Monday, July 24, 2017

Back from the Beach

I cancelled my annual physical today. I don’t want to know my weight, and I don’t want to see my doctor who is a little judgey or maybe that’s just me… I’m still feeling fat and slightly out of control with food and I know there’s no magic bullet. I need help, but can’t bear to hear another lecture on the merits of a low fat diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables. I don’t need commentary on the health benefits of regular exercise and I don’t need “the look” of “you are too big for me to believe that you ever exercise”   Yes, I know… there are many voices in my head and they are not nice. Yes, I know my doctor probably assumes nothing… *sigh*

Vacation was fine. I ate what I wanted and drank more than I usually do. Homemade peanut butter cookies; cereal, vodka…. I did not exercise as I intended. Much of the time I went with the flow, played Julie McCoy for my daughter and her friend, or hung out with my sister, mother and nephews. There were times I would have rather been home; it was really hot and one day on the beach was enough; walking and hiking were not always pleasant options. It wasn’t WOW, but it was nice to be away.

I ended up leaving a day early. My neighbor called when my dog developed a hot spot and she wasn’t sure what to do. Treating hot spots is a “process” with a doodle and can quickly get out of hand. I made it home by noon; leaving the DH, and the rest of the clan. They were fine without me and I had 24 hours to myself with the dog – who thankfully was fine - and the cats – they missed me lots!

And work missed me too; the fun never stops… meh.

I’m anxious for no good reason. I am restless. I want to do something and I’m stuck doing nothing. The little one leaves for camp Sunday and I’ll have no responsibilities outside of the animals and myself.  I don’t want to waste the days. I’m thinking about WW again… I’m thinking about taking a Beginner Yoga / Meditation series… THINKING… and that’s not DOING.  I’m scheduled to visit a friend, but I’m not sure if I’m up for the drive alone. The DH finishes his job on the 12th and starts the new on 8/14 and doesn’t want to go with me. Still mulling…


I’ll give it a few days and see if I can’t bust out of this post-vacation funk… 

Friday, July 14, 2017

Pre-Vacation STRESS...

Why would I let spilled coffee ruin my morning? This spot on my shirt just irritates me but I'm pretty sure it's just leaving on vacation tomorrow; I'm feeling out of sorts; my mood sucks...

This week was crazy busy and I haven't made time to exercise other than walking the dog and that doesn't count. I've worked lots, had meetings, drove the little one, my mom and my sister to lessons appointments, interviews and made a daylong visit to see the teen at camp yesterday. Seven hours of driving was a little more than exhausting and we'll be back in the car tomorrow for the two hour trip to the beach. The idea of relaxation sounds heavenly, but I've got a ways to go... Nothing is packed, nothing is made. We're going with my sister and her family and she is TYPE A; already planned meals; ordered food and ready to jump in the car tomorrow.... I feel I'm quite the opposite and pressured to measure up and make an equal contribution.

Breathe.

The DH has a job offer, though nothing yet in writing. I'd really like to leave tomorrow knowing...I am VERY thankful that the layoff was less than 2 weeks and we can seamlessly transfer to a new position, once we figure out the insurance.

And I need to focus on what I can do; and what is in my control. Packing, making food, getting the animals situated for the neighbors caring for them.

I'm feeling REALLY FAT this week. That's not at all positive or kind, but it is how I feel. I'm so sick of my clothes not fitting - or trying to buy new ones that don't even look presentable. Notice how I don't write "look good" because nothing looks good when your 50 lbs overweight. Meh. I haven't been on the scale. I log food sometimes. I want to be better. I haven't been eating too much too often, but I have to cut back. PERIOD. I just feel like I moving along, nothing deliberate, planned, intentional... AND I can do better... And I'm in a bad mood...


Friday, July 07, 2017

Moving Along

Overate at our July 4 celebration. The culprit - oatmeal cookies my mom brought. I also had pita chips and cheese... It was a fun time and I'm not going to beat myself up. I moved on to yesterday where I made sure to hit my steps, but also ate too much... The culprit - corn bread, grocery store bakery... It's a weakness and I stupidly went food shopping while hungry, which is never a good idea.

I'm trying not to eat too much today. I'll log it all in MFP. I'll get my steps. Honestly, I've been really tired this week. I make myself get up and walk with my neighbor, but man is it a struggle; and more so than usual. I haven't had any desire to exercise at all... I made it a whole full week of HIIT training and fell off the wagon. Again, I'm tired. I wonder if it has to do with the whole job situation? I think it probably does. I am trying not to ruminate; trying to remain positive; and yet I have this nagging feeling inside. The DH has a few prospects and confided last night that if he doesn't get an offer from one of them, he'll  really be destroyed. Those were his words. It makes me worry, and hope and... yeah, I guess that's why I'm so tired.

On the bright side, the kids are both good. The teen is happy at camp and the little one is keeping very busy; babysitting lots, riding, hanging with friends... typical summer stuff. She's going to camp at the end of the month for 2 weeks (she'll be with her sister) and that's when DH and I are planning a trip to Bar Harbor / Acadia to bike and hang out with friends. Of course, I could be flying solo again if the job situation changes...

For now, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing... walking the dog, *trying* to exercise and eating good food while focusing on portions... Summer is never a good time for me to lose weight. Life's too unstructured; and my mind is not focused. It bothers me somewhat, but I have to keep telling myself that it's all part of the journey....


Friday, June 30, 2017

Steady...

We had some REALLY bad news this week and I did my best to digest it emotionally without resorting to food. In fact, I think the news was so bad that I actually didn't want to eat... The DH will be laid off on September 1. His company missed earnings so they fix things by axing staff that work.... He knew things weren't good, but he didn't think he would be the one let go... SO NOW WHAT? I guess the *one* good thing is that we have 12 weeks; and I hope it will be enough time.

He's been calling friends and former co-workers, updating his LinkedIn profile and resume and hitting all the sights... He has an interview on July 10th, but it's a long shot... I feel the clock ticking. It will be September in a blink. I know financially we can limp along for a while, but my main concern is insurance. Will my daughter's doctors accept whatever new plan we have to take on???? Continuity of care for someone with a mental illness is paramount.... ugh.

For now the teen is at camp and doing great. She doesn't need to get worked up about dad's job so we'll just keep this news to ourselves... Hopefully he'll find something soon and she'll never know the angst of this week in our family. I know I vent ALOT; but I'm thankful that DH is one of the smartest people I know and he's pulling out all the stops... including what I hope is a BIG wake up to lose weight and shape up. First impressions can make all the difference.

This morning I am 190.5 I hope I can make it back into the 180s soon... and more.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The Laid Back Approach

191.5 this morning. I guess I'm still maintaining....... meh. I had a good day yesterday. I'm going to shoot for 2 today.

The DH is making me a little crazier than normal this week. Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive with my teen gone. I'll try a little harder; breathe a little deeper.

I need to take a class. I want to be busy, but in a good way. I'm thinking gentle yoga. I don't want it to be hard. I want to ease into wanting more - not dreading what's next or watching the clock.

I've switched up my shopping - going every day - making sure there's fruit and veggies; making sure to buy only what we need for dinner, and breakfast and lunch the next day. This way we're only eating what we want; there's no rotting food in the crisper. Let's see if it has an affect on my weight. I'm trying not to obsess, just going through the motions of what has once worked.

Time will tell.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Fresh Week

I'm feeling restless. I didn't exercise like I wanted to this past weekend and although I was busy, there are no excuses for not going for a run. I also ate good food; just too much... again. And today is Monday so I get to start over with a clean slate and the best of intentions. I will eat in control, small portions, not after 6 p.m. I will intentionally exercise a minimum of 3 times which will not include walking the dogs - something I  just do because I like the dogs!

We're sitting for our neighbor's lab this week. She's my dog's best pal - so sweet together - and it's pretty easy; except for morning walks where it's me with 2 dogs versus a lot of dumb rabbits... My poor shoulders!!!

It's going to be a weird first week with my older daughter at camp. My youngest already mentioned how much she misses her... "Who will drive me places?" "We just started liking each other..." Sweet, huh? We're already making plans to visit her on her days off; planning a hike in the White Mountains... one of the Presidential's other than Mt. Washington perhaps...It's a 6 hour round trip, but totally doable and a great way to spend a summer day.

For now we'll have to adapt to the quietness...

The DH is interviewing this morning for a new job, which could totally alter our summer plans if he has to jump right in to ramp up, and can't take time off... We'll wait for the offer, but it's giving me something to think about...

I WILL NOT WASTE A DAY OF SUMMER... It goes by too fast!!!

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Weigh in Thursday...

190.7 was this morning's official weight, and I'm working on 4 straight days of consistency. I'm having a protein shake for breakfast; coffee; salad for lunch and dinner if I'm hungry or I've been grazing until I hit my daily limits, which isn't such a good habit. Baby steps...

I've felt pretty energetic this week and tackled a few projects including helping my mom clear her backyard of brush and planting her flowers...

The ticks are really horrible this year. I ended up picking several off my clothes and found one embedded in my leg last night  - yuck.

School officially ended yesterday and the girls seemed to disappear... One went to the beach overnight and the little one slept at her friends and is spending the day at the barn. The DH came home late last night so I was all by myself. The teen leaves for camp Saturday morning and she'll be gone until mid-August. I'm already starting to miss her. The little one is much more of a teenager this year, so I'm going to have to find more things to do to occupy my time. I will not eat my way through the summer.