Sunday, November 18, 2018

Sunday and the Holiday Stress is Well Underway...

I'm in charge of pies and cranberry sauce; also stuff celery (creamed cheese and olives) a traditional Thanksgiving "must have".

The teen had a mini breakdown this week. It was my first real tear-filled, victim, black and white, depressed, you can't do anything phone call, at work, that immediately filled me with anxiety. It's amazing how the feelings rush back... what can I do, how can I fix, who can I call?.... Be calm, validate, listen, don't offer advice... Much later I reflected on my reactions... I flew into action, almost as if it were a reflex, when all I really needed to do was listen and let her process her feelings. She felt better in just a short time, I did not.

It's still on my mind.

I pick her up Wednesday with her "best friend." I volunteered to drive the friend home (another hour beyond our house) because as few parents as possible should have to be on the road Thanksgiving eve. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I want it to go well, so I'm scheduling events that I shouldn't have to do with a 19 and 16 year old, spending money we don't have. Sigh.

The little one can't wait for her sister to come home. She misses being able to go places. She misses not having any one else to blame things on or a partner to bitch about the mean mean mom.

The little one is still mad because I won't sign her up for a high school trip to the Galapagos - $3900 Really? Not even a thought in my mind that this would EVER happen. I almost thought she was joking when she asked, and I'm still amazed, angry, sad at her reaction to no - indignant, entitled.. What have I done?

AND I'm stressed. The credit cards are higher than I want them to be, the next round of tuition payments starts in less than a month, just in time for Christmas. Oh Christmas... Why is money the first thing that comes to my mind?

My weight was exactly the same as it was the week I started weighing again - 184.5. I need to make some progress this month. I want to weigh less Jan 1 than I do now, than I did last year? I didn't make it to the gym last week. The threat of snow, then the snow... November? Really? For anyone who has read my blog, you know how much I loathe winter...

I'm off to walk the dog around the lake. Temperatures are in the 30's and won't go higher; there's still snow on the ground, and I will embrace it; soak in some vitamin D and enjoy the day.

Friday, November 09, 2018

Finally Friday...

I am SO happy it's finally the end of the week and the start of a 3 day weekend. I'm running with my sister and friends in the morning; keeping my appointment regardless of the weather. It's supposed to be raining,windy and COLD (my least favorite weather) and I'm going.

I'm hoping to spend the weekend switching my clothes over to winter; cleaning the dead stuff out of the garden, and making time to work out and have some fun? We're going to visit Plimoth Plantation Sunday. I've been there once with a gaggle of third graders and I remember how cute the town was... and I never made it back. DH has never been. Sad that people travel from other countries to see all these places that are so close to where we live.

I'm trying to work on my marriage. The girls are independent, on there own most of the time and I need to figure out whether we'll be better together. We'll see.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

I keep weighing the same

185.5 That's what it says this morning... again.

I'm not over eating, but I'm not eating to lose and that has to change. I feel like I need one good week - something empowering to get me on the right track.

Work is busy; and I really want a "mental health" day, but I just can't figure out when or how.

I really want a massage.

I really need a sweaty workout. Spin would be great. Motivation is SO lacking.

I have got to get it together.

And it's now dark at 4:30... It's seriously depressing, and I know what I need to do to be better. I need to enlist help.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Another trip to the Doctor...

I don't have my labs back yet, but I'm pretty sure my numbers are up. It's impossible to sleep more than a few hours at a time; but I feel narcoleptic during the day - SO sleepy! My hair is all over the place - a small mammal appears in the shower every morning- and I'm up 2 pounds to 184.0. Additionally I'm irritable, and though clocks haven't changed yet and we haven't had a hard frost, I feel the SAD sinking in...

So now what? First, I have to reign in the food. I have to get back into weight loss mode. I need to cut out the sugar and the gluten (though to be honest, there's been less gluten). I need to drink water and take vitamin D and  B and Omega-3s. I need to walk longer and exercise. Lately in the mornings, I'm going out 15 minutes early for a quick lap around the block before meeting my neighbor. I want it to  become habit and I really need to run it. AND I'm toying with the idea of changing my work hours so I can go to the gym first thing. I know it is the best option as I'm so easily convinced to blow off the gym in the afternoon. I just need to bring it to my boss...

So my next appointment is November 15. My doctor would like to see my weight lower; especially before we go into the holidays. The plan I left with is to lose (5 lbs?), maintain through the holidays and start losing again after the New Year. It's totally doable I just have to commit to making it happen. For the next four weeks I'm weighing in every day. That should keep me honest.

I've done it before. I've been great at losing and I can be great at it again. I don't want to feel like this!- What I really want to feel is RESTED. I want to SLEEP until I wake up - with no time schedules, no distractions. And it won't happen this weekend - HOMECOMING at my daughter's college (aka Parent's weekend) and then another horse show Sunday for the little one . And so it is...

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Trying a Little Harder to Get a Little Better

I've been more thoughtful about what I put in my mouth. I've also had some donut holes, brownies and cookies in the last week that were not on my plan. I have to get used to the office break room and understand that I'm not obligated to sample everything that makes its way to the common table.

For the most part I'm eating a good breakfast - oatmeal with protein powder, almond milk and a banana; lunch is a cup of soup and dinner is salad/protein and that is it. I'll have a cup of yogurt or kefir, or a granola bar later on, though I have to get over the need for a sweet before bed. I've been working on skipping the kitchen and heading right up to read or watch a show on my IPad. It's almost tea season so that should help with my choices.

I'm still getting used to working a full day. I am tired a lot of the time and it's near impossible to get the mojo together to walk the dog longer than around the block or get to the gym. I need to get into an exercise mode - something that I'll do with regularity. And my fall is crazy - the little one has Field Hockey, horseback riding and driver's ed as well as a life that needs transportation. And I love to watch her games. It's amazing how talented the girls are; and how fast the sport has become since I played in high school. As a sophomore, she's on JV so games don't start until 5 p.m. or later which means I go home after work for an hour and then we're out til after 7; which makes for a very long day. We have horse shows every weekend through the middle of November, so I just try my best to sneak in a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher and pick up groceries whenever I find the time.

Today I ran with my girlfriends as is usual. Last week I walked a lot; but today I felt much stronger for some reason and only stopped 4 times over 5 miles. If only I could keep it up during the week! Back at home I mowed the lawn, cut down the perennials, did laundry and dyed my hair. The DH and I are going to have sushi for dinner - keeping it healthy!

AND we've adopted a new cat. His name depends on who you talk to - the little one calls him PO from Kung Fu Panda; DH calls him Kitty; and I call him Fatty or Circle K because he is a circle; and he is fat - 21 pounds and only 3 years old! But he's sweet; follows me around; sleeps on the bed with the dog... cute.




Saturday, September 15, 2018

Work is Stressful and bad for my Health...

I came up with an idea and put together a first time event at my place of work. I honestly had no idea how many people would show up - we planned for 200 and ended up with twice that many... It was a great relief, and exhausting. No one could imagine how stressful this was... I could tell that my boss was giving me the opportunity to do it all; as well as the budget; but I don't know what her expectation was... Some of the other staff are resentful of my promotion and while not sabotaging my work, didn't do anything to help. In spite of it all the night was a success and I am so thankful it's over. 

For my health, I need to get into a schedule. I need to get back to basics. My doctor's appointment was not great. Seeing numbers back over 7, and my weight up 2 pounds (not nearly as much as I thought) make me realize that my health is what I give to it. I make it happen - the good and the bad. I know what I need to do; I don't need a magic pill, special diet, or anything else. It all comes from within and I know how to get back to a healthy state. 

What I need to learn is how to weather the ups and downs in my mood; how to ride the wave of life's challenges, fluctuating hormones, and even the season of the year (SAD is coming). I know what to eat and not eat. I know how much and I know how important exercise is to my body and mind.

I worked out with the sisters this morning. I then ate a giant sandwich - homemade sourdough, locally made Gouda cheese and probably my last "summer" tomato. The last time I had bread was February in San Francisco... Why now? Other than my friend dropping off a "thank you" loaf of bread; I have no clue what possessed me; and for the record, my stomach feels like its holding a lead brick. I hate this feeling....It's my equivalent of a hangover... Meh. 

And, like with a hangover, I'm full of regret and "never again". 

Maybe this time it will stick. 

Salad is dinner. Back to basics. 


Thursday, September 13, 2018

I'm Still Here...

So much has happened this last month of summer. My oldest went off to college so I lost my driver of younger one who is busy school stuff and horses. I miss my girl and even though she calls every other day - the house is a little emptier. My youngest misses her as well. They've become great friends over the last year; which is something that makes me happy.

I like my job for the most part, but working more than 40 and still trying to figure out how to juggle commitments at work and the basics of grocery shopping and laundry. It is such an adjustment - more than I ever thought it would be.

The DH still hasn't caught on and I about ready for an intervention.

As usual, I am neglecting ME - my exercise, diet and general well being are not where they should be. I need to get it together - set some boundaries, establish routines.

Today I go back to the doctor for thyroid check.

I'm definitely expecting to see a weight gain and I'm pretty sure (judging from my level of exhaustion, mood, and scratchy/sore throat) my TSH levels are high.