Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Vacation Mode...

Yesterday I went to a strength/cardio class at the new gym. It was both painful (in a good way) and eye-opening. When you workout on your own or at your own pace, you forget what it's like to truly be challenged; to get your heart rate way up and your mind to the point where you want to stop, but you don't, because - well, people.... I am not a Step or Zumba kind of person. I have NO coordination whatsoever. Looking in the mirror and trying to figure out left, right, hop, step, arms over head, is NOT typically my thing. In fact, it's far out of my comfort zone, but the class had only a few of those moves, the instructor is funny, so I'll make it back after vacation....

Ah... vacation...

I am a little frazzled with the packing/prepping thing. It's just who I am and I own it. I get super anxious about making sure that everything is done - the house is clean for our return, sheets changed, fridge cleaned out, pet watchers lined up... My friends have told me to "let it go" and just have fun; but it honestly makes me relax, knowing that there is nothing to worry about when we're gone and when we return.

Today I am cleaning and packing. I have hopes to get to yoga... and maybe if I schedule it I will make sure it happens.

I'm working on eating cleaner, but it's not going so great. Someone left boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the break room at work and while I know the choice to eat them is mine, I'd prefer not to have the choice at all... meh.

I'm not going crazy about food over vacation, but I'm not eating with abandon either. I need to make a solid commitment to my health; eating well and in control and exercising regularly. Looking at myself during class was for sure a wake up call. The weight gain is undeniable and I don't like how it makes me look or feel.

Thursday, February 08, 2018


I worked a half day and enjoyed a snow day with the rest of it.

Binged watched "A French Village" and made squash soup for dinner. For exercise I shoveled the driveway which had to be enough since they closed the gym. It was pouring rain when I went out to get ahead of the freeze. Imagine 3 inches of a heavy waterlogged white mess. I was careful to lift with my legs to not screw up my back.

This morning everything is covered in ice and I am Febru'WEARY.

Thankfully in seven days we're off  to San Francisco to escape New England winter for a respite. The average temperatures have been 65 -70; which is close to perfection in my mind.I want it to be a great trip for my family. I've been there a number of times - lived in CA for a few years in the 90s, but it will be a first trip for the girls and I'm excited to show them around.

We're doing all the usual touristy things (Muir Woods, Alcatraz, cable cars, Golden Gate.... ) and the highlight of their trip - a stroll by the "Full House" house so my little one can make a movie. She's been obsessed with the idea since we made the decision to go. We'll rent a car one day to head south to Monterrey, but that's it. No stress right?

DH is still a little off, but at least now I know why... a disagreement with a coworker that hurt his feelings and rather than dealing with it he's been stewing... Now that it's out in the open I hope he'll come to some sort of happy resolution and get excited for vacation.

Tuesday, February 06, 2018

Yes I really need to get it together....

I had a decent eating day and then...

I brought the teen to field hockey, went to get a coffee... and two cookies (because I was having a decent eating day?)

I went to class, came home at nine and... picked up the kitchen for the second time that day while DH watched TV. He went to bed and I waited up for the teen to come home from work...and ate four mini corn muffins (that really is the last of them) and a glass of milk and tortilla chips and salsa?

I'm starting to see my pattern of pent up anger and irritation manifesting itself in a binge of sorts...Those feelings of "I deserve to eat X b/c he's pissed me off" need to be felt and need to be dealt with in a different way or I'll be even bigger...

I don't know what's up with him, but I hope he gets it together before vacation.

I hope I can get it together before vacation.

Monday, February 05, 2018


I'm tired.

The Super Bowl did not end the way I wanted, but I'm not as disappointed as I thought I might be. The neighbors came for happy hour and left when the game started. I cleaned up the entire mess - no exaggeration and sat to watch the game midway through the second period. DH and the teen stayed through the half time show and then it was me and the little one...

I don't know what was going on with DH, but he was a real jerk Sunday... off in his own world; doing his own thing while I prepped for the party that HE insisted we host....

I started reading Designing your Life Saturday.

  • Designers are problem solvers so they are always searching for and defining problems..... 
  • Start where you are.... 

Yes, it is a process to learn and explore. One thing I am going to work on this week is figuring out what problems are actually things I can solve - the author gives the example of gravity. You can't change it, and don't waste your time complaining about it.

Last night I ate to the point of being uncomfortable. Corn bread (now banned from the house), chips, dip, salsa... I don't know why I did it, I knew I felt full and yet... DH pissed me off by not being present or involved in the preparations or clean up and since I did all the work I DESERVED to eat what ever I wanted? Is that it? 

I started my day with a shake (Isogenix, banana, almond milk, ice). It definitely filled me up; and I am bloated from last night. The house is stocked with good for you foods so I really have no excuses for not eating on plan this week. 

And speaking of "plans", I really should get one together... 

Friday, February 02, 2018

Gearing up for a Weekend

I'm a big Patriots fan and very excited for the SUPERBOWL Sunday. DH is not a big football fan, but does like to eat and have people over so we're hosting a pre-game happy hour.

I think it will work if I can manage the schedule and it's a compromise from the all out blow out PARTY DH envisioned last week. The game always runs late; the kids have school in the morning and we have work. Starting Monday with a mess is not a good way to begin the week. I drive DH crazy I know.

The plan is for drinks, eats and laughter. When the game starts people can stay or go, but the party part is over - WE ARE WATCHING THE GAME. My hope is that whoever stays will leave after the half-time show. The invite is out to select neighbors and friends who won't get out of hand. I *think* DH is on board though I'm mentally preparing for issues to pop up...

I signed up for yoga tonight and spin class Sunday morning.  The class is labeled RPM and it's the only RPM on the schedule so I had to try it. I hope it's what I'm looking for...

Food is still a struggle. I'm trying to NOT binge, snack, yeah... I have to figure out a better way.

Thursday, February 01, 2018

I Forced Myself to GO! and other musings.

Well, actually I asked my girls if I could squeeze in a class expecting them to say no, and they didn't... NO excuse. I moved from 'wait list' to 'scheduled' and SPOGA - 45 minute Spin, 45 minute Yoga... My first spin class at the new space was interesting... I love Les Mills RPM - which follows a dependable pattern... warm up, tempo, intervals, hills, recovery, mixed terrain, cool down. Seven songs and done. The class is designed around the music, and always on the beat. When the song is over that segment (hills, intervals) done. I like counting songs and knowing what's next...

The new studio does not have Les Mills... While I liked the instructor as a person, I was unimpressed with the class which was basically 45 minutes of music without transitions and intervals - up for 20 down for 20... hills, speed, meh. When we were sprinting the song had ended and we were never on beat... it was different from what I'm used to and I think I'll try another instructor. The yoga portion was with my FAVORITE teacher and just a perfect way to finish a workout. I used the locker room and showers and it was lovely - great shampoo and body sized towels!

And then I ate too much yesterday. The teen had a college interview at her number 1 school. I am sure that my eating was because of the internal stress I felt for her  - AND I have to find a different way to deal with times like this! It was a day of endless snacks - popcorn, almond butter, a Kodiak protein pancake, yogurt x2, fried pickles (that the girls needed to order at our post interview dinner) dipped in ranch and soft serve on the way home... It was a grazing binge that had nothing to do with hunger!

I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to be kind. I'm going to try to find a way to stop these destructive; intention breaking coping habits.

Some friends and I are going to meet to discuss Designing Your Life  I requested the book at the library and once I'm into it; I'll happily share my thoughts... I'm hopeful it will give me direction, and meeting to discuss with friends will give me some much needed accountability.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018


I'm stressed out. School, kids, work, WINTER, sickness, and our upcoming vacation... I know vacation should be a good thing but I am filled with angst. I know once we are on the plane; once we find our apartment (we're VBRO-ing) I'll be fine. AND it's two weeks away and I already feel this anxious - it's concerning me.. Stressing me out. I hope I'm not getting sick!

I want to get my life back on track and MOJO is nowhere to be found. I'll make halfhearted efforts to eat healthy or not snack or run a little, but nothing seems intentional or consistent. I ran/walked Saturday with the girls, did restorative yoga Sunday and now my week is so crazy I don't know how to put self care on the docket.

I'm not really following a food plan; not logging food in MFP. The diet's all over the place - a shake for breakfast, grazing, dinner or no dinner, snacks no snacks... Definitely no scale, though it's coming soon. I *think* I'm maintaining.

I signed up at the new studio on the urging of my sister so now it's unlimited yoga, spin, small group fitness. Unfortunately this week is so busy I can't do anything and the one class I wanted to try - SPOGA (spin + yoga) - I'm wait listed. SIGH - What a bunch of excuses!

I feel like I'm floating... no direction... no plan for landing....