Friday, October 02, 2015

Looking Forward

It's nearly 4 a.m and I'm waiting for DH to get ready and head out to his parents. I know he has been dreading this and looking for every opportunity to not go. He knows what is ahead and I know he'd prefer to just close his eyes and forget what's happened to his family. There is a train wreck up ahead, no slowing down, no way to avoid it, just wait for impact. I really do sympathize with his situation.There is real sickness - his dad is not healthy. His mom's health not great, but her situation made worse by mental illness. His sisters cater to his mother; his dad caters to his mother; and there is not a chance in hell that life will get better, let alone be normal again. They are delusional if they think any different. What they do is pray and hope; but hope is not a plan.

There have to be changes, (sell the house, move to assisted care), but no one including DH will encourage any of that or even bring it up in conversation. Right now he's going to help his dad with what ever he needs, and in his words, "say goodbye, and get the hell out of there!"

This is when I get a little angry. This is when I see the side of my DH that I don't like. Avoid. Evade. Pretend it's all good until you can leave and not have to face reality.

I can't do that any more. I am done with pretending. I want more in life.

I have 5 days to get a jump start on clean eating... again. I need to go back to what worked for me. I need to wrap my head around this issue of mine and get a hold of it before I find myself at square one. I feel FAT today - really FAT. My clothes are uncomfortable. I look sloppy. I feel sloppy. I have to gain consistency. I can't have one or two good days and then fall off the wagon. I have to make permanent changes not let things slip.

I am disturbed by the fact that I ate naan last week and rice last week and last night as well. What is up with that?  I had Pho last Sunday - rice noodles - things I haven't had in 3+ years!  Why the fuck its? I have to figure this out and while I do that I need to keep my mouth shut - stay away from garbage and continue to work out consistently. There are no excuses.

I am never giving up. I want my body back!

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