O rings true

Who watched Oprah yesterday? I did, and frankly I was impressed with her honesty. I am always torn between being a skeptic as she pimps her friends (aka BobGreene, Susie, Dr. Oz) and trying to get something out of her show. Yesterday I was really touched to the point of tears. I totally connected with what she was saying about putting on a good face during a social event and totally dying inside; wishing to be anywhere else. Looking for clothes that fit vs. looking for clothes that you like. I want to be healthy. I want to feel physically and mentally healthy. It's happened in my life; I remember how good I felt. I want that back.

SO - I am putting myself back on the calendar. It sounds really cliche, but it is true. I take care of everyone else before I consider my needs; and nobody wins. I am bitchy, tired, depressed (no fun) and I don't like it any more than my husband or kids. My fat self is NOT craving food. I don't eat because I am hungry. I do use food as my drug. If I could afford it, I would probably get some counseling. I know I suffer from low-grade depression, but my daughter's medical bills are all we can handle right now (and we have insurance!).

I am journaling my food and fitness. I swam Saturday, ran Friday and Monday and today I am Spinning for the first time in months! I did crunches and planks last night while I watched TV. I also signed up for my gyms BIGGEST LOSER contest, which officially begins the first week of February. Of course I am not waiting until then to start losing again. I think I am retaining water or something b/c the scale says I've gained 3 pounds (189). I DO NOT want to see the 190s again. I am sure what I saw was temporary (monthly) PLEASE. Regardless, I will get back on a schedule of weighing in EVERY day, but only recognizing the monthly losses. I hope 2009 is finally my year.