Full Disclosure... Thursday...

Went to the gym yesterday and ran a FAST 2 miles... the last 1.5 in about 15 minutes...

Went to WW and weighed in at 176.4, a loss of 1.8 and I am now 6.4 from my goal.

I'm happy with the results, but definately looking for more.

Running Saturday morning with my sister - 6.5 on the schedule.

I have a lot of things going through my mind right now... where I want to go professionally and in my home life with my kids... nothing crazy, but I feel like I need a day off to get my head together and a handle on things..

Wanting but not working...

I seriously see myself being successful with losing weight. I can picture the scale, I can see the numbers going down, I can feel myself running faster and feeling like I could go forever. I have been there and I know what it feels like - empowered, invincible...

But how do I balance that desire with constant craving... There are days I have wanted to eat everything... There was a night last week that I had an intense need for sweets... I ate an expired chocolate Kashi bar when I should have just gone to bed. It makes no sense...

Every week I feel the clock is ticking. If I can manage to hold it together for 7 days - I will be rewarded with a good number on the scale... I start off well and then Thursday - over points.... Oh well, you still have five days.. Friday - over points... Oh well you still have 4 days... and so on, and then it is Monday...STOP EATING! Tuesday....Try to not eat at all... Wednesday weigh in... Stay the same or close to it and start all over! It's a crappy cycle and I need to break it somehow. What will it take? Who or what can inspire me? I have events coming up which help, but the closer they come the less I care?

I KNOW that I lost weight this week - I logged my food - was over my daily points lots, but used only weekly points to compensate. I didn't exercise to extreme, but I did get to the gym and I walked a tough neighborhood course twice. I ate out and went to a social event, but aside from sharing a dessert and a half order of fried calamari and indulging in a couple of homemade brownies I was ON PROGRMAM... and actually maybe that IS the program.

You can eat anything you want as long as you do it in moderation and you make allowances (save your points or cut back on other days). I definately cut back Monday and Tuesday (as is usual), but maybe that is how I need to live if I am going to lose... What if that's the answer I am looking for?

Full Disclosure Wednesday

Weight 178.4 , down .8 pounds. I have 8.5 to go for my 10%, and my FEB goal. I felt like crap this morning, but I still walked the dog 3 miles and walked on the treadmill at the gym for 2.4/35 min. I came home and completely flaked on my 3 goals... #1 done, but my kitchen table is covered with papers and I haven't finished anything... I hate when I get like this.

I have basketball tonight, a full day of work tomorrow and maybe -- just maybe I will be able to get something accomplished this weekend...I don't really care about the SUPERBOWL; I am running with my sister Saturday morning and have a meeting at church with my daughter Sunday morning. That's it for commitments --- time for FOCUS.

Four Hours

I have to get my kids off to school and myself to work. I have 4 hours and then I get to do what I want to do for a day...

My Wednesdays are never what I intend them to be. I always schedule too much and then I am overwhelmed and disappointed because they rarely ever go as planned. I've decided to try something different this week and only plan 3 attainable things.

1. Go to the gym and run - get to Weight Watchers
2. TAXES - the feds have my money and I need it back (camps and vacation need to be paid)
3. Change the sheets... I've delayed this one long enough.

I've been keeping up with the cleaning lady. She comes again in one week and I am not yet disgusted with the state of things. That is good for my psyche.

Full Disclosure Wednesday

Weight - 179.2 ... lost a pound! I have 8.8 lbs to go to get to my 10% goal - which is my goal for the winter. By the time I go on my GIRLS WEEKEND I will be in the 160s and at a new low for this chapter of my life...

I ran yesterday - 2 miles in 22:50 and the first mile was in the 13 min. range. I really pushed on the 2nd running between a 6 and 7.5 on the treadmill. I have my running mantra "YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK ARE" and it's true... I know in my heart I am capable of much more than I give on a daily basis... I get that from Biggest Loser. I think that's why God invented trainers... I ran this morning too - not as fast, but did the mileage and felt good about going even when I wasn't in the mood.

I am 45. It still freaks me out to see the number, especially since my birthday is in less than 4 months. I don't know how I feel about getting older; though I think the hardest thing thus far is learning how people see you. In my mind I am 30.

And I still worry about my weight and how I look and I wonder how much longer I have to attain my goals... I mean eventually a 2:30 half marathon or sprint triathlon will be out of my reach because I will be too old. Certainly just doing them will be an accomplishment, but it will have to be a different mindset. I wonder when that will happen.

I feel anxious. Outside of fitness, I need to have something else in my life to shoot for. People call their children their legacy, but I don't see it. My kids are their own people - their mind - their drive - their luck - their actions. I am mom, but aside from loving them and caring for their needs - they will do the work in deciding their fate. I know i am a little 'stuck' right now because they need so much of me, but I really don't mind. I feel like I am on a train delayed - just be patient, read a book and things will move soon enough.

Winter sucks and there's more to life than a diet

Snow is expected to start before dawn with a predicted 5-8 inches before it's all over. Our weekly 6 a.m. run is cancelled. I am a little disappointed but I am not going to let it ruin my weekend. I will go to the gym instead --- something I didn't do much of this week. Heck, I may even swim?!

I stuck my neck out this week at work. I probably won't be making any friends and part of me just doesn't care. I was recently denied a raise on a technicality and I am feeling a little bitter. I took a a few days off and decided that I'm going to do the job I was hired for and stop trying to make it into something it's not. I will not regain my 'professional' status by paying bills for the library. I know I am a decent writer, but it makes no sense to stress over researching and writing grants that I am not being fairly compensated to write. I need to accept that this job is a MOM job, flexible hours, no commute, good benefits and crappy pay... oh well. I will have to be fulfilled elsewhere.

I am going to take a photography class in March. It's not like I have any free money lying around, but I think my life has to become more of a priorty around here and I am worth the $299. I need to move beyond the fact that I NEVER go out during the week. I don't like to impose on my mother, babysitters are too expensive and my DH is just not dependable. He always has a million excuses about why he just can't make it home on time, and I just haven't had the patience to deal with the drama and disappointment. I need to ask my mom.

The course I found is through continuing education and it's a class to fully learn how to use a SLR digital camera. I just got a Canon Rebel in November and haven't really figured it out yet. It's something that I would like to learn (as well as a good photoshop lesson). I think I am pretty artistic, and this could be a good hobby for me. Plus it's just five weeks and not too much to put on my mom, who I am sure would be glad to help me out.

Everything in my life can't always center around losing weight and staying in shape.