Thursday, November 03, 2016

Being Honest Helps; Being Determined Works... right?

I went to see The Moth Live  last night with a friend. For those of you who are not NPR junkies, it is an evening of storytelling, book-ended on this night by an amazing cellist. There were 5 presenters with vastly different tales based on the theme "on the brink". It was funny and scary and heartwarming and real. It was just the kind of evening that I've needed.

I came home hungry. I went to bed.

Yesterday I did not go to spin. I'm a little stuck and I don't know why? I like it once I'm there; really I do.... I know I never regret going; I know I love the music; I know it's not going to kill me... and yet.... meh...

Instead I took the dog for a really long walk up a very steep hill and logged 15,989 steps. I want to get my average back over 12K by Saturday night. (GOAL #1).

I'm going to continue to eat whole foods, avoid sugar, and not eat after 6:00 p.m. (GOAL #2).

I will not factor in MFP's exercise calories, but rather stick to a single number range. (GOAL #3).

I want to step up the weight loss in November.

In December I visit my sister in law and her family. I haven't seen them in 2 years. I know I shouldn't care, but I do... She's a big Spartan racer with a full time job, and super mom of 4 girls . I always feel a little "less than" around her. I know it's my hang up she's perfectly nice. If I could just get a smattering of confidence back that typically comes when I get in a weight loss groove, I would feel better (?) I'm certain it's about feeling in control, feeling successful... I have no idea why it all has to do with this vessel I inhabit, but it does... Women and Body Issues - I am a poster child.

And it is about ME; a work in progress. I'm working on being honest with myself and this is only one of many life events I am ruminating on. The daily struggle I face of being in public, feeling judged, continues. The fancy moms with their fancy hair and pretty clothes... I feel either unseen (I actually had a mom I've known for years say that she didn't even recognize me... ) or I'll catch a look from a heavier mom and I think "I bet she's happy I regained all this weight". And I KNOW that it's me. I put words to their expressions; I decide what they're thinking; and my right mind knows that they are probably not thinking about me at all.

That damn inner critic.

And I had to buy size 14 jeans yesterday. I took them off the rack and they looked GINORMOUS... and they fit; and I was really sad about it. (more honesty) And now I'm just determined. I know I can turn this around.

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