Full Disclosure Wednesday...

Not an unexpected gain; more of a slap in the face wake up call to get things moving in the down direction again. I missed last week's meeting, but I knew that I gained and trying to fit in bad news with my kids vacation schedule was not worth the bother.... Of course I thought I could rectify any bad things I would do before today and see a loss... laughable.

178.4 -- up 2.2 from 2 weeks ago. I went shopping, bought plenty of veggies and fruit. I am ramping up for a snow day tomorrow and I am not going to let it get the best of me.

On an up note... I ran this morning for the first time in a week for 2.5 miles --- the second mile I ran in 10:15... I don't know what came over me, but it was motivating and made me happy.

The Biggest Loser contest at work started and I am psyched to win some money... Of course that means getting it all together. We've got 1/2 marathon training starting which will help with the cardio and if I can keep a good attitude and do the work, I just might make my 10% goal by my girls weekend April 1.

An unexpected afternoon..

Sleepover worked out better for me than for my daughter, as the 'frenemy' left at 10 because she wanted to sleep in her own bed and my daughter was left with just her best friend which although there were tears - was the best thing that could have happened. They slept, made breakfast, played and it was comfortable for everyone... no drama.

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Sunday turned out to be an unexpected joy - a friend cancelled plans and left my daughter and I to make zuccini bread and horse treats, run some errands and visit the farm up the street. Of course the casual nature of the day came to a screeching halt when I had to drive to my brother's house at 5:00, 35 miles away to pick up daughter number one... Noone called so I could meet the bus as they drove within a few miles of my house on their way back from the weekend retreat...

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I got out there as fast as I could -53 minutes... She was tired; I could see it in how she held her body, her back to me as I walked into the kitchen. When she turned to greet me her eyes were hollow with dark circles... She was so ready to go home. I made quick conversation and stood at the counter to stretch my legs before driving the hour back. It seemed like mere minutes before we were passing through the tolls. As we drove, she talked about how much fun she had but then the tone switched when I told her about the alarm on her Kindle that had gone off all weekend and noone could shut it off because she had set up a password.... and then.... She absolutely flipped about me having no business touching her PRIVATE stuff and if I did anything to it I would be sorry...(whatever that means).

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THANK YOU BIPOLAR...So much for a peaceful Sunday evening... From there it degenerated into "STOP TREATING ME LIKE A BABY - YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO and I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! --- oh and I HATE YOU, YOU'RE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!!!!!

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All of this was unprovoked and unsolicited. Other than the first (what I thought to be a light observation) I spoke not a word outloud (though I certainly had plenty to say telepathicly). I really hate the fact that this illness has hijacked my family. I know that the unpredictable, outrageous emotion is nothing that my daughter chooses to say or believes... I know it is a diarhea of the mind... Regardless it is still hard to hear and mentally exhausting... It makes me grateful for the "away" time... I am thankful for my weekend of REST and unexpected afternoon of normal.

The Sleepover...

Three is not a "magic number".

My daughter and 2 friends have taken up residence on the family room floor. Once girl is from school; and more "frenemy" than friend - the other is the BEST FRIEND, who is a grade ahead and lives across the street. There was supposed to be one more... blast...

The "frenemy" brought her I-Touch and wants to text with my daughter... The best friend has been on a family trip all week and just wants to catch up and have fun... I fear it will be a long night. My hope is that they will go to bed at a decent hour.I am wishing for "drama free" fun and a morning that ends promptly at 9:30 when the parents are supposed to pick up.

At least my eldest is off on retreat for the weekend having fun and not complaining about her sister or how bored she is or why she can't have a sleep over too.... I may just get sleep and that is GOOD. My sibling run is delayed tomorrow. I am considering getting my butt up and running on my own, thus saving the the 2 hours of drive time... I will work out regardless... with sibs or without --- that much I have assured myself...

February Vacation... and a clean house

I hate school vacation week. I am the kind of person who needs a predictable schedule. I am the kind of person who doesn't do well with *whatever* I need a PLAN... and I don't have one this week. I am lost... However...

I know that the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow. Have I mentioned how much I love her? Of course I must rip my children out of bed before 8 and be out of the house before 9... All so that my SECRET will not be discovered, because my family doesn't know that we have a cleaning lady...

I used to poo poo my friend Diane when the kids were younger... "She is a stay at home mom with a CLEANING LADY?" I thought it completely absurd. Diane's reasoning was that she didn't drink coffee so no Starbucks and she didn 't shop or do her nails. She could totally justify the expense... "But isn't cleanning her job?" I wondered...

Ten years later I am now a complete convert - an emphatic NO!! Home or not... A mom's job may be to run the household and take care of the kids, but CLEANING is not HER job... It should be a shared responsibility and when it is not, measures need to be taken so that resentment and anger do not overcome.

Working the cleaners into the budget is just as important to me as any meal out or trip to the movies... There is nothing that makes me happier than coming home to the smell of a CLEAN. Not having to YELL at my kids for messy rooms or over flowing trash cans reduces my stress and not having to rinse out the sink from my husbands last shave is a dream... I have time on my "DAY OFF" to go grocery shopping and make a nice dinner. I can change sheets, clean out drawers, or maybe even READ A BOOK... Knowing my whole day is not consumed by scrubbing bathrooms or emptying the vacuum is HEAVEN. I am a better person.

So why do I keep the secret? Mainly because I don't want to fight. My husband has NO clue about how long it takes to actually CLEAN and how happy it makes me -- He sees MONEY spent on something "WE" could do ourselves... As far as the kids go - I don't want them to ASSUME that the MAID will just pick it up... I want them to think that I did it, because when they think it's me - they actually care enough to keep things tidy (for at least the first few days)....

Full Disclosure... Thursday...

Went to the gym yesterday and ran a FAST 2 miles... the last 1.5 in about 15 minutes...

Went to WW and weighed in at 176.4, a loss of 1.8 and I am now 6.4 from my goal.

I'm happy with the results, but definately looking for more.

Running Saturday morning with my sister - 6.5 on the schedule.

I have a lot of things going through my mind right now... where I want to go professionally and in my home life with my kids... nothing crazy, but I feel like I need a day off to get my head together and a handle on things..

Wanting but not working...

I seriously see myself being successful with losing weight. I can picture the scale, I can see the numbers going down, I can feel myself running faster and feeling like I could go forever. I have been there and I know what it feels like - empowered, invincible...

But how do I balance that desire with constant craving... There are days I have wanted to eat everything... There was a night last week that I had an intense need for sweets... I ate an expired chocolate Kashi bar when I should have just gone to bed. It makes no sense...

Every week I feel the clock is ticking. If I can manage to hold it together for 7 days - I will be rewarded with a good number on the scale... I start off well and then Thursday - over points.... Oh well, you still have five days.. Friday - over points... Oh well you still have 4 days... and so on, and then it is Monday...STOP EATING! Tuesday....Try to not eat at all... Wednesday weigh in... Stay the same or close to it and start all over! It's a crappy cycle and I need to break it somehow. What will it take? Who or what can inspire me? I have events coming up which help, but the closer they come the less I care?

I KNOW that I lost weight this week - I logged my food - was over my daily points lots, but used only weekly points to compensate. I didn't exercise to extreme, but I did get to the gym and I walked a tough neighborhood course twice. I ate out and went to a social event, but aside from sharing a dessert and a half order of fried calamari and indulging in a couple of homemade brownies I was ON PROGRMAM... and actually maybe that IS the program.

You can eat anything you want as long as you do it in moderation and you make allowances (save your points or cut back on other days). I definately cut back Monday and Tuesday (as is usual), but maybe that is how I need to live if I am going to lose... What if that's the answer I am looking for?

Full Disclosure Wednesday

Weight 178.4 , down .8 pounds. I have 8.5 to go for my 10%, and my FEB goal. I felt like crap this morning, but I still walked the dog 3 miles and walked on the treadmill at the gym for 2.4/35 min. I came home and completely flaked on my 3 goals... #1 done, but my kitchen table is covered with papers and I haven't finished anything... I hate when I get like this.

I have basketball tonight, a full day of work tomorrow and maybe -- just maybe I will be able to get something accomplished this weekend...I don't really care about the SUPERBOWL; I am running with my sister Saturday morning and have a meeting at church with my daughter Sunday morning. That's it for commitments --- time for FOCUS.