These are my best buds - Miss Agnes turning 10 ; and our newest addition, Miss Maisy, will be one - both dogs with May birthdays. We've nearly made it through the puppy stage - shoes and rugs be damned. They are sweet pals. And here I am, living the dream... right? No, not exactly and I can't seem to pinpoint why I feel so stuck. I'm stressed out, anxious, apathetic and tired all the time; and I'm truly sick of it. I should feel blessed.
My oldest daughter is a sophomore in college, doing her best at being a grown up and I worry about her all the time. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from the trauma of her teen years, because my heart races whenever I see her number pop up. In the last year I've had less than a handful of crying calls - perhaps fewer that any college mom should expect, and yet I still feel that pit in my stomach - reasonable or not.
And we're trying to pay for college without taking out loans and barely paying our bills right now which also stresses me out. This is normal, right?
And my mom is getting older and forgetting about plans we've made or calling me frustrated with a glitch on her phone and not socializing as much as I wish she would. And she's worried about being sick or taking pills or going to a book club which stresses me out further because its not reasonable. I worry and feel guilty because it's hard to be with her too often.
I work every day and feel like a fraud. I have coworkers who are so passionate about what they do, and although I'm proud of some things I've accomplished, I don't FEEL the passion on a daily basis. There are many days I just can't do anything... I waste hours and look forward to taking a day off because I really just want to get off the life carousel.
And this brings me to the feeling of meh. ZERO motivation for months. I keep insisting that I will fake it til I make it and then I use all of my excuses to watch TV and not go to the gym. I've paid for classes and looked for weight loss schemes to keep me accountable even though we have a perfectly good gym membership w/ plenty of classes to get in shape. I've dieted long enough to know what I should eat for weight loss, I don't need to pay WW or anyone else. And it's cold and dark and once I come home from work I'm hungry and have dogs to walk and care for and it's so hard to go back out. And I search for sweets, I search for crap - my diet is awful and a non issue. Since I was sick last May I've gained 20lbs? More? I look terrible, dress terrible, and to be honest, there's not a lot of self care. I'm jealous of my boss - now an exercise guru and 30 lbs lighter, and my sister who's signed on to Crossfit and looking great. Yes, GREEN WITH ENVY. When will it be my turn?
So in an effort to NOT GIVE UP I just signed up for a "FREE" weight loss program with our new insurance. They'll send me a scale that will sync with my phone and provide the services of an online coach. The scale should arrive in 3-5 days (b/c the one I have just isn't good enough?!) and then I'll jump on and face the music AGAIN. It's January after all - Diet time!?! What I do know is that I must do something. This malaise has to break at some point... and if it doesn't I'll have to find some meds... The SAD lamp might help - if I took it out of its case. Yes, I'm grasping for anything...
So is this really a publishable "update"? Really it's just an chance for you to see that status is UNCHANGED like a hamster on a wheel, here I am, going nowhere... still.