Wednesday, May 15, 2013

When Life Gives you Lemons...

My daughter has a chronic mental illness. She's was diagnosed 5 years ago and was lucky enough to have a GREAT doctor and find the right combination of medications to keep her symptoms in check. UNTIL NOW.  She is 13 now - and 13 and Jr. High, and mean girls, and mean moms and hormones and puberty and the fact that it's not Christmas every day have taken their toll. Her meds stopped working, her stress increased, the girls got meaner and now she's in the hospital. I thought being admitted would scare her. I thought it would be her AH-HA moment. I thought she would want to do everything in her power to get better and get home. I thought wrong. We are now on day 9 and yesterday she informed her father and I that our rules at home were unreasonable - there was no room for compromise and we were just stressing her out. She told the doctor to "MAKE THEM LEAVE, I NEVER WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN".

I know she is sick. I know this is not her choice, but I still feel like there is something in her that knows what is right, normal and reasonable. I had been so sad and so hurt for her. I had been so worried and hopeful and guilty about her being at the hospital. I know it's where she needs to be - things were real bad, and I know that meds are tricky. I know that her meds are not at a therapeutic level yet, and when she is cycling her moods can change on a dime.

I know all of that and yet I left the hospital mad at her - pissed in fact. I hate what she has done to me and my family. I hate that she has held us hostage. I hate that I wake up in the morning with my teeth clenched. I hate that I still can't get my wedding ring off because she jammed it during an episode and the bruises on my shins still hurt to touch. I hate that her sister misses her a lot. I hate that her father doesn't know what to do except disappear or make sarcastic jokes.

I don't know what to do, because  there is nothing I can do.  I feel pretty helpless about all of this though I will NOT let this bring me to a bad place. I can get depressed if I want to and I choose not to. SO - I will take care of my house chores, go for a walk and try to forgive my daughter for things she can sometimes control.

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