week and hope to get 2 more before the weigh in. I ran 4 miles yesterday with an average of 11:44 per mile. It would be great to work on speed for now and add the miles later when we train for June's half marathon. It would be great to be 10lbs lighter - I am sure it would make that goal a lot easier, and be better for my joints. No injuries, but the aches and pains are much more noticiable... I am getting older - I am going to be 46 in a few months!

Lots to think about, lots to do.

Finally Friday

It has been an exceptionally long 5 days and I can't wait to declare it the weekend. My kids have transitioned from being passengers in my life to taking it over. I knew it was coming and I joked - but the idea of just being a driver and a cook and a bank for the next 10+ years is still a tough pill to swallow some days. Today after a full day of work I will pick up two kids from 2 different schools, drive 20 miles to 4H (of course the car will be stocked with their barn gear, snacks and basketball gear for later). We'll fly out of 4H for a basketball game (a team I coach) that starts at 6, and then come home praying that the dog didn't have an accident, make dinner, take showers and hopefully not fight our way to bed.

I am getting a better picture of why I have a hard time getting to the gym more than I do.

We've got a 4 day weekend coming up (because winter break 2 weeks ago was just not long enough). I am running Saturday morning and I am actually going to try and get to the gym for weights and *maybe* a swim. Of course that will happened only if I can convince my husband to drive an hour to my youngest's horseback riding lesson, because we have 2 more basketball games later in the afternoon. I really never have a day off.

My One Week Challenge is On!!

Went to WW this morning at -12 points and *surprise* I gained a pound!! Shocking I know... The woman who has been weighing me in for the past month just punches the screen and sticks the sticker into my book without a word... I think she just doesn't know what to say. Five straight weeks of gains and the stupid thing is I have NO EXCUSE. I ate too much and I am not doing enough cardio.

I don't need any help. I know how to calculate points and I know how to stay on track... If there was a motivation pill I would buy it, but there is not so I have to DO or DO NOT all on my own. I will take things one day at a time and aim for a better weigh in next week. Full disclosure - 182.

I went shopping. I bought only things that are healthy. I bought nothing "for the kids". I chopped veggies for hummus and made soup in the crockpot for dinner; 0 point veggie. I need to make a better effort to not eat after dinner (sweets). I need to consider point totals BEFORE I make my meal choices. I need to get to the gym.

Chaos.

I REALLY hate my house this morning. My #1 daughter left her hair straightener at her former friend's house and now she's NOT going to school. Great - just how I wanted to start of the week. I am honestly trying to keep my stress down. I am trying not to let her get to me...and she's off...

Mornings suck...
My diet this week has sucked. I went to my nephew's b-day party yesterday. I did not eat cake or ice cream - yeah - I did eat Doritos, popcorn and came home and had... a donut. Yes, a donut and justified it by telling myself that I hadn't any cake at the party.... It's no wonder why I have a weight problem. Let's move on.

I do like the reminders from WW to log my food. I get a little buzz on my phone and a "Did you remember to log your lunch? dinner? I don't always follow them, but I do use the moment to review where I am and how I can make things better. I have a very hectic week ahead (and who doesn't), but I am going to do my best to keep on plan. Reminders will help, and maybe this week I'll be able to salvage a loss after 4 straight weeks of gains...

TGIF

Mornings at my house start out calm and peaceful, but by 7:00 a.m. someone is yelling or crying and my stress level is a 9. It seems that no matter how I try to plan, how early I get the kids to bed, it just has no bearing on how slow they will move, how difficult it will be to find "THE JEANS" that go just right with"THE SWEATSHIRT" that hasn't seen a washing machine in days...

TGIF

Just as expected, but I had to start somewhere...

My weight was 181.4, reflecting a gain of about 4 pounds for December. It wasn't what I wanted to see, but for me this is WEEK 1 and, truth be told, it is the lowest January starting weight in... about 18 years!

What's it Gonna Be?

Tomorrow is my official first weigh in at WW for 2012... I am a little nervous about it since I have been eating EVERYTHING over the past two weeks. My dream was to be in the 170s for this big day and I actually thought I was on track this week until I ate too much homemade BBQ pulled pork... SO GOOD, but I should have checked the points before wolfed down such a giant sandwich... Lesson learned. I will accept what the scale says and move on.

As for fitness, I had a somewhat decent 4 mile run with my sisters Sunday. I was happy to just DO something physical on such a beautiful New Years Day. Can I say how thankful I am that we have had NO SNOW this winter?! I honestly don't care how cold it gets as long as there's no snow... I really just hate winter....I digress....

Anyway, my "new and improved" fitness plan is to run a minimum of 2 miles, 2 times a week and then have my long runs Saturday with my sisters. I am signing up again for the Worcester Half Marathon with a goal to beat lasts years 2:36 time. Of course Danskin is also on the race card out of tradition and there's some discussion of a Muddy Buddy later in the summer... though the whole obstacle course brings back bad 'fat girl can't get over a wall' kind of memories...

Basically, I am glad the holidays are over. I was really out of sorts this year - anxious and stressed. I am sure that a lack of consistent (only 1 x week) exercise had something to do it. It is such a relief to have the kids back in school and a plan for meals and exercise in place. I know I spent money for nothing by not actually quitting WW in the fall, but now I feel like not quitting proved that I can't be "on" all of the time but that eventually with a little work and thought I'll get to where I want to be. Since 2003 I have lost a minimum of 33 lbs and I think that is great. Even if I am not in the 170s I know I will weigh less than last year at this time and that is saying something. Will this be the year I finally become a LIFETIME member? It would sure be nice to stop paying to stay focused on my diet.