Monday, April 15, 2019

Still Here and Still the Same...

Here I am. Still here. 188 pounds - not where I want to be. Running, not running... not much consistency and not much by way of motivation.

I'm trying to figure out what my plan is.

This has been a weird time for me. My oldest is calling less which is good.She is independent and much more confident. I'm SO thrilled for her; she has really put in the work with therapy, self care, and a positive vision for her future. She is thriving.

The younger one is typical teen. She's working hard in school... sometimes. She is running track and pushing herself to be her best.... sometimes. She is driven, has an idea of what she wants to do; and where she wants to go to school... sometimes.

She failed her driving test this weekend - a hard blow to someone used to A's. Lots of tears. And failure is good sometimes. It build resiliency. It helps teens grow - to manage their feelings, know it's temporary, know they can overcome. And for MOM, it's SO HARD. You hate seeing the hurt; you want to fix it.

The DH is slowly coming out of the fog of depression... He had a little bit of a wake up call with his doctor that has compelled him to reassess his drinking and his diet. He's dropped 15 pounds in the last two weeks; though has a lot more to go so I hope he will stick with it. I am helping as I can; though I am done trying to FIX him.

I have so much to fix in me.

Tuesday, February 05, 2019

Where I'm at...

It's February and I am thankful to be through the worst of the winter. The days are getting lighter, longer, and today it will be 60 degrees. Yes, a big tease for winter haters; I'm confident we'll have a lot more snow, cold and yuck ahead. Patience is what I need for the next 6 weeks or so.

We're going to Florida mid March (just the DH and I) and I want to be in a better place than I am right now. I'm having a hard time staying on track - 3 days on, 1 day off - 2 meals on .... you get the picture. I stopped the couch to 10K plan since I didn't want to spend the money on added features and I wanted to track my workouts better - not just run for 30 minutes. Not that I've been killing it; but I've been doing a Galloway method - warm up, run, walk, sprint, run walk until I hit 3 miles. It's helping, though the treadmill makes my knees ache. I want to run outside, but SNOW - COLD... You really can't run when it's 2 degrees (last Saturday morning :(). Florida? Beach? Stay tuned.

Happily, this is the first winter in many years that I haven't been depressed. I am cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to make it through this SADD season unscathed. I'm actually feeling more motivated and ready to take on the challenge of a road race (or three?)

Of course I have to have several good days in a row; RUN more often and more consistently; like today for example.

I'm playing hooky from work. I got my hair cut at 8 a.m. and started organizing tax stuff. My W2s are at work which put off the actual execution of the process, but looking at what I have; I'm feeling OK about where we'll end up... I really need a refund? I hate the uncertainty of this new tax law!

I'm avoiding the scale. I will get on it again soon since I have 8 days until I officially check in with the Endo's nurse - the evil one...."were you expecting this?" her December snark regarding a 5lb weight gain. Although I lost in January, I'm not confident that I'll lose again because I haven't been loss-focused for several days - Superbowl... I need to get over the "holidays-give-you-permission-to-eat-with-abandon" thing...

Can I ever get back into writing on a regular basis? Can I ?

Stay tuned; I have to get on the stick. I want to be OK in shorts (forget the bathing suit)- that gives me a whole 6 weeks.

Monday, January 21, 2019

A Month Into the New Year...

I've been steadily writing and not posting for no good reason. I'll have a few good days and think "this is the week" and then like last week - I had DH's company party, followed by 2 days of eating; even though I weighed in and was down 3 lbs to 184.5; since mid December. This morning I stupidly ate a spoonful of slice and bake cookie dough (comfort food of the little one and her friend) followed by protein oatmeal with blueberries and almond milk. Part two is fine, but eating the cookie dough set the tone... I need to re-frame. I can't let this screw up my whole day.

As for fitness, I finished almost 2 weeks of "Couch to 10K" and then Winter. I have to pick it up this week again;  a few missed workouts should not derail me; I need to re-frame.

Today I'm taking my oldest back to college. It's been a LONG break and I'll be so happy to resume the routine I had last fall. It's so much easier having one kid at home. She's much more independent, lots of friends, and resourceful when it comes to getting rides. It makes it easier for me to work and stay later as needed. Work has suffered this last 6 weeks. I feel like a slacker really distracted with the holidays and I've let some stuff slide.

I want better. Cookie dough be damned!

I've been using MFP again and it's helped some with accounting. I have another appointment at the end of this month - my actual physical and I so wanted to be in the 170's We'll see. if I can get it together.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Black Friday...

Found some deals and did some Christmas shopping. In fact, I think I'm almost done; or at least done with the big presents; and all on line. Yeah.

I ate too much. 

I drank wine; though not as much as I have in past years. 

I don't really like it so much anymore. 

I have things to do tomorrow, although I am psyched to go to the spa in the afternoon. Meeting my sister and taking my kids along. I have a $300 gift card that I'm going to use towards the visit.It's going to be awesome; way over due.

But first, the girls are driving to a far away mall for Black Friday shopping... at midnight.... I'm not a fan. I hate for them to be out -- in the freezing cold --- an hour away --- when I really want to not worry and get a good night's rest. DH is in bed; oblivious; still buzzed from a day with the family. There are times when I just want to tell him to stay home - do what he wants; OR stop acting like going to my sister's house is some sort of punishment. 


And now I have to reel it all in. No more drinking, eating with abandon. No more sweets, junk... No more appetizers - endless chips or crackers or NUTS!  Wasted calories. Eat meals, real food, no processed crap. 

I have to start losing weight again. I feel like I squandered the fall, and I have no excuses. 

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Sunday and the Holiday Stress is Well Underway...

I'm in charge of pies and cranberry sauce; also stuff celery (creamed cheese and olives) a traditional Thanksgiving "must have".

The teen had a mini breakdown this week. It was my first real tear-filled, victim, black and white, depressed, you can't do anything phone call, at work, that immediately filled me with anxiety. It's amazing how the feelings rush back... what can I do, how can I fix, who can I call?.... Be calm, validate, listen, don't offer advice... Much later I reflected on my reactions... I flew into action, almost as if it were a reflex, when all I really needed to do was listen and let her process her feelings. She felt better in just a short time, I did not.

It's still on my mind.

I pick her up Wednesday with her "best friend." I volunteered to drive the friend home (another hour beyond our house) because as few parents as possible should have to be on the road Thanksgiving eve. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I want it to go well, so I'm scheduling events that I shouldn't have to do with a 19 and 16 year old, spending money we don't have. Sigh.

The little one can't wait for her sister to come home. She misses being able to go places. She misses not having any one else to blame things on or a partner to bitch about the mean mean mom.

The little one is still mad because I won't sign her up for a high school trip to the Galapagos - $3900 Really? Not even a thought in my mind that this would EVER happen. I almost thought she was joking when she asked, and I'm still amazed, angry, sad at her reaction to no - indignant, entitled.. What have I done?

AND I'm stressed. The credit cards are higher than I want them to be, the next round of tuition payments starts in less than a month, just in time for Christmas. Oh Christmas... Why is money the first thing that comes to my mind?

My weight was exactly the same as it was the week I started weighing again - 184.5. I need to make some progress this month. I want to weigh less Jan 1 than I do now, than I did last year? I didn't make it to the gym last week. The threat of snow, then the snow... November? Really? For anyone who has read my blog, you know how much I loathe winter...

I'm off to walk the dog around the lake. Temperatures are in the 30's and won't go higher; there's still snow on the ground, and I will embrace it; soak in some vitamin D and enjoy the day.

Friday, November 09, 2018

Finally Friday...

I am SO happy it's finally the end of the week and the start of a 3 day weekend. I'm running with my sister and friends in the morning; keeping my appointment regardless of the weather. It's supposed to be raining,windy and COLD (my least favorite weather) and I'm going.

I'm hoping to spend the weekend switching my clothes over to winter; cleaning the dead stuff out of the garden, and making time to work out and have some fun? We're going to visit Plimoth Plantation Sunday. I've been there once with a gaggle of third graders and I remember how cute the town was... and I never made it back. DH has never been. Sad that people travel from other countries to see all these places that are so close to where we live.

I'm trying to work on my marriage. The girls are independent, on there own most of the time and I need to figure out whether we'll be better together. We'll see.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

I keep weighing the same

185.5 That's what it says this morning... again.

I'm not over eating, but I'm not eating to lose and that has to change. I feel like I need one good week - something empowering to get me on the right track.

Work is busy; and I really want a "mental health" day, but I just can't figure out when or how.

I really want a massage.

I really need a sweaty workout. Spin would be great. Motivation is SO lacking.

I have got to get it together.

And it's now dark at 4:30... It's seriously depressing, and I know what I need to do to be better. I need to enlist help.