Faster

Full Disclosure Wednesday

2012-01-25T20:07:00.002-05:00

Weight - 179.2 ... lost a pound! I have 8.8 lbs to go to get to my 10% goal - which is my goal for the winter. By the time I go on my GIRLS WEEKEND I will be in the 160s and at a new low for this chapter of my life...

I ran yesterday - 2 miles in 22:50 and the first mile was in the 13 min. range. I really pushed on the 2nd running between a 6 and 7.5 on the treadmill. I have my running mantra "YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK ARE" and it's true... I know in my heart I am capable of much more than I give on a daily basis... I get that from Biggest Loser. I think that's why God invented trainers... I ran this morning too - not as fast, but did the mileage and felt good about going even when I wasn't in the mood.

2012-01-24T06:43:00.002-05:00

I am 45. It still freaks me out to see the number, especially since my birthday is in less than 4 months. I don't know how I feel about getting older; though I think the hardest thing thus far is learning how people see you. In my mind I am 30.

And I still worry about my weight and how I look and I wonder how much longer I have to attain my goals... I mean eventually a 2:30 half marathon or sprint triathlon will be out of my reach because I will be too old. Certainly just doing them will be an accomplishment, but it will have to be a different mindset. I wonder when that will happen.

I feel anxious. Outside of fitness, I need to have something else in my life to shoot for. People call their children their legacy, but I don't see it. My kids are their own people - their mind - their drive - their luck - their actions. I am mom, but aside from loving them and caring for their needs - they will do the work in deciding their fate. I know i am a little 'stuck' right now because they need so much of me, but I really don't mind. I feel like I am on a train delayed - just be patient, read a book and things will move soon enough.

Winter sucks and there's more to life than a diet

2012-01-20T21:36:00.004-05:00

Snow is expected to start before dawn with a predicted 5-8 inches before it's all over. Our weekly 6 a.m. run is cancelled. I am a little disappointed but I am not going to let it ruin my weekend. I will go to the gym instead --- something I didn't do much of this week. Heck, I may even swim?!

I stuck my neck out this week at work. I probably won't be making any friends and part of me just doesn't care. I was recently denied a raise on a technicality and I am feeling a little bitter. I took a a few days off and decided that I'm going to do the job I was hired for and stop trying to make it into something it's not. I will not regain my 'professional' status by paying bills for the library. I know I am a decent writer, but it makes no sense to stress over researching and writing grants that I am not being fairly compensated to write. I need to accept that this job is a MOM job, flexible hours, no commute, good benefits and crappy pay... oh well. I will have to be fulfilled elsewhere.

I am going to take a photography class in March. It's not like I have any free money lying around, but I think my life has to become more of a priorty around here and I am worth the $299. I need to move beyond the fact that I NEVER go out during the week. I don't like to impose on my mother, babysitters are too expensive and my DH is just not dependable. He always has a million excuses about why he just can't make it home on time, and I just haven't had the patience to deal with the drama and disappointment. I need to ask my mom.

The course I found is through continuing education and it's a class to fully learn how to use a SLR digital camera. I just got a Canon Rebel in November and haven't really figured it out yet. It's something that I would like to learn (as well as a good photoshop lesson). I think I am pretty artistic, and this could be a good hobby for me. Plus it's just five weeks and not too much to put on my mom, who I am sure would be glad to help me out.

Everything in my life can't always center around losing weight and staying in shape.

Full Disclosure Wednesday

2012-01-18T15:45:00.003-05:00

Went to my meeting this morning. My weight was 180.2 - a loss for the first time in 5 weeks of gains... I think I may finally be back in a groove. I had a decent 3 days and I feel like I am making better decisions about everything... Could it be the dark veil of winter rising as the days get longer?

I have some things to look forward to like a spa gift card my DH gave me for Christmas and my annual Girls Weekend at the end of March. I want to look great for my weekend and I would love to use my spa card for a massage and a "make over" hair cut and color... I am aiming for my 10% which is now less than 10 pounds away. I have about 12 more weigh ins before my weekend, so I think it's more than a reasonable goal...

My day today was less than productive. I found my account to be overdrawn when my debit card was DENIED at the gas station... annoying, but thank God for overdraft protection. We really have NO money. I pay all the bills and we try to live on what's left. Sadly, it is never enough.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. The tax return should be better than last years and with any luck we'll get a bonus.

2012-01-16T08:33:00.002-05:00

I can't believe myself.

I went off the deep end yesterday afternoon. I bought a muffin top on my way to work (right after eating breakfast so I know it was not out of hunger). I munched on it all afternoon and then came home and suggested pizza for dinner. I ate 4 pieces and the crust of another. I felt ill and guilty and mad at myself.

I can not honestly pinpoint why? I had a decent afternoon at work, my kids were fine when I got home and the house was pretty much as I left it.

Things I am "upset" about are miniscule in the grand scheme - my DH did not rent a car though he was supposed to drop his off Monday morning at the autobody. He didn't call the insurance company... It was all something I could have taken care of, but I really wanted him to step up since I do everything else. He failed, as I predicted, and it's annoying and disappointing --- Heck, it bugs me!

But here's the kicker: If I knew he would screw it up, why didn't I do it myself and avoid the whole stress fest? There is a very unhealthy pattern here, and I want to figure out why something as stupid as this could cause me to eat to excess - the "wrong foods" and way too much of them!

This morning - yogurt, orange... and if my daughter goes off to her friend's house I can get to the gym... My early morning intentions of working out were foiled by a minus 5 !! Have I mentioned how much I hate winter?

Follow the Plan

2012-01-15T11:42:00.004-05:00

I have to work this afternoon so that I can take Tuesday off to be with the kids on their teacher professional day. I am so glad to be done with all of the 'chores' of the weekend like 4-H and basketball and hooking up my mom's new TV... so work this afternoon will be relaxing in comparison to all the running around. I also really wanted to get to the gym, but it probably won't happen until tomorrow morning when my plan is to get a morning for ME while my kids sleep late. The stars need to align...

I've logged 90% of my food this week and I am working on sticking to the plan. I was reminded by a reading at church this morning that my body isn't mine; it's a temple to God. Now I am not religious, but I do agree that taking care of our bodies is something we owe to our loved ones and the greater community. I wonder if hearing this today is some sort of sign for me to GET IT TOGETHER?

I went out to my sisters to run yesterday and spread open across her kitchen table were Nutrisystem journals neatly and meticulously filled out. She's doing the plan with her husband, and this week she lost 4.5 lbs. I am happy for her loss, but I'm also jealous. I can see the obvious. If you follow ANY weight loss plan, you will lose weight. Weekends are not easy for me, but I am doing the best I can to keep within my points. I don't have a working scale right now, but I feel like I will lose something come Wednesday. I really just wish I could get into a groove so it wouldn't seem so hard...

I've run three times this week and hope to get 2 more before the weigh in. I ran 4 miles yesterday with an average of 11:44 per mile. It would be great to work on speed for now and add the miles later when we train for June's half marathon. It would be great to be 10lbs lighter - I am sure it would make that goal a lot easier, and be better for my joints. No injuries, but the aches and pains are much more noticiable... I am getting older - I am going to be 46 in a few months!

Lots to think about, lots to do.

Finally Friday

2012-01-13T07:02:00.003-05:00

It has been an exceptionally long 5 days and I can't wait to declare it the weekend. My kids have transitioned from being passengers in my life to taking it over. I knew it was coming and I joked - but the idea of just being a driver and a cook and a bank for the next 10+ years is still a tough pill to swallow some days. Today after a full day of work I will pick up two kids from 2 different schools, drive 20 miles to 4H (of course the car will be stocked with their barn gear, snacks and basketball gear for later). We'll fly out of 4H for a basketball game (a team I coach) that starts at 6, and then come home praying that the dog didn't have an accident, make dinner, take showers and hopefully not fight our way to bed.

I am getting a better picture of why I have a hard time getting to the gym more than I do.

We've got a 4 day weekend coming up (because winter break 2 weeks ago was just not long enough). I am running Saturday morning and I am actually going to try and get to the gym for weights and *maybe* a swim. Of course that will happened only if I can convince my husband to drive an hour to my youngest's horseback riding lesson, because we have 2 more basketball games later in the afternoon. I really never have a day off.

My One Week Challenge is On!!

2012-01-11T11:54:00.002-05:00

Went to WW this morning at -12 points and *surprise* I gained a pound!! Shocking I know... The woman who has been weighing me in for the past month just punches the screen and sticks the sticker into my book without a word... I think she just doesn't know what to say. Five straight weeks of gains and the stupid thing is I have NO EXCUSE. I ate too much and I am not doing enough cardio.

I don't need any help. I know how to calculate points and I know how to stay on track... If there was a motivation pill I would buy it, but there is not so I have to DO or DO NOT all on my own. I will take things one day at a time and aim for a better weigh in next week. Full disclosure - 182.

I went shopping. I bought only things that are healthy. I bought nothing "for the kids". I chopped veggies for hummus and made soup in the crockpot for dinner; 0 point veggie. I need to make a better effort to not eat after dinner (sweets). I need to consider point totals BEFORE I make my meal choices. I need to get to the gym.

Chaos.

2012-01-09T06:56:00.003-05:00

I REALLY hate my house this morning. My #1 daughter left her hair straightener at her former friend's house and now she's NOT going to school. Great - just how I wanted to start of the week. I am honestly trying to keep my stress down. I am trying not to let her get to me...and she's off...

Mornings suck...
My diet this week has sucked. I went to my nephew's b-day party yesterday. I did not eat cake or ice cream - yeah - I did eat Doritos, popcorn and came home and had... a donut. Yes, a donut and justified it by telling myself that I hadn't any cake at the party.... It's no wonder why I have a weight problem. Let's move on.

I do like the reminders from WW to log my food. I get a little buzz on my phone and a "Did you remember to log your lunch? dinner? I don't always follow them, but I do use the moment to review where I am and how I can make things better. I have a very hectic week ahead (and who doesn't), but I am going to do my best to keep on plan. Reminders will help, and maybe this week I'll be able to salvage a loss after 4 straight weeks of gains...

TGIF

2012-01-06T06:59:00.002-05:00

Mornings at my house start out calm and peaceful, but by 7:00 a.m. someone is yelling or crying and my stress level is a 9. It seems that no matter how I try to plan, how early I get the kids to bed, it just has no bearing on how slow they will move, how difficult it will be to find "THE JEANS" that go just right with"THE SWEATSHIRT" that hasn't seen a washing machine in days...

TGIF

Just as expected, but I had to start somewhere...

2012-01-05T07:51:00.002-05:00

My weight was 181.4, reflecting a gain of about 4 pounds for December. It wasn't what I wanted to see, but for me this is WEEK 1 and, truth be told, it is the lowest January starting weight in... about 18 years!

What's it Gonna Be?

2012-01-03T17:29:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is my official first weigh in at WW for 2012... I am a little nervous about it since I have been eating EVERYTHING over the past two weeks. My dream was to be in the 170s for this big day and I actually thought I was on track this week until I ate too much homemade BBQ pulled pork... SO GOOD, but I should have checked the points before wolfed down such a giant sandwich... Lesson learned. I will accept what the scale says and move on.

As for fitness, I had a somewhat decent 4 mile run with my sisters Sunday. I was happy to just DO something physical on such a beautiful New Years Day. Can I say how thankful I am that we have had NO SNOW this winter?! I honestly don't care how cold it gets as long as there's no snow... I really just hate winter....I digress....

Anyway, my "new and improved" fitness plan is to run a minimum of 2 miles, 2 times a week and then have my long runs Saturday with my sisters. I am signing up again for the Worcester Half Marathon with a goal to beat lasts years 2:36 time. Of course Danskin is also on the race card out of tradition and there's some discussion of a Muddy Buddy later in the summer... though the whole obstacle course brings back bad 'fat girl can't get over a wall' kind of memories...

Basically, I am glad the holidays are over. I was really out of sorts this year - anxious and stressed. I am sure that a lack of consistent (only 1 x week) exercise had something to do it. It is such a relief to have the kids back in school and a plan for meals and exercise in place. I know I spent money for nothing by not actually quitting WW in the fall, but now I feel like not quitting proved that I can't be "on" all of the time but that eventually with a little work and thought I'll get to where I want to be. Since 2003 I have lost a minimum of 33 lbs and I think that is great. Even if I am not in the 170s I know I will weigh less than last year at this time and that is saying something. Will this be the year I finally become a LIFETIME member? It would sure be nice to stop paying to stay focused on my diet.

F A T, and yet hopeful

2011-12-28T07:55:00.002-05:00

So here it is December. I have a few more days left to plan and shop and organize before the big New Years renewal... because 2012 is going to be the one for me (like 2011 only better)

My weight is up from its 2011 low of 171.6 --- I didn't go to WW this week, but I am guessing it to be in the high 170's -low 180's. The good thing is that even with the gain - this is the lowest New Years starting weight in about 16 years!

I still haven't figured out the whole HOW AM I GOING TO GET TO THE GYM thing, but my goal is to make it three days a week. I will need to adjust my work schedule a little, and my kid's schedules a little, but it will be worth it to get in the workouts and actually use my gym membership! I think the problem is more ME than any scheduling issue and I hope I will be able to work it out.

I am having problems right now with motivation in all aspects of my life - work, my family... My daughter and the whole "12" year is sucky... I am never sure if it's bipolar or 12, but the RUDE, MOODY, LAZY, LYING thing is wearing me down. I can honestly say that while I love her to pieces - I DO NOT LIKE HER AT ALL RIGHT NOW...

Work is just that.... It is not challenging, not motivating and the raise my boss approved for me was DENIED... blah.... With my kid situation and my need to be available in a moments notice, I can't go anywhere else. I need to suck it up and make the best! I know it would be better if I could focus my energies on other parts of my life - getting some satisfaction from fitness -life goals rather than a paycheck. Now is the time to get it all together...

Swimming...

2011-08-04T21:27:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I am life guarding a swim clinic at 5 a.m.

I have to get up at 4 to walk the dog and squeeze my body into my wetsuit. I am not really looking forward to it... In fact I can't wait for it to be done. It is the last of the child-free days. I will pick up the girls tomorrow night.

I've cleaned out some stuff... one room entirely, but there is still SO much more to go... I don't want to be swimming... I don't want to waste a moment.

My plan is to do my job, come home shower, clean, finish the laundry, and then restock the fridge for kids.

Saturday is another 4 am wake up because I am volunteering for PMC (a big giant bike ride in MA). Maybe Sunday... maybe then I can sleep in...

FULL DISCLOSURE

2011-07-31T07:47:00.003-04:00

1. I fell hard off the wagon...

2. I have not been on the scale in weeks and have no idea what I weigh...

3. I have not been faithful to my exercise regimen (other than my daily walks with the dog)

4. I have not journaled my food on WW nor have I been to a meeting since June.

5. I do not want to let this go any further

6. My "VACATION" is over

7. I will journal my food starting NOW

8. I will get to my regular meeting starting AUGUST 10th

9. I have every intention of meeting my weight loss goals THIS YEAR

So there you have it. I have worked and juggled my kids at camp and home and with grandma. I have dealt with sick dogs and vacations and sitting other peoples' dogs. I have dealt with marital strife and angst and crazy kids and and doctors and broken cars and credit card bills and not enough money and now I am ready to start thinking about ME again and how I can prioritze and manage the needs of both me and my family.

Today I am taking my kids to overnight camp for the very first time. They are both nervous and excited and driving me (and each other) crazy. I am excited for each of them to gain some confidence and be "on their own" for a little while; but I am even more excited to have an entire week of just ME. DH is interviewing and working so there is no chance of him monopolizing my time and I have big plans for every single minute...

The major thing I have to accomplish this week is to CLEAN OUT my house and prep it for a major paint job at the end of the month. It has been YEARS of accumulated crap and I am renting a dumpster with every intention of filling it. Old furniture that I hate, carpets that have been pee'd on, pooped on, spilled on... YUCK. I would rather sit on the bare floor than keep this in my house for one more day. I plan to make full use of CRAIGSLIST since money is tight... and anything I may find is better than the junk I have.

My kids throw nothing away and this is my week to transform their space and get rid of the clutter... I am hoping that a week away from their "STUFF" will be enough to make them forget what they had and where it was...

Yes, I am ambitious. Yes, I know I will probably not be able to finish all of it, but I am going to give it my best.

And while all this work is going on, I am going to work on the ME side of things. I have a few bike rides (in addition to my walks) as well as a freezer stocked with Lean Cuisine and a fridge full of veggies from the farm up the street.

By the time I pick up the kids on Friday, I should be missing them lots....

Not this week...

2011-06-15T08:41:00.003-04:00

My daughter has a classroom event this morning, followed by a picnic (hooray for sun) so conveniently I am unable to go to WW this morning. I already know what the scale will say - it will say the same as it did last week. - 172.4 -

I didn't over eat this past week, but I didn't log food and I ate things at times that I didn't want to. I did not count points and aside from walking the dog, I did no exercise.

I am struggling right now - Should I go for a run? Do I have time? My house is trashed, and this is supposed to be my day to get it all back together. One goal I have for this week is to LOG my FOOD and COUNT my POINTS. It works when I do it, so I need to just DO it. I am meeting my sister this afternoon with the kids and we may try to run the track... I will dress for it and hopefully we will motivate each other to make it happen.

Apathy, but then again...

2011-06-11T18:15:00.009-04:00

Every Wednesday after WW I say to myself: " Self - this week you will write down everything thing you eat in your WW journal. You will plan your meals, stay within your points, and make your 10% by this time next week". Come Thursday night I've snacked my way through half my weekly allowance points, missed many opportunities to exercise and started the downward slide to a Tuesday fast. YUP - I punish myself come Sunday.

I don't want to show a gain, I want to lose weight so I eat sparingly Monday (below my daily points) On Tuesday I try not to eat anything after breakfast and on Wednesday morning I don't eat or drink until after I weigh in. I make myself stay for the meeting, repeat my weekly mantra about journaling and staying within my points, and then I hurry bunny quick to the nearest D & D for a large iced coffee.

This is NOT healthy. This is no way to win the war on FAT... I really do know this - and yet - I can predict that it will happen again this week.... COMPLETE INSANITY...

I have a total fear of gaining weight; and while I know that it is all part of the process, I can't bear to see it. It's why I started this whole cycle of stupid... I keep feeling like if I could get back to where I was when I started WW in January - If I could have just ONE GOOD WEEK - I could put this bad habit to bed once and for all.

In the meantime...

I saw a friend that I did Team in Training with at my daughters lacrosse tournament today. She didn't recognize me b/c I had lost so much weight... ( I did the Boston Marathon at nearly 200 lbs!)
I ran the WHOLE half marathon last weekend and got my PR --- 2:36:49 ---(My next closest time was 242:44 on a flat/fast course) This was a challenging (HILLY) course and with the exception of the last mile - I felt GREAT! It continues to amaze me what weight loss can do for your run times.
I still don't like to run. I went this morning - forced myself - and could only manage 2 miles.
My back is killing me... It took a while, but I don't think I should do the Monkey Bars anymore....
Academy Award Nominee doesn't necessarily mean it's a good movie... THE WAY BACK was pretty sucky and a waste of my rainy Saturday afternoon.

If I wasn't so lazy I could download a picture of my WW book, but instead you will have to trust that my weight this week was 172.4 (down .8). I have less than 2 lbs to go to get to 10% Maybe this Wednesday?

Full Disclosure Wednesday

2011-06-01T10:31:00.002-04:00

Full Disclosure Thursday...

2011-05-26T06:19:00.003-04:00

I weighed in this week at 173.2 down 1 lb. I am very happy with the loss considering the post run binge I went on... Of course I promptly went grocery shopping, stopped at McDonalds (since I hadn't eaten anything) - ate a snack wrap and a small fry and went home for lunch... I did not log all of the food I ate, but thinking about it now, it was at least "good food" - like veggies and hummus, Special K cracker chips, low fat sour cream... and after dinner - a bowl of cereal with almond milk and 2 granola bars.... I will try and get it all down today in my journal, and make sure i continue to track throughout the week. I have to get a grip!

I am so close -- Losing 2 lbs will get me to my 10% How great could that be - reach my weight goal and run a half marathon all in the same week!!

There's nothing like a good nights sleep!

2011-05-22T07:33:00.002-04:00

Feeling MUCH better. My quads are a little achey - post run, but other than that I am back to normal. My other plan this weekend was to test out my new wetsuit, but with temps expected to rise only into the mid-50s... I am just not feeling it... We were over at the lake yesterday. There are lots of geese, swans and pollen floating... The ick factor going to be sky high...

Perhaps it will just be Laundry, Lacrosse and maybe a little yard work followed by a healthy dinner (I got a little carried away yesterday at the Pizza Store :()... Something good will be done before I lay my head on the pillow tonight!

Wrecked...

2011-05-21T14:19:00.002-04:00

OMG - I am really wrecked! I got up at 4:00 a.m., dressed, ate, walked the dog and drove to my sister's house for our pre-half-marathon dress rehearsal. Fourteen + miles and 3 + hours later I was done - in more ways than one... tired, achey, and I have crabby kids who are bored. There is no rest for moms.

Full Disclosure...

2011-05-19T19:33:00.003-04:00

There it is - a new weight. I know it is slow, but I am getting to my goal. I am not quitting and I won't get discouraged. This is the message I took away from the Biggest Loser Tuesday night... That, and I am sick of those sisters - Hannah and what's her name... Go Irene! I also filled up my WW attendence book, which according to my sister, means I will get a prize at my next meeting... GO ME! I never would have imagined that it would take 16 weeks to lose 15lbs, but there it is... I suppose I should just be happy to be losing... It's been a long time since I have shown this level of commitment to my diet/fitness...

Although - I have let the rain get to me this week. It's been just awful - and aside from walking the dog for 40 minutes in the morning - I have not run or even let my heart rate crawl above what's normal... SLUG... I do feel a cold coming on.. My throat is a bit scratchy and I don't feel 100%. Maybe it's just pre - long run anxiety - we've got 14 miles on the docket for Saturday... I am doing it no matter what so I hope whatever it is that's ailing me - it will be over fast, or at least not that bad. The race is set for June 5.

And today I picked up my new long-sleeved wetsuit - payment for guarding at swim clinics this summer... I think it was a fair trade. I tried on 3 and let me tell you - I think I lost about 2 lbs of water weight... I haven't sweat that much in a while - What a workout!! I am sure the water is FREEZING - or maybe 55 or so, but I need to get swimming soon - First clinic is June 3 and yah.....

Working... and not working...

2011-05-08T21:04:00.004-04:00

So this was last Sunday - May 1 at my first, post broken leg, race. It was a 5K in town and there were about 300 runners. My sister and I had run 9 miles the day before (without stopping!) so I was a little sore and a little nervous about running with people who would know me --- perhaps that was what kept me going...

My time was 34:11 and that was awesome (for me!). We were not last, we did not walk, and I didn't feel at all embarrassed...

Weight Watchers was just fine... I weighed in at 176.2 which was a loss of 3.8 of the 5 I gained over vacation. I logged my food (most of the time) and turned in the group tracker feeling like I fulfilled my obligation. I know that I am getting lazy about journaling lately...

Hopefully, I will get back on track for this week's weigh in. I would LOVE LOVE to see a 2 pound loss. That would put me back in new numbers and would really be a confidence booster since losing seems to be so tough for me. I have this issue with distance training and losing weight. Since I actually gained during my marathon training, I have this idea that I can't do both-lose weight and run... That's stupid, and a loss this week would prove it to me once and for all! Speaking of training... I ran 11.5 miles this past Saturday without stopping! I am amazed and psyched and feel like I really am a runner this time.

Going forward we have a short 8 miler Saturday, a 14 miler the next week, a short run, rest and then RACE June 5th! I feel good about this one... I sense a PR in my future! ?

Can you see it?

2011-04-27T12:02:00.003-04:00

IT'S TRUE.

I fell hard off the wagon.

Five days in Washington, DC, eating out, the kids at home for 4 more and then Easter. I did not log my food the way I should have. I did not plan my meals and I ate things that were not on program. Candy, no portion control, late night snacking, it's not good for weight loss, no matter how much you exercise.

I gained 5 pounds?! FULL DISCLOSURE and I won't offer any excuses. I ate - I gained.

THAT SAID.... I am BACK. I went to WW this morning, knowing full well that I was going to show a gain. In the past, this *blip* could have been my downfall. I would have delayed going to weigh in another week (so that I could be REALLY good and lose by the next one). That 3 week break would cause me to question why I was spending money on WW if I wasn't committed, and I would talk myself into cancelling my account until I got my act together.... I would lose focus, gain back what I lost, and the stupid circle would start all over again.... This time was different.

The meeting was all about recommitting and being accountable. One exercise that they started last week was the TRAVELING food journal. It's a 3 month tracker that a member takes home logs food and returns at the next meeting. Everyone gets a chance and feedback so far has been positive. In other groups they've had perfect weight loss for all that participated.... I will be among them come next week. It's my turn (Actually I asked for it!!)

I weighed in, and since I was way early - I decided to go for a walk, which became a 2.4 mile run. No speed records were set, but I did it and I may add a few more this afternoon to make sure I do all the mileage on the training plan. Because - yes, I am doing the WORCESTER HALF MARATHON on June 5. I've completed long runs of 5, 6 and 7 miles. This weekend will be 9 miles. The coolest thing training this time is that I have done all of my runs without walk breaks - NONE. It is a first for me and has been a huge psychological barrier busted... I really can RUN! and I think I might actually be enjoying it....

So, Where Was I ?

2011-04-15T07:03:00.002-04:00

I started a post last week and quickly became distracted... This past week included parties and cancer and running and yelling and biting and running and working and packing...

I logged my food and weighed 175.2 - I haven't been 175 since ... twenty years....??? I can't believe how fast the time has gone by... really just a blink.

So... yesterday I had a case of needing to eat EVERYTHING...Like I know I ate all of my weekly point allotment and we're going to DC tomorrow morning.... Car trip, restaurants... I hope I can maintain! I am going to try my best to exercise, swim and run... Everything is at my disposal - gym,lap pool and a great running route around the National Mall. I have no excuses.

And I do have goals. I am seriously considering a half marathon June 5th. I will need to run 6 miles Sunday to keep on the training plan...I ran 5 last Saturday without stopping - a major accomplishment. I haven't done that ever!!! Amazing what 15 pounds off can do!! Another goal is to reach 10% loss by the end of the month. It's really just 5 pounds to go -a small amount, but knowing how slow I lose... It will be hard work... but OH SO WORTH IT! Reasons to keep on TRACK!!!

P.S. I bought a size medium top and size 12 pants - that fit!! Yeah ME!!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - and a PLAN

2011-03-31T07:29:00.004-04:00

*The Good*-
Yoga weekend with my sisters was great. I was truly able to relax, breathe and soak up some good vibes. I realize how much tension I hold in my body and I really want to do more yoga to manage that....

*The Bad*-
I felt so great, it's been 4 days, and I've done NOTHING... Nothing... No meditation, no yoga, not even 5 minutes... I've looked up some classes, but they're just not fitting in with my hectic schedule these days... I can't let it, but I feel stuck. The food this weekend was awesome - vegan, fresh, organic... but I ate too much and I didn't lose anything. In fact, I gained .8 lbs. My weight was 177 - UGH!! I haven't actually looked at my totals for the month -- but I think I lost one whole pound?! I need to get back to losing.

*The Ugly*-
*SNOW? WTF? I can't even think about the idea of having one last snow day. I have to work and my kids need to be outside running around... Heck, I need to be outside running around. *

My plan for this week:
1. Eat un-processed, good for you food and log it! 2. Run 2 times - preferably 3. 3. Do some yoga - meditation... Something I learned last weekend.

Half is better, but not great

2011-03-16T12:42:00.002-04:00

Goal for the week - not met. I made it for only one run and 3.6 miles. Good thing is that I RAN for the whole distance - and I didn't feel like I was going to die. I actually think the weight loss has made a difference. Now all I have to do is capitalize on it and get RUNNING.

My loss this week was 1.2 lbs - Slow and steady right?! I'll post the FULL DISCLOSURE photo later, but my weight was 176.2 --- My scale said 175 -- and that's another personal milestone... the numbers I haven't seen in a while....

For the week ahead - I look forward to running on Saturday and one other day at least --- we'll try this goal again. YOGA HEALING weekend is the 25th - I wanted to be at 170, but honestly with my track record of late I doubt I will see a five pound loss... Of course you never know! I am really just happy losing right now.

Full Disclosure is more than just a weigh in...

2011-03-09T13:08:00.004-05:00

Posted a .2 gain this week. Not surprised. I logged, I met my goal of running 3 miles, but the spark just wasn't there. I grazed alot. I used every point I could access. I was on my butt TOO MUCH. That's why I am at 177.4.

I need to EXERCISE. I had a decent workout with my sisters last Saturday. I was a good sore. I thought it was a catalyse to more, but then ... nothing.

I need to plan. I need to get my heart rate up. I need to stop pretending that I am doing all I can, because that is a lie. In full disclosure, I bought "light" icecream and pretty much ate the whole thing. In fact, I bought slushees for the kids one night so they wouldn't touch it.... I made it fit into my points, but the reality is I did not measure. It's sneaky, not honest and not about moving forward.

I am going to do a better job this week. I will log my points honestly and run at least 2 times. That is my goal.

Back on Track

2011-03-02T12:30:00.002-05:00

My life is still as stressful as ever - this week included a "surprise"deadline for a grant I was writing at work - I thought I had til the end of March and it ended up being today instead. I worked through the weekend and got it done. It's something I wanted to have under my belt so I can ask for a raise... I'll wait til we get it first... Fingers crossed.

My daughter had a great weekend away with my brother and her broken foot. I think she feels fine (aside from the boot) and she definately thrives on the attention. It was a church retreat and good community fun. I was so nervous, but had to let her go... She hates that I am hovering, but the pain of last summer's broken leg is still fresh on my mind.

And now Weight Watchers... I have maintained my focus and logged my food faithfully. I also stopped including my activity points. The result was an overall loss of the weight I gained last week plus an additional .6 . I am happy with that! (full disclosure photo will be posted soon!) My current weight is 177.2

My goal this week will be to run 3 miles. I have a new running ap on my IPhone that I am interested in trying out. It will tell me my speed, distance and calories burned. I will be able to store my routes, previous time and "race" against those times. The other cool thing is that I can listen to my music at the same time and take pictures (All that while running!!!) SO - I am looking for some sort of "belt" to hold my phone - something that is not stupid looking or impossible to access or uncomfortable to run with.... I'll let you know what I can find. And yes, 3 miles is a stupid number, but for someone whose done SQUAT over the last 8 months - it's a start.

Recommitted...

2011-02-23T17:07:00.003-05:00

I did NOT go to my regular WW meeting. I decided to weigh in at home and get through the rest of this dreadful week. As expected, I posted a gain. On my scale it said 182.5 --- however, my scale is always 2 pounds more than the WW one, so I entered my weight on E-Tools as 180.5 - GAIN and FULL DISCLOSURE. I recommit right now!

My stress is HIGH. I am worried about my daughter, she's sore and feeding off my mood... We need a break from each other, but I don't know how OK I am with her out of my reach.... She's supposed to go with my brother this weekend... They are headed North... where they're expected to get a snow storm.... I am so worried that she will slip and fall or be cold or be tired and miserable and want to come home. Waah.... She really wants to go.....

And then there's daughter number 2. Yes, I know you don't have a broken leg. No, that doesn't mean that we can still go to the Trampoline Gym... She just doesn't see how that would feel to her sister... I know you are disappointed and I know you are BORED and it's NOT FAIR... Trust me, a broken anything is not how one would want to spend Winter Vacation...

One more week until March. I know this is New England and we will most likely have snow into April. However, March brings me much joy with Daylight Savings restored, the actual start of Spring, and best of all - a whole month of school with no holidays or vacations. I have a bunch of things I can't wait to do and running outside is one of them. I am sick of being a slug and really need to kick start this weight loss effort... Recommitted.

It's just NOT my week...

2011-02-22T19:37:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure I will show a gain tomorrow. I just finished logging all of my food into the WW e-tools website and I am at negative 17 points for the week... Much has to do with the cupcakes I made with my youngest, complete with butter/creamed cheese frosting... My stomach is killing me... Stupid.... stress related... stuff your face because you think you should... b/c you have a right... (to be fat???) It's been a bad week....

My oldest had a sledding incident this weekend. I saw the crash out of the corner of my eye while drinking coffee in my sister's kitchen. My brother is a paramedic and first out the door. I waited inside... I had a sort of "I don't want to know" kind of feeling... She came in, not crying, but hurt. She tends to be a bit of drama queen and the lack of tears should have been a sign that she was not right. Alas, there was no real swelling (yet) but we put on the ice and let her sit as we continued with our family visit... Consensus was it would be bruised or sprained, but not a big deal. As we left 2 hours later, walking was out of the question. By the time we got home I decided it would be best to know one way or another --- we were off to the ER.

4 broken metatarsals.... one of them dislocated... "She'll probably need surgery." remarked the ER doc.... Luckily we were able to get in with an ortho - doc today... For now no surgery, but cast and ice, elevation and no weight on it. What a great winter vacation!!!

Of course I feel guilty (I am a mother). I am worried about how she will heal, if she will be OK. I am worried about her mental state - no sports or activity really for 6 weeks. I worry about school and how she will get around on crutches... Her poor armpits are already sore....

So what does all this mean for my diet? Honestly I was fine until the cupcakes.... It was a momentary lapse of reason, a stupid kind of warped sense of entitlement that defies all logic. My goals are clear - to lose weight, be healthy and strong... I want to get to the gym and to do that I need to see 170... Going backwards will not help at all... I recommit NOW. This is it!

Carb Fest...

2011-02-18T18:58:00.002-05:00

I don't know what's up with me the last few days - Bread..... Yesterday 3, yes 3, sour dough rolls... I bought them and I have no good idea why except they were fresh and I could smell their yeasty goodness. They were delicious. I couldn't stop myself and by the time I did, I decided that it was dinner-- ugh... Tonight it was the attack of the PBJ - not one, but 2 sandwiches. It was on Weight Watchers bread so that makes it OK ... WHAT THE HECK AM I TELLING MYSELF? This is not who I want to be or how I want to be around food. I have so much I want to do (diet and fitness wise) and there are moments when I feel myself going forward, enjoying some initial successes only to stop... I am static once again. Why am I self- sabotaging ??

My life is not going to calm down, my life is not going to be

Weekly Weigh In...

2011-02-16T12:11:00.003-05:00

Quick report before my haircut - Weight this morning at my meeting was 177.8, a loss of .6 lb. I am SO psyched that I could lose this week - after last week's success. I haven't been in the 170s for YEARS... like 16 of them. It feels GREAT.

Also, I ran last night. It wasn't far, but it was outside and it felt OK... I am going to try and keep it going... My new reward will be a gym membership when I hit my 10% - I've got 7.7 pounds to go...

Being Honest!

2011-02-09T15:31:00.002-05:00

100% Full Disclosure - Going back through my posts, I wasn't accurate with my addition. Mistake was I couldn't recall my starting weight. The morning I officially began, my scale said 189.9; but at WW it was 189.0 Whatever... Today at WW I showed a 3.6 loss (I didn't weigh in last week due to the snow). It brought my official weight to 178.4, for a total of 10.6 down!! This new weight surpassed my 5% goal AND more importantly helped me to crack into the 170s - the lowest weight I have seen in over 15 years! I could not be happier; and more motivated to keep this up! Next goal 170 (aka 10%)!!

What has worked - JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL... I have been faithful every day to write down and log into etools everything I put in my mouth. I have kept within my points for all but 1 week. I have been a good shopper - buying only what I know is good for me, and consequently my family. Noone in my house NEEDS chips or cookies or icecream! I have been eating a lot more fruit and other complex carbs. I have an EggBeater creation every morning.

What I need to work on - EXERCISE. I finally went to yoga, liked it and haven't been able to get myself back (maybe Saturday?). I need to do some cardio and weights. I walk every morning with my dog, but that's not going to get me into shape for triathlon season. Yes, the winter is a drag. Good thing it won't last forever! What I need to do is RUN - sidewalks will definatley help.

I hope that I will be able to sustain this MOJO... I feel really proud of myself for 6 great weeks!!

Giving Thanks!!

2011-02-08T13:39:00.004-05:00

So - I got home from work at 12:30 to do LAUNDRY a mile high. It became overwhelming b/c I went to a basketball game with my sister for fun Sunday, and the maid never showed up to finish it.... Damn her!! As I pulled in the drive I noticed something strange... I could actually get out of my car without hitting the snow bank beside me. In fact, a passenger could even get out... While I was at work someone (?) plowed my driveway !!! I asked my neighbor, she didn't notice (?) All I can say is:

THANK YOU RANDOM PLOW GUY!!!

So now I will pay it forward. When the opportunity presents itself I will do something nice just because...

Why I didn't get to WW this week...

2011-02-05T08:45:00.002-05:00

More snow... on a Wednesday... yup.

School was cancelled, WW cancelled and I shoveled. It was heavy; thick like cement and exhausting. I am SO done with winter. I know I am not alone...

It is SO hard to be motivated to go anywhere - do anything. I can't stand being cold, trudging through slush and ice and yuck. I hate having to wear 27 layers, heavy socks and boots. Mud and sand and ... FUNK.

That said, I am still following the program, still logging my food. I make myself do it regardless of what I've put in my mouth. I honestly don't think that I lost any weight this week, but I've decided that I would only weigh in at WW for now (my scale makes me crazy), and that won't be until Wednesday (convenient huh?) Perhaps I will get my mojo back and start working just a little bit harder. Watching the Biggest Loser has made me realize that adding real exercise will lead to better, more dramatic results. Yes, not having feet of snow on the ground would help, but sitting around waiting for that to happen gets me nowhere...

And so I commit to doing 3 sessions of either cardio or yoga in the coming week so that maybe, just maybe I'll reach GOAL #1 - 179 and 5% gone!!!

Would you like some?

2011-01-26T12:41:00.003-05:00

My DH is trying to sabotage my diet.

.............

He NEVER - NEVER - EVER buys icecream (and rarely ever eats it).In the last 2 weeks he's brought Klondike Bars and this Edy's selection. Have I told you that Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy? Last night he asked me twice if I wanted some. I told him I was still on WW and he said "Oh, well I just got this b/c of my sore throat." Sure.

..............

I am not weak. In fact, I am more determined than ever to see this through. I am NOT going to let a temptation to "treat" derail what I know will be a million treats down the road. When I hit my 5 % I am getting my nails done. When I hit 10% I am joining the gym. This week I weighed what I did 2 days ago... 181.5. My 5% is 179.... I really wanted to get there this week, but at least I lost and it makes me even more determined for the week ahead. I am really proud of myself for reaching the 1 month mark with a total so far is 8.4 lbs!!!

Why do I worry about success?

2011-01-24T07:40:00.003-05:00

I have been journaling EVERY DAY. Every morsel, bite, lick... it's all in my online WW journal. I have lost 7.2 lbs. This morning I saw 181.5 - which is an additional half pound loss with 2 days to go until my official weekly weigh-in. It makes me very anxious to see the numbers go down. I don't know why.

In the past 15 years, I have followed the same pattern: Determination - weight loss - Anxiety - self-sabatoge... It made no difference what plan I was using... Slimfast, Phen-fen, Weight Watchers... I need to get a grip. I don't want to fail again. I need to break this pattern. It would be nice if I could figure out why this happens, it would be better still to not let this happen...

AM I NOT WORTHY? Don't I deserve to be happy or healthy or wear nice clothes?

In my life I have been successful at losing weight. I remember looking good, feeling good, being healthy, being thin and looking great in a bathing suit! It was freeing, but a the same time it was scarey to be noticed, to feel compelled to share my story, to feel a little bit guilty that my heavier friends were not as productive at losing.... I know that I don't have the same insecurities, I recognize what is - and I hope that I am ready to deal with everything that comes with a healthier body and mind!

Good Things and Bad Things

2011-01-19T16:30:00.002-05:00

GOOD THINGS

1. I weighed 182.0 at Weight Watchers this morning. I LOVE my leader - she is SO with it... I left the meeting feeling motivated and ready to tackle week 4. If I lose 2.5 next week, I will make my first goal of 5% AND be at my lowest weight in several years. ROCK!!

2. I went food shopping; filled the cart up with veggies and fruit and good plans for dinner - Salmon and Spinach Quinoa.... I hope tastes as good as it sounds.

3. I picked up my car this morning from the garage and it cost $35 ! The mechanic said everything's great. I got an inspection sticker last week after the "air bag" light suddenly went out (hooray) and now I am set (until I have to repair the A/C --- I will NOT go another summer with out it!)

4. After a LONG winter weekend with the kids and hubby; the cleaning ladies made it to my house. I LOVE MY HOUSE CLEAN!!

BAD THINGS

1. My roof is leaking into the living room. It's ruined the piano bench, ceiling and walls... I spent the better part of my day ("off") buying a ladder, shoveling snow off the room and breaking the ice...

2. My day "off" was spent doing stupid shit instead of what I wanted, which was finding a yoga class...

3. I am feeling STRESSED about my daughter's science project that she just won't finish! She's blown up twice, her tutor cancelled for the week and it's due tomorrow.

4. I have to go to work tomorrow all day and I don't want to... I need a break, but I have no more time off... I can't even take a sick day until March!

5. My cats have decided that the litter box is optional - so even though the house is clean - all I smell is CAT... I would just LOVE to off these old cats, but I just don't have it in me... I honestly wouldn't care if I came home one day and they were gone... (a girl can dream)

6. The weathermen are calling for more snow Thursday night... I HATE WINTER... I HATE COLD... I can not bear the thought of another snow day, or 3 day weekend trapped in the house. CABIN FEVER IS NO JOKE PEOPLE!!

Still trying to figure it all out...

2011-01-17T20:36:00.002-05:00

This new WW Points Plus is going to take a little effort. The one thing I've mastered is that fruit is free and I am therefore eating more of it. What is hard is everything else. This week I am 13 points in the hole having used all of my flex points (or what ever they call them) as well as my activity points. One meal mistake can do it and today was the day.

I had a grilled portabella sandwich on toasted ciabatta with other veggies and a little feta. I also had a side of rosemary dusted french fries. They sounded yummy, and I was having a weak kind of day... Like it's MLK day, there is NO SCHOOL, we've spent too much time at home so lets get out of the house before the snow storm comes tomorrow and ruins all of my plans for the second time in 2 weeks... I was pretending that I wasn't stressing about it, but I totally was - as evidenced by the lack of will power... And it was that meal that totally put me over....

A Massachusetts chain, the 99 - I checked the nutrition on the restaurant's website and my meal had 1170 calories enough for an entire day!!! Had I eaten a regular day as planned, I would have been fine. Now I have to face tomorrow and either exercise a ton (possible) and / or not eat. I think I should do both. It's hard to make any progress if you can't stick with the program. The sad thing is that I didn't think my choice was THAT bad...

One more day til weigh in... I hope I at least weigh what I did at the hospital last week. I had delusions of seeing new low numbers this week. I think I should just stick with reality... This is going to be a long, deliberate, hard process.

Things I've Decided

2011-01-15T09:31:00.002-05:00

I am ...

journalling my food no matter what
buying what is healthy for me and my family. I will not buy gross cookies or Nutella or chips and complain about my kids or husband (or me) eating them.
going to respond to people and situations after careful thought. I am not going to REACT (which usually means yelling or getting myself all mad or emotional)
going to stop complaining about the cold (which I hate). I will look forward each day to a little more light, and moving a little closer to Spring. I have to start embracing what I can't change.
going to accomplish at least 3 things on "the list" each day
going to sign up for a yoga class this week
going to exercise a minimum of 3x week with an eye to getting stronger and fitter...

The Worst of all Snow Days...

2011-01-12T09:02:00.002-05:00

I am all for a snow day, but not when it falls on my only FREE day off during the week!? Thankfully I am walking distance to my office and even though they are closed, I have permission to go in if I want to. Hubby is "working from home" so he can deal with mayhem. I'll pay for it later, but at least I'll be able to put some hours in today and leave early tomorrow (Of course, that is if there is school tomorrow...) Weight Watchers was cancelled for today, so taking care of weigh in is TOPS on my list.

Strange but true - At a weak moment, my kids talked me into buying a jar of Nutella... After a trip down memory lane (I lived in Europe for a while and it was a breakfast staple at every Pension and Zimmer Frei) I checked the "nutritional" content... How can this be considered any part of a child's BREAKFAST ??--- It's measly serving has over 11 grams of FAT! It's nothing more than frosting!! Now the strange part... Misty, at Athena Diaries, wrote about having nearly the same Nutella experience, on the very same day... I thought it odd...

But I'll be working off my frosting today digging out... The snow is really stacking up out there. It's trash day and I can just barely see the cover of the can at the end of the driveway. I predict hours of shoveling (my shoulder is hurting me just thinking about it). I'll be banking all those activity points b/c I am eating HEALTHY all day, making veggie soup for lunch and staying away from crap. I've set up my computer in my room - far from the fridge and when I get to work (if I do) I know there is NO food there. I had a bad afternoon yesterday and ate ALL of my weekly points, and all of my activity points. I literally had nothing left - and if I was *totally* honest with my self about portions, I would have gone over. It's only week 3 - I need to get a hold of myself.

Can I finally be doing something right?

2011-01-10T16:44:00.002-05:00

I had a 1 year check up for a study I've been participating in... My resting pulse is 55 (good), BP fine and my weight.... 182.5. I still have 2 days more to go before WW.... I've been logging my food, and trying to be thoughtful... I guess that's what works...

Weight Watchers will be different this time...

2011-01-05T19:59:00.002-05:00

This is beginning of my second week on WW's new "PointsPlus" program. The details are boring, but suffice to say - it really is a new (and improved) program! I like it. It's much more focused on what you are eating (pushing fresh) versus how much you are eating (calories)... Fruit and veggies are free and other items I used to go for --- 1 point english muffins are now .... 3 points... Hmmm eat less processed carbs, eat more protien. Smart.

My starting weight last week was 189.0 - My loss this week was 3.8 pounds. My current weight is 185.2

My first goal is to follow the plan, which I've been doing on line for the last 7 days... My second is to reach 5% or 179 pounds. This will be 10 pounds down and mark the lowest weight I've seen in 17 years... What I must do is keep my mojo going! I really want this to be the last time I join WW. I want to finally become a lifetime member. Hard work. I am ready.

Up next - exercise...

NEW YEAR - NEW PLAN?

2011-01-02T09:06:00.002-05:00

It's not a resolution... It's not even a new plan... It's kind of a re-hashing of old plans with a little more resolve. Here is how it's shaping up:

1. I JOINED Weight Watchers (for the 1000th time) - But wait --- It's POINTS PLUS and it's totally different (that's what I am selling my self). My weigh in/meeting day is Wednesday. It's in the next town over, but it's on one of my bike routes so when the weather cooperates, I'll be able to get my workout in at the same time.

2. Every day I do (or will attempt to do) 3 pull ups on my *new* chin up bar.

3. In 2011, I am doing THREE races. I am already registered for an Olympic Tri in August. I would like to do a 10K or half Marathon (which would involve running...) and of course a SheRox or Danskin sprint triathlon.

4. YOGA? - I am going on a healing retreat with my sisters/mom in March. It would probably be in my best interest to take a class before then....

5. GYM - Weights would be good. I am FLABBY even though I haven't gained very much weight. Muscle would make a difference and it would help in completing #4.

6. Patience/Organization/Relationships - I need to make an effort to try harder in all respects to be a better... mom - spouse - friend - co-worker....

I guess #6 is more of a life goal - it's not like I intend to stop or mark *done* at the end of December...

As for today - track my food, be patient with my kids and dog, put some more things away or in the trash, stop watching mindless TV. My DH is away, so we're braving the mall to return a few things, have some lunch and then we'll prep for the week --- outfits, school bags set, showers, and some quiet reading before we're back to the grind...

FINALLY - If anyone has a thought - My 18 year old cat is just.... not using the litter box consistently, not taking care of himself and... I've been struggling with the whole ITS TIME thing... He doesn't have a regular vet (I boycotted all vets for my cats 6 years ago when I was chastized for not spending the money to sedate and clean their teeth!!! That was after spending $300 on "well visits"). My other cat (turning 17) is not far behind.... I just have to DO it... UGH... Suffer the guilt and head to the Humane Society.... I KNOW it's the right thing to do...

Reasons I am Glad to be Done with 2010

2010-12-27T20:40:00.004-05:00

1. No Diet Success - It's not like I really tried..... It's not like I didn't care either... It was a year of utter limbo...

2. No Races - 2010 was the first year since 2003 that I didn't do one race. I could blame my broken leg - but that would only cover me from June to October... I could have done at least one...

3. Transitions - 2010 marked my return to "real" work - unlike lifeguarding or swimming lessons... pretty good money, benefits and responsibilities, 28 hours with no child care and a husband who hasn't realized that this has happened.

4. Mental Illness - Nothing new, but not any better. It continues to suck the life right out of me and our family.

5. Commitments - Don't think that kids get easier when the diapers are gone. The reality is I am busier than I've ever been... 2 kids with school, gymnastics, piano, lacrosse, dance, basketball, church, all of THEIR homework, a dog, 2 cats and when, oh when, will I be able to grocery shop and plan healthy meals?

6. Age - I am convinced that not working out has quicked the aging process.... I can no longer see, my knees ache constantly and in new ways.... my leg took 4 weeks longer to heal than the doctor told me it would...

7. Motivation - 2010 sorely lacked... any....

8. Food - It really is every where and there's a pusher on every corner.

9. Weight Watchers?- I thought I could avoid giving my money to the multibillion dollar weight loss industry, when the reality is that I need something --- a plan, accountability.... a commitment to something...

10. Death - First, my dear Daisy Doodle... A dog is really a FRIEND...and it was tough to lose her so suddenly... and more tragic my friend and coworker, senselessly murdered by her husband... so sad, so surreal... I still don't think I've come to terms....

What's wrong with me?

2010-11-13T08:07:00.002-05:00

I WANT to lose weight. I want to get in shape. I picture myself running and flexible and in smaller jeans. I have good days and then I have bad weeks. This morning my sister is expecting a report on my weight for the Fall challenge to which I owe 30$ for the kitty. I know it's not going to be good. I ate everything this week... I am starting to look for an excellent charity to give my challenge money to since I don't see myself hitting that 10 lb loss mark.

Ten pounds seemed like such a small amount just 6 weeks ago...so possible. Unfortunately, I didn't do the work. I didn't lose the weight. In fact, I'm sure I weigh the same as when I started (if not more!). What is wrong with me? (besides Halloween)

I honestly don't know what will inspire or motivate beyond wanting to be a certain way. I know I need to take care of myself, but knowing and doing are 2 different things. I know I can't give up. I know come January 1, I'll be all about the resolution and going back to the gym and starting to train for Triathlon season... I know how awful I will feel to be starting worse off than I am now... I need to at least maintain. AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, since it's 8 a.m. and I've only just eaten my healthy oatmeal and skim milk - today will be DAY 1 of a healthy diet; followed by day 2, and so on... We'll see how it plays out.

Just keep trying...

2010-10-27T12:06:00.002-04:00

Weight loss is stagnate.

I am so unmotivated. I am so BLAH...

I know it's work. I know it's not going to happen without attention. I don't want to get fatter...

Hoping to pull something out of this weekend's weigh in... last week was 186?!

In Case You Were Wondering...

2010-10-09T16:10:00.003-04:00

I hiked 5 miles with my sisters this morning... I wish I had a camera with me to document the beautiful sunrise from atop of the mountain we climbed... Well... hill ... but the highest point in town... Then...

it was off to weigh in (as part of the FALL CHALLENGE). I was a little unsure about what the scale would say. I have not dieted, nor have I paid too much attention to what I was eating... In fact, the only thing I've done was attempt to conserve money after the SanFrancisco jaunt by not eatting out and ...

I weighed in at 183.4 (and that's after a large coffee and a plain bagel)... I am quite impressed... I'm thinking - MAN - what if I actually tried next week?....SO...

I've decided to try. I have 6.1 lbs to lose by Christmas. Hopefully I'll lose more. My lowest in the last 2 years has been 179.5 and I am 4 lbs away from breaking that...

What's Happening

2010-10-06T08:57:00.002-04:00

1. My brother had a heart attack. He's 42. It was mild, he spent a night in the hospital and has been told to get his health in order to avoid another... We asked him to go on our hike this weekend. We asked him to participate in our challenge.... Alas, he knows what he needs to do... Don't we all... Look how great it's working...

2. I ran 1/2 mile yesterday. I am trying to feel how my leg is behaving. Is my gait any better? No pain this morning. I may run 3/4 mile today... in the rain...

3. My daughter has been rotten since last Friday. Unpredictable and mean, but then giddy and silly... I hate her illness - not her... We went to her therapy appointment last night. She wouldn't talk to me the whole ride over; she wouldn't get out of the car. She didn't want me to embarrass her by pulling her out, so she relented and went in. As I flipped through a magazine in the waiting room, I realized for the first time that I was scared to bring her home if she was still in the same state as when arrived. She is bigger and stronger and I am SO sick of her hurting me and her sister. The last episode took SO much out of me... bruises up and down my arms, a bite mark... It is not pretty... Luckily, she had been talked down. She was "normal" again. I felt horrible all night for my feelings in the waiting room...

4. I started taking antidepressants again. I have been on the edge for the last few weeks and I do not want to slide. It's amazing how much the change in seasons / lack of light affects me.

5. I still haven't started journaling. I hope my brothers health will have an effect on my own in a positive way...

6. My puppy has learned to sit, lie down, spin around, sit pretty and we're working on speaking and rolling over... she's so smart!! just 4 months old... She really has helped me so much... Keeps me grounded...

7. Trying to figure out what to do about teaching swimming/lifeguarding...I stopped when I took my new job at the library. I had an idea that once I was settled, I would be back... I thought about going back this fall, but my daughters issues kept me busy... I would like to get to the gym to work out, but without doing lessons, I will have to pay for a membership... I don't want my Lifeguard certification to lapse... Now that my kids are older I don't need the YMCA as much as I did... I don't know what to do...

8. Today is MY DAY off from work and the kids are in school and I am NOT going to waste it... My goal is to get all of my errands out of the way, make a healthy dinner for the girls and DH and then... take a few minutes for ME... read, write,whatever I choose.

Fall Challenge!

2010-09-28T14:25:00.003-04:00

I've officially started the fall weight loss challenge. I am officially 187.5 and that makes me FAT. I've got 13 weeks to lose 10 lbs. That's it - That's the challenge. We weigh in 1 x week at my sister's house and she collects 10$. At the end of 13 weeks, if we've lost 10 lbs - we keep the money to spend on whatever we choose (as long as it's something personal like a massage or a mani/pedi or a yoga class). If we don't make the 10lbs, the money goes to charity. It's that easy!

We decided it's better than giving our money to WW and we're fully accountable to each other.

SO - I am following no real plan yet - other than walking with the dog daily and not eating so much... Tomorrow I start FITDAY and we'll see if the motivation kicks in...

Not that again...

2010-09-24T07:06:00.002-04:00

Everyone is talking about it... that ugly seasonal affective disorder (SAD), otherwise known as winter depression, hibernation, ... I have been a victum for many many years. Yesterday I wanted to cry all day. I know I have a lot on my plate to cause me stress, but I have got to find another way to manage. I can't spend another winter in a funk.

My leg is h e a l i n g s l o w l y... annoying, BUT there are things I can do, like walk for one thing... I know I will feel better. There is also vitamin D and the sun lamp... I will leave no stone unturned... Only 6 more months until Spring...

Quest for Fairness

2010-09-23T20:01:00.002-04:00

I am attempting to get an IEP for my daughter AGAIN. I am not going it alone. I will hire an advocate. I will not be blindsided...

Received her state test scores for 4th grade and she's fallen into the "NEEDS IMPROVEMENT" category. This after a year of me paying for a tutor and begging for at least a math class with an aide... Her first test this year was 64. By the end of the first week of school I requested a meeting with the teacher. Her first reply was "It's a short week; I'll be in touch... " I waited and politely requested we find time to meet. Her response "I don't like to do conferences until I can get to know the student a little better... but here's my number if you really think it's necessary." YES, I THINK IT's IMPORTANT I will call you Monday..." Hard for me to keep from driving down there and screaming bloody murder...

I know I have to keep a cool, productive, advocate face on - and leave the broken hearted mom face at home.... I feel like I have to kiss some serious ASS if I am to get anywhere in this town.

The BEST feeling in the world....

2010-09-14T14:32:00.002-04:00

is walking into your house and smelling CLEAN. It is noticing that your baseboards really are white, as are the alternating squares on your kitchen floor.... Since I broke my leg in June, my house has gone to shit. I would pick up, do the laundry, sweep and swiffer, but that's about it. I haven't cleaned my house in ages and I was overwhelmed by the prospect. Seriously, if you are going to deep clean a room, it could take 8 hours... Move the furniture, vacuum under the cushions of the couch (yuck), wipe down walls, dust... Working 28 hours a week now, I just can't find the time. Besides, when I took the job I told my DH that he'd have to chip in... It's been 7 months and I don't think he's altered his life on iota.

SO - I hired a cleanning team to come every other week and they started today. I was a little nervous about leaving my house (and puppy) to complete strangers, who asked for cash and were driving a van with long expired tags... I thought to myself as I drove off to work that my DH would kill me - to be robbed blind in broad daylight... But they were AWESOME!!! When I came home 3 hours later to walk the dog, they were still here AND they were cleaning my microwave!!!
5 hours later, now home for the day - I feel positively GIDDY.... The fridge is really white... I still want a new one, but it's CLEAN. The showers are shining... They made the beds for the girls and set up their stuffed animals.... All of our important stuff is just how we left it. I pray that it can stay like this until they come again....

It is the BEST money that I've spent in ages. My DH can deal. I am NOT giving this up!!!

2010-09-13T18:16:00.003-04:00

My daughter has a mood disorder. I love her, but it is a struggle nearly every day. She can be rude, demanding, mean, aggressive. Homework is impossible; showers and nightly rituals can end in screaming fits or broken toys. Counter to everything you might read in the parenting magazines - for a kid with bipolar, confrontation or correction is akin to poking a hornets nest with a really short stick. You just don't do it.

She's being treated, she sees a therapist and she is beginning to recognize how this illness works with her and that it affects our whole family. Of course she's only 10 so we are no where near where we want to be in terms of creating coping mechanisms to take her through life...

So I've spent the last week trying to gather strenth and amunition to talk to her new teacher and hopefully work out a way to get my kid through the 5th grade. Since she's smart and not failing, she doesn't qualify for an IEP, and I am just now looking into a 504. I can't tell you how blindsided I was by the whole SPED bureaucracy, and the hostile enviroment the school puts up. I am barely to the point in my acceptance of this illness that I can make it through a discussion without crying. I don't want to cry.

I wanted her to be OK this year, but clearly she is not - I am not willing to 'wait and see' this year.

Why here? I guess I am writing about this here because it affects me deeply and could be part of the reason for my stress and my need to eat. It's why I can't get to the gym or go out at night to a yoga class. It can be very isolating. I guard the secret because of the stigma. I don't want my kid to be teased or labeled or shunned. I hate it; and I've said many times that I wish it were cancer - at least then you can talk about it; people want to help you. With bipolar, people want to either question the diagnosis or quietly retreat; never to be heard from again. SAD. So I'll work through the stress, try and keep my composure and be healthy.

I know I have to take care of ME to take care of everyone else. Thank goodness for Miss Agnes! Love my dog!!

Getting Stronger...

2010-09-09T12:47:00.002-04:00

My trainer told me to STOP running... until I get my strength back. "An uneven gait can only create more problems.... conditioning, strengthening exercises should be your focus... " That it what I will do... get stronger.

On the scale front - my sister and I do not want to go back to Weight Watchers SO we're going to try our own version with our other sister as weigh in monitor... We haven't worked out all the details yet, but I am at least using LOSE IT again on my itouch and trying to keep track of what I am eating. I suppose the best thing I could do is to get on the scale... I am afraid of what it will say (as if not knowing makes it not exist in reality)

The kids are back in school (sort of... today is a day off for Roshashana) and I am slowly starting to reclaim my life. I called a cleaning lady - much to my DH's dismay --- and even if she only comes occasionally, I'll be markedly happier! My friend assured me today that it was a good decision even if I feel like we don't have the money... We'll see how it goes.

Baby Steps...

2010-09-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

I rode my bike yesterday... 15 miles and man am I out of shape... I was very psyched to get out there and more excited to have it behind me. I haven't been making time for myself and I hope that it is just the first of many workouts to come.

We've got another few weeks of atypical schedules, Labor Day, the Jewish Holidays and then SanFrancisco for a long weekend. I am starting to realize that NORMAL could just be "atypical"- the way it is right now- and I've got to learn to deal with it. I can't blame what I put in my mouth on my kids or my job or my crazy dog. I am responsible and it's my choice what I eat, if I exercise and what the scale says. I am thankful for SCHOOL - the pressures of the summer - making sure my kids were entertained and taken care of was a lot for me to deal with, as was the expense. Going into fall, I have more time for me. Now I just have to make the most of it.

Only 3 more days....

2010-08-29T13:06:00.003-04:00

Three more days until I sort of get my life back... or at least a better grip on it... SCHOOL starts. T H A N K G O D - really...

Bored, cranky, sick of one another... I need structure and a regular schedule just as much as the kids do. I have plans and lists and... I can't wait to put them into action. My leg is feeling much better. I think I can start running soon... I know I can start biking, if only I would just pull the bike out and do it. I know I could eat better... I need that groove that September brings.

Waking up is hard to do...

2010-08-23T07:12:00.003-04:00

One more week of summer vacation and I am trying to get my kids to wake up earlier so it won't be so painful next Wednesday... much tougher than I thought. Of course I have my own personal *get up now* clock; where the punishment for sleeping in is NOT worth the extra 15 minutes...

A Major Case....

2010-08-18T10:09:00.002-04:00

... the end of summer ... my leg still hurts.... my kids need to go back to school... my babysitter is sick of my kids ... the kids are sick of the babysitter.... I am sick of paying her.... work is managable except for the hours I have to get in... I am broke.... I've eaten like I've been starved for weeks... I am eating crap... I could ride my bike, but I haven't... I could go swim, but I don't.... I have a major case of the F-its!

What can I do? 2 weeks is a long time.... Ideas?

New Additions and Life Assessment

2010-08-06T13:58:00.004-04:00

Miss Agnes has arrived, and she's cute as can be. If my kids don't kill her with *love* she will grow up to be a wonderful companion.

She cried all night and I slept maybe 2 hours... with my IPOD on to drown out the whining...

Hopefully tonight will be better. I have to get up at 330 am b/c my sister talked me into volunteering for PanMass...... you know, giving back... I have no idea what I was thinking...

I ate pancakes for breakfast; a Kashi meal for lunch and too many cookies with 2 glasses of milk... CARBs are killing me... As is typical for me I am putting off my life - the changes I want to make with regard to my house, diet, work, exercise until the kids go back to school. August is a void for me, but this is the last year it will happen. I am going to spend the $ and put the kids in camp. For my peace of mind, they need to be entertained and I honestly don't have it in me to do it all - work, house, kids... I have to take some things off my plate. Cleaning lady and daycare will no longer be an issue! Live and Learn.

Therapy Hurts...

2010-08-04T15:02:00.002-04:00

PT is PAINFUL --- Deep tissue massage and all sorts of stretches = one sore leg! It really is amazing how quickly muscle tone is lost, but also how quickly it can come back. Last week I couldn't stand on tip toes - this morning I could do it for a minute! I walked to work and used the stairs for most of the day. Ice and Aleve will be my friends tonight.

Diet today is an egg white/turkey sausage flat bread form D&D
COFFEE
Nature Valley Granola bar
Crystal Lite
1 8" flour tortilla with 1/4 cup shredded cheese.
1 med Gala apple...

I totally need some veggies for dinner... I totally do not feel like cooking (or doing laundry, or picking up after my kids...) I know we'll go to the Mall, walk around in the A/C and make a healthy selection for dinner....

TOMORROW: Miss Agnes comes to live with us... My life will not be the same!!!

Is this any better....???

2010-08-03T19:46:00.002-04:00

What I ate today....
Same cinnabon pancakes I had yesterday, I can't butter lite and jam
Skim milk
COFFEE and NO SNACK... I forgot my grapes:(
pepperidge farm fiber bread (40 cals x 2), turkey, cheese x 2 and mustard...
apple, grapes, 4 cherry tomatos
Subway - 6" turkey, cheese, veggies, oil/vinegar, wheat bread, baked lays... + a few of DD's vinegar chips
Diet coke
juice box - water....

Things I ate today...

2010-08-02T21:00:00.002-04:00

Just for kicks...
3 Cinnabon pancakes, with I cant believe it's not butter -lite, 2 tsp of jam and 1 c skim
1 fiber one bar
COFFEE - Black, lots
Pepperidge Farm double fiber light bread (40 cal) x 2 with turkey, american cheese and mustard
Cheese x 5 slices through out the afternoon ....
1/3 Mystic Pizza (frozen variety)
5 smallish, swedish, Apple Oat Crisps with 1 c skim milk
Lots of Crystal lite Peach Iced Tea

Assessment - WHERE ARE THE VEGETABLES? Where are the fruits? Carbs.... TONS ...
Hmmmmmm.

Back to work...

2010-08-02T08:19:00.002-04:00

Vacation over....

I am back to work and back on track with diet and (mild) exercise. I had to cancel PT this morning because of the no babysitter thing, but Wednesday I'll be back at it.

I think I did a little too much yesterday - impact is not a good thing right now. SO this morning it was Aleve and a committment to slow, deliberate steps and good form on the stairs (it is SO hard).

Of course I immediately ate frozen Cinnabon pancakes this morning... 3 with lite butter and a few teaspoons of jam. I washed it down with skim milk and black coffee. I have no idea why - other than the fact that I didn't feel like healthy yogurt... I just don't get it... The day is not over - I have an opportunity to redeem myself at lunch, dinner and with snack choicess. Maybe we'll go berry picking...

Puppy comes in 3 days! Ugh!! I am starting to get cold feet... It's been a lot less work and worry without a dog... but then it's been eeriely quiet and empty without a dog. I've never had a puppy before and the idea of it peeing everywhere and chewing everything is a bit overwhelming... My kids are excited... We're still getting a dog.

Feeling FAT...

2010-08-01T07:43:00.002-04:00

Healing ... S L O W L Y.....

We just returned from vacation yesterday. It was a decent week. I can't say that it was the best time ever, but I did read 2 good books, it was fun to watch my nephews play with my girls, and the weather could not have been better.

My leg is tired, but it is feeling stronger. Impact is a different story. I have PT tomorrow a.m. (if I can get my mom to watch the kids) and I am hoping to be able to really walk and / or ride my bike this week. I am volunteering for PanMass this weekend at a water stop and have lined up events for the next three weeks so I have to be BETTER and geared up to be BUSY...

The lack of exercise has made me feel yucky.... fat and irritable. I hope to continue my commitment to healthy eating for the rest of the summer and into fall. I need to lose what I've gained over the last 5 weeks and hopefully move into new territory. It will be easier when the kids go back to school... I am honestly counting the days...

I've got some major things to do this fall for ME... My marriage needs a MAJOR overhaul, my body needs a good diet/exercise program and we'll have a new puppy this Thursday... Work will become more routine and if I can get a hold of my finances; I will hire a cleaning lady so that I don't have to spend all of my time outside of work doing household chores..... I need to stop being a martyr. I need to get MY HEAD together. Counseling individually and for my marriage is a MUST. I can't put it off any longer. I am angry all of the time and it's not good for my kids to see (or have to bare the effects of...). I need to be OK saying NO. I need to ask for help. I need to speak up and stop holding it all in.... but I need to do it in such a way that it is constructive for everyone. I want things to be better....

Day 20....I am so sick of this

2010-07-09T15:42:00.002-04:00

TOMORROW I AM SWIMMING... no matter what... I've been so scared of slipping on the pool deck and walking through uneven terrain (like sand) can really be painful so forget the lake. I had the best of intentions and chickened out last minute... AND now, I am in such a need of a workout, any kind of workout... swimming is it for now and I'm doing it! 7 am the pool opens...

At least I am done with crutches. My foot feels weak, the break area is sore and by the end of the day just aches, but it's a little better every day... and hopefully my beautiful, stinky boot will be gone by the 19th...

I am mad and sad and don't have a lot of patience with the kids or my DH. I want summer to really be over now. Done with the leg, the camps, the lack of any ME time...

Day 13...

2010-07-02T07:03:00.002-04:00

Feeling frustrated... I am tired of being inconvenienced and even more tired of inconveniencing others... The Ortho told me I could drive after a week, yet the pain and weakness I felt made that an impossibility and after I finally just gave into the pain and drove yesterday, my calf and the break area itself are just aching to the point where it was hard to sleep last night.

The ortho told me I could swim when I felt ready to do so... In my mind I am ready, is my leg? Probably not... If I just DO IT will I hurt it... FRUSTRATING.... I have no patience. I am sick of sitting. My house is messy again, laundry is piling up, my kids have things they want to do and my DH hmmmml... It's all about HIM, and work is always a convenient excuse for being anyplace but here, helping out.

AND SO... I will do my best to move forward, heal as fast as my body will let me and NOT re-injure, or God forbid hurt something else (and with the crutches and the giant boot I am most concerned for my back! ) I am going to get on the scale this weekend and focus for now on my diet. I've been getting groceries delivered for the last few weeks and I have to say that it is really a great way to stay on track, buy what I need and not what I impulsively grab during an actual trip to the store...

I will go to the pool tomorrow a.m. and see how I feel. I dont have to kick, I can just pull a few laps and move up from there. I may be swimming for SheRox (there are a lot of Mentees still nervous about the water) and my sister has introduced the idea of a relay for the OLY I am registered for in August... This is called making the best of a unfortunate situation.

Broken - Day 5

2010-06-23T08:56:00.002-04:00

Healing on the outside, but the inside is still trying to figure out why this happened and how it's all going to play out. My kids are home and my siblings, rather than sending flowers, have sent their cleaning woman. I feel weird sitting here while someone else mops my dirt, but I also have to admit that it will be SO nice to have a CLEAN house. Of course the kids will trash it as soon as I leave for work, but maybe, just maybe they won't and I'll be able to sit tonight and soak in all the cleanliness...

My mom is going above and beyond and taking me to work, picking me up and helping with laundry and other stuff... I am sure she would like her life back. So many people have told me how lucky it is that she's retiring at the end of the month. I am sure she didn't do it to be my sherpa.

So where is my DH? He is NOT a helper. In fact if there's an emergency you can rest assured that he is as far away from the event as possible (in mind and spirit). He has not gone out of his way to do ANYTHING for me. He's slept late, stayed late at work so he can get his work outs in, gone fishing within minutes of getting home... I've had to ask him to take the folded laundry upstairs, after he's stepped over the basket 10x... He hasn't brought me dinner or flowers or asked me if I needed anything. It is not unexpected, but it still hurts and is super disappointing. I just don't understand how he reconciles this in his mind... How can he even relate to his coworkers why he's doing his usual thing and his wife's at home with the kids and still doing it all... and more?

I really can't wait to get myself back to normal. I had such plans for this summer, and now in a blink of an eye....

Suck Suck Suck a roo

2010-06-20T20:41:00.002-04:00

Season OVER or at least I think it is.

I'll know more when I speak to the orthopedist tomorrow morning...

and get the cast put on my BROKEN LEG....

I can not even believe it! I biked 18+ miles, swam another mile and was well into cleaning my super gross house when I slipped with a load of laundry on the stairs and ... UGH

I don't want to get fat, I want to heal fast, and I have NO idea how I am going to deal with WORK and KIDS and the fact that it's my right leg and I probably wont be able to drive. Add to that a husband who is terribly inconvenienced by the prospect of having to do a little bit more than nothing and we've got a great summer of fun ahead of us...

Insult meet injury...

I know why I am bitchy

2010-06-15T15:46:00.003-04:00

My kids are driving me crazy and schools not even out yet!

My mood is becoming even more foul. I could really use some yoga and a little zen time.

Training is going to amping up VERY SOON. I have to run TODAY. I have noone to watch my kids so I can either make them come to the track, leave them alone at the house or bag it for the day... I hate all of my choices. I just want a little freedom to put on my shoes and go.

I really need to cut myself some slack. What should I expect after a day long field trip on a school bus with a bunch of first graders.... CALGON??!!!

Still Getting Back in it...

2010-05-31T13:24:00.003-04:00

A weekend away and the food goes out the door. Too many ribs, too few veggies, donuts (yes, donuts) and a case of the F@$#-its... I have SO many things to think about and stress about... Summer is fast approaching and I don't have a great plan for my kids. I need to step up my workouts, think about swim classes that I've committed to teaching and UGH!!! My only "day off" this week is committed to an all day volunteer challenge at my daughter's middle school. I really need to start saying NO... Calgon?! Anybody?!

The day is half gone... I am SO not ready for this week....

Get Your Act Together Week

2010-05-28T06:36:00.000-04:00

Starts now...

On again, off again...

2010-05-17T16:55:00.002-04:00

I went for my 6 month follow up for my study. I weighed 183.4 which is a good thing because it means that for all of my on again, off again antics, I have managed to stay about the same; maintaining most of my losses. If I could only get it started again... I have been trying a new "tapit" weight loss ap for the i-phone. It's not as intuitive as 'lose it', but I feel like I have to give it a fair shake before I toss it. Plus I had to pay for it... shouldn't it be better than the free ap?

As for workouts, my Saturdays are AWESOME. I have been really pushing myself and making the most out of the whole group dynamic. We do need to step it up a little by riding a little further and running a little harder.

If I could reach the point where I feel like I am in a groove - get my work-homelife balance in order I would be in a much better spot. Something tells me though that I am better off with the tighter schedule. It makes it much harder to procrastinate.

One cup of Mojo, please....

2010-05-07T07:52:00.002-04:00

Feeling SO -yuck... I had a great Saturday workout last week and have another scheduled for tomorrow. I should be doing something today... In fact, I shouldhave swam yesterday, but I didn't and I have no excuse.... or do I ...

My poor dog died 2 weeks ago... hard to believe it's that long... I am missing her terribly, my house is SO empty. I know that we'll get another dog someday, but it won't be Daisy and she was perfect.
I know I am sad, but am I depressed?

I dont' want to be. I don't want to sink into that FAT SLUG land of just not caring, but I haven't been caring... I need to care. I stopped going to my study. I was so unimpressed with the staff and I just didn't feel like it was a good fit for me. I went to the weekly classes to weigh in -- kind of like WW, but the content wasn't helpful. I always felt that I knew more than the others there, and in fact the group leaders would look to me more than I would have liked to confirm what they were saying about exercise or nutrition. I know how to eat healthy, I know all about exercise... What I need to know is why I eat too much. I want to know what it is about food... and my mood and my weight. Why can't I treat food as fuel? Why can't I stop eating when I know the consequences?

I know there are no magic bullets. I know it is hard work. I know HOW to succeed... It's just a matter of just DOING it... right? And so it goes...

Next week I will have my 6 month review... I would like to at least show an overall loss and that means I'll have to get on the scale to see how much damage I've done in the last 3 weeks, so I know how hard I have to work... Tomorrow morning I will weigh in. Hopefully it will be my DAY 1 of back on the wagon...

SUPER SLUG

2010-04-23T18:00:00.002-04:00

I went away on my girls weekend and that sequed into April vacation... I worked lots, walked a little and did pretty much nothing on the training front... OH and I had my birthday, and cake and ate pretty much what I wanted. THAT IS NO WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT. SO tomorrow it is back to reality. I am working out with my sisters. I am going to begin anew with LOSE IT on my I-touch and log every bite. I haven't gained weight, but the losses have stagnated and I am right where I was last year... I need to push beyond and feel what it's like to be less... I KNOW I WILL LIKE IT MUCH BETTER.

No class, no weigh...

2010-03-31T18:09:00.002-04:00

I am just not feeling it today. I did not follow my pre-weigh in regimine. I have not been on the scale since last week. I don't think I've gained, but I did eat Doritos and a donut. I am not sure that I really wanted to...

Work is busy and full. My days are a blur. I would love to get off the Merry-Go-Round for just a minute to catch my breath, but life is not like that. I want to finish my laundry and clean my room. I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks. I don't know how to balance my life...

DH is NO HELP. I asked him once how his life had changed --- or if his life has changed since I started working 28 hours a week... He looked at me like he had no idea what I was asking him or where I was going with this line of questioning... CLUELESS

I will swim tomorrow. I will run Friday and I will get back on the scale. Today I just needed a little bit of hooky...

And it continues...

2010-03-29T15:15:00.002-04:00

I got a new job. More hours and no child care... yet. If I am not at work, I am shuffling kids. I don't know when I am suppose to clean my house or grocery shop. I've been told it will take a while to get used to... I've been told I need to get a cleaning lady... Hmmmm...

I am making it to my weight loss study group religiously and I've been pretty consistently losing 1/2 to a pound a week. My weight is officially 184.0 . It's not fast, but as long as I am headed in the right direction, I'm fine with it. At this rate, I could be close to goal by September?

I am still trying to figure out when and how to train for Triathlon season. The woman I guard for has offered to train me for my August Oly. It seemed pretty casual at first, but then I got her e-mail, a 5 page history form followed by a link to her training sight to log my workouts... I guess I have to do some! Actually I have... I've swam 1x week for the last weeks, ran 2x and taken spin class 2x. I have also walked 2.5 miles 5x week for the last 5.

No, I won't make an Oly doing so little, but it's a start... right?

Some sort of streak...

2010-03-04T19:44:00.002-05:00

187.0 was my weight. Not stellar, but a loss of .7 and I will take it!

SO to meet my challenge deadline (10 lbs by Spring) I need to lose 5.2 more lbs.... totally doable. The next goal is 176.6 (7% set by the study I am involved in). If I can just get into a groove and stay there... My goal for the week is to make it 3 weeks in a row with a loss... I MUST KEEP THE STREAK ALIVE...

I also have to start swimming again soon! I need to build up endurance again before the swim clinics begin in May. I have time, but it will go by in a minute if I don't get serious SOON. I have spin class tomorrow followed by PAINTING all day. I need to finish this kitchen painting project... I have no time to do anything else until my house is back together and clean...

Weigh in tonight...

2010-03-03T12:36:00.002-05:00

I honestly don't know what the scale will say tonight. I have not been journaling, but I have been eating right, not over doing it and walking 2.5 miles every day. Not good enough for tri-training, but perhaps good enough for a few pound loss??? I know it's stupid, but I usually don't eat a thing after breakfast on days I weigh in (7 p.m. tonight). I try and just have a yogurt or granola bar before bed since I don't get home until 9 p.m. I've been calling it my FAST day... Oh and by the way I am STARVING!!! I think its good for my psyche though to make it all the way through. It makes me feel in control and it definately motivates. (I think it must be some sort of eating disorder... whatever...)

My focus right now is LOSING and not fitness. That will need to change VERY soon for many reasons. The most important one is TRIATHLON. I have committed to 2 so far and one is Olympic distance. The other is SHERox (formerly Danskin). The first isn't until the end of July, but in the meantime, I have signed on to be the open water guard at Tri-training swim clinics which start in May. I MUST get into the pool and swim. I MUST strength train so my shoulder holds up... It's always helpful to be in shape if you need to save someone...

Good News!

2010-02-26T10:22:00.003-05:00

I guess I wasn't as *off* as I thought... 187.7

I am down 4lbs (the 2 I gained last week, plus 2 more).

Total loss to date: 7.1 lbs
Pounds to go for goal #1: 11.1 lbs (176.6)
Pounds to go for SPRING: 5.9 lbs

If all goes according to MY plan, I will be able to run in the mornings before work (there will be NO MORE SNOW!!). Friday I will SPIN and that should help me start moving toward real Tri training by the time Spring rolls around (for real). Stay tuned...

Still not with the program...

2010-02-24T14:08:00.003-05:00

Hoping that tonights meeting will inspire. Hoping that the scale won't punish me for not going to the gym last week. School vacation week, hired at a new job, car issues, and other assorted EXCUSES.... Not all stressed-out busy people are fat - right? How can I use something other than food to make myself calm down? It is the one issue - if solved - that can help me reach my goals. Hard work is OK, it is the uncontrolable urges to shove food into my mouth that I need help with...ugh.

This week I started my new job. It has caused me to shift some of my duties and that is good. I've been getting up at 5:00 am and walking the dog with my neighbor. I do laundry and get the kids school stuff together and shower before I have to wake my oldest daughter at 6:30 am. I have to do more than just walk the dog and it will take a few weeks to figure out how to fit exercise into my new life. 28 hours of committed work time is a lot --- I haven't worked more than 10 a week for the last 10 years!!!

Can someone please kick my butt!

2010-02-16T08:42:00.003-05:00

Between the snow days, job interviews, valentine's day chocolate, and... hmmm let me think if there are any more excuses... nope - can't think of any more...

I have been *BLAH* about the gym for the last week, lax about journalling and stuck in a rutt of eating more than I need to ... and cookies too! UGH!

I want to beat myself up - what good would it do? I want to DO something?! I've run through everything --- Am I depressed? No, not really. Do I feel stressed? Perhaps a little about the job situation and the fact that we had to buy a new car this weekend... Maybe that is it. Maybe I need to just recognize it and not stop exercising. I have to realize at some point that exercise is what really makes me feel better. AND if I am feeling better, maybe - just maybe - I'll eat better too!!!

2010-02-02T09:13:00.002-05:00

Weight loss is slow.... pokey slow... This morning it was 191.5. Hmmph! Something just needs to click with me. I can make it all day, eat healthy and then 4 o'clock rolls around and I turn stupid or something.... I really need to get a handle on it!

I've been nursing a wicked cold for the last week, so I've taken a few days off from the gym. I've had long walks with the dog so I am not entirely lazy and I've got a can't miss date at SPIN this Friday. Weigh in #4 is tomorrow. SO far it has been 194.8 - 191.5 -192.5 ..... we'll see... What I really need is SPRING.

Where was I?

2010-01-27T08:01:00.002-05:00

Third week of group weight loss meetings meets tonight. I am hovering around the 191 mark? WTF??? I have been following a weight training schedule for 3 weeks and exercising more, though not as consistently due to illness - both mine and the kids. I have the oil man here this morning for furnace maintenance, but as long as he leaves soonI may be able to get to Spin or at least a long walk with the dog.

I've been writing my food / fat in my journal, but was not as consistent as I would like to be, and not staying within my calories. I don't know what has zapped my mojo, but I really don't want to waste this opportunity. I need to step it up. My mood is surprisingly good, if only I could just shut my mouth...

In the meantime, I have one more word to say - SQUATS - lots of them and I can't walk today...

My goal for the week is to stay within my 1330 calorie allowance for 4 of 7 days... Stay tuned.

Accountability...

2010-01-15T10:49:00.002-05:00

The weight loss portion of the study I am involved in began Wednesday night. It was NOT pretty. Since it started at 7:15 p.m., I had the pleasure of weighing in after 3 slices of pizza and 2 mugs of green tea... 194.8 WOW... Haven't seen those numbers in a long time and don't want to ever again.... On the plus side, it could spell a BIG loss next week... We'll see.

My first goal is 7% - so 176.5 pounds.... There is no deadline, but my calories are supposed to live in the range of 1300, fat grams 37 and I should work up to exercising 60 min/5x week.

Day one was a wake up call. I thought I ate well until I added it up - 1750 calories and 45 fat grams.... Today I will do better... For the week, however, I managed to walk the dog every day-2+ miles Mon - Wed and slightly less yesterday and this morning. I did my weights workout three times, elliptical, and a spin class. Exercise is good. I am committed... 2 days in and a lifetime to go...

I LOVE that I will weigh in every week. I LOVE that someone will review my food journal and ask questions. I LOVE that someone will care if I exercise. Accountability is my friend.

So what’s different? What’s new?

2010-01-10T11:36:00.001-05:00

I’ve been to spinning. I had my first real lap swim of the year. I’ve made 3 new recipes – minestrone soup, quiche, and a Moroccan grilled chicken (all good). My weight last Monday was officially 192.4 – the result of eating everything I wanted between Christmas and New Years… I purchase the cycling attachments (cadence counter, mount) for my Garmin and the heart rate monitor strap. The only gadget left is a shoe pod (so it will track distance while running indoors), but I hope to just run outside and save the $99 (GO AWAY SNOW).

My mood is not constantly positive, but I am attempting to recognize certain eating cues and steer myself in a different direction. I am trying much harder to not let the moods of other people affect mine as much. It’s a real struggle. This week is really my first training week of the year. I’ve got a training plan – which coupled with group weight loss sessions for the study I’m involved in – should yield some great results. For the next month: Monday is a core class, followed by a 60 minute spin. Tuesday/Thursday - weight training and a long dog run/walk, Friday run or spin, Saturday is swimming. Sunday is my day of rest. After this first 4 week trial, I will increase my running distance to 5 miles at least once a week, and add a 90 minute spin class. My goal is to ease back into it and not get burned out before my Olympic distance race in August. I want to be strong, feel good and not feel burdened by training.

I can do this.

Happy New Year?!

2009-12-31T14:51:00.002-05:00

No resolutions... just plans.

My sister and I signed up for our second Olympic Distance Triathlon, August 28th. I am still intending on a half marathon as well, but no commitment yet.

I got a Garmin Forerunner for Christmas. I am NOT a techie, but so far -- I think it's something I will use, as I've already finished my first real run in 4 months. Aside from a little huffing and puffing, it was good and I feel like I've crossed back into the land of the exercisers. I even wore my CWX pants. They felt good - held me in nicely- but all the stitching is a little much. I am sure they will look much better when I am 20 lbs less...

I missed my WeightLossStudy session this week. It just was not going to happen once my DH decided he needed to go to work instead of hanging with the kids. I'll be back to regularly scheduled meetings on Monday and the weight loss component *finally* starts January 13. I am SO ready...

Thank God it's Over.

2009-12-28T11:33:00.002-05:00

Christmas is done. The food orgey is officially over. I don't know what possessed me. I did not journal, I did not watch what I ate. I felt awful some nights... BAD... I AM OFFICIALLY DONE. I am so ready to eat good food and get back to the gym. The idea of junk food makes me physically sick!

I go for my Weight loss study therapy session Thursday this week. I think its week 5? I feel like it will be confession of sorts. I will face the scale --- I will see a gain. I will be done gaining *forever*? Weight loss begins officially January 13. For me, it has already started. I am starting to see the value of what I've been doing.... Now it's time to embrace it whole heartedly and get going.

I went for a hike with the dogs this morning before the next bout of snow. 3.04 miles and it was nice - peaceful. I got to try out my new present (a Garmin Forerunner 405). I hardly feel deserving of such a cool tool... but I think I am going to like it...and I hope it will inspire me to set goals (I already did this week) and fulfill them (we'll see - I have 6 days left). I still have to try my CWX pants - and I hope the roads are clear to run tomorrow morning...

For now I am off to work...

Maintaining... 190.6

2009-12-22T07:58:00.003-05:00

Well - at least I am not gaining.... There's something to be said for that, especially with all the junk that has been around the house, and all the committments of the holidays. Just a few days left and I can officially begin anew. My therapist reitterated this week that we are focusing on changing our mindset --- the weight part begins later... I am impatient, but I admit that doing what I am doing is enough for me right now.

I am looking forward to planning my racing season (which will include Olympic Distance and at least one Half Marathon).... Stay tuned and have happy holidays!

191.4 - What do I expect from a weekend away?

2009-12-14T13:37:00.002-05:00

I went to my session this morning knowing that I had gained weight. It's temporary and I'm trying to honest here, in the session, but most of all with myself.

Traveling + Holiday Party = Weight gain even under the best of circumstances.

I am journaling my food this week. I don't have any major events to derail me and I am going to the gym at least 3 times to work out!!! No more excuses!!!

I hate SNOW.

2009-12-08T09:35:00.003-05:00

This morning I was back to 187.5, maybe next week it will say that when I am actually at my session... when it counts!

I just got back from a 2 mile walk in the snow with the dogs and my neighbors. It was cold, but I was sweating when we finished, so I will consider it a good workout. It's amazing how much harder it is to walk in only 3 inches of snow! It was nice, but unfortunately we're supposed to get more snow tomorrow. Have I mentioned that I hate winter?

I am thinking about snow shoes... I've heard it's a good workout and I should just embrace the winter and get over it. Will I use them? I used to ski until I had kids and then I just couldn't picture my life with a broken leg and a baby... I have thought about doing that again as well....

I will try and adjust my attitude. I will pray that school is NOT cancelled!

189.3 ..... hmmmmm....

2009-12-07T15:31:00.002-05:00

Maintaining through a party filled weekend (even though I saw 187.5 Friday morning!!). I need to get my butt to the gym, but some evil gremlins have broken our van twice and sickened me and my children. We're healthy now, but for how long? Tomorrow morning it's up the big hill for a nice dog walk and maybe, just maybe, I'll get to the gym..........

Goals.....

2009-12-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

I have goals this week to accomplish and no time to be sick. This cold is kicking my butt! I am not sleeping at night and feel wrecked for most of the day... How the heck am I supposed to get to the gym?

I guess I'll have to regroup and make some changes. I will journal my food and stay within my calories for the rest of the week. If I feel better, I will spin Saturday, and try again next week. This cold should be gone by then... right?

Week 3 - 189.7

2009-11-30T17:32:00.002-05:00

I know, I know... a gain?!

True. I let the weekend get the best of me and by the time I tried reigning it in, the damage had been done. Maintenance was what I was hoping for, but the .4 gain I'll own. I ate pie. I did not exercise the way I had planned.

This week's session was about deciding what is important to me in my life --- not just weight issues. I had to come up with a list, and what I wanted to do to improve these things. Many of my issues centered on relationships (building or re-building), but as for the health part of my life - exercise is what I need. So in addition to having a lunch date with my DH and researching a knitting club, I have to plan 3 exercise sessions. I can run, spin, do weights - BUT I have to plan and follow through... 3 times....

AND I feel like crap. I have the WORST cold. I took medicine last night and felt completely out of it all day today. I don't know if I slept or if I was just passed out... My plan is to do what my body will let me do --- today that was walk the dog. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Week One - 189.3

2009-11-24T11:50:00.004-05:00

My before shot - 11/16/09 - Weight 193.3

Today my official weigh-in was 189.3 and that is a loss of 4 pounds for the week! I am definately happy with the start.

Today's session focused on letting people help you achieve goals.... I plan to sit down with my kids and DH over the weekend to let them know what I am doing and how they can help me to: chill out (stop yelling), curb my meal-time prep eating, and schedule time for exercise.

Everything is positive and I am looking forward to getting everyone on board. Who knows - maybe the whole family will benefit!

Just doing it...

2009-11-21T07:42:00.002-05:00

So the week was decent. I logged all but one day, and I got out to at least walk the dog. It was a CRAZY busy week and it's almost done. What I have to realize is that no two weeks are the same and even the best schedules, plans and intentions can be derailed. How we choose to deal with these situations is what makes the difference.

Thanksgiving is coming. I don't care. Yes, I really don't care. It's food. It's a day.

My biggest struggle next week will be the kids being home and the lack of any meaningful time to myself. I will pray for patience. I am thankful I decided to start taking meds again. It has definately leveled off my moods and my coping skills are much improved. I feel in control for the first time in a while.

I guess I'll just keep doing what I am doing...

Day 3 - 189.0

2009-11-18T10:46:00.002-05:00

Back in the 180s and I am being SPOT ON with the journalling - both mood and food. My week has been unusually hectic (I'll spare the details), but I am trying to keep it all together. I am feeling more positive about the diet and I guess about life in general.

I wonder if there is a correlation between eating healthy and feeling good....

Sigh.

2009-11-16T13:09:00.002-05:00

Today is the day. I started my weight loss study. I don't have to focus on weight right now, because for the first 8 weeks it will be all about therapy. That said, I am NOT waiting 8 weeks... The scale was a big OUCH...

My start weight is a whopping 193.2 and that is nearly 8 lbs up since August when I hurt my back and took my little exercise hiatus. I have to journal my mood for the study, so I'll be journalling my food as well. I need to get losing again. I need to get moving again. I am really disgusted with myself!

I took some BEFORE photos and I'll post them soon(like, as soon as I can find the cord for the camera!).

I guess I have to have a START --- and this, hopefully, will be the last START I will need to get it right - lose and maintain a healthy lifestyle...

Stress....

2009-11-14T06:08:00.002-05:00

I despise all problems money, and in the spirit of recession we've definately got our share. If all goes well today, our old car will be sold; our newer car will need minimal repairs and life will go on...This is what I am trying to sell.... In my mind, the person buying our car won't show up - the car we're getting in "mint condition" will drop its transmission and something major like the furnace will simeotaneously blow up... I am not sure what causes me the most stress - dreaming about all the ways things could go wrong or mearly the fear I have of not knowing what will happen...