Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Expecting a Miracle...

I want to wake up one morning, slide on a pair of jeans and wonder if I mistakenly grabbed my husband's instead of my own... I want to wake up and complain to my teenage daughter about stealing my jeans (she already wears my shoes without asking...) I want to borrow her size 5/6's because mine are in the wash... It's a dream I have - or perhaps a delussion, because I am reminded that there is no quick fix - not ever. This weight has been on my body for the better part of 20 years and I can't expect it to just fall off because I haven't had sugar in a month and half... Not yet.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated, but it's not the kind I have experienced in the past. The frustration when I would "diet" and show a gain on the scale, or have trouble controlling my eating; or when I would exercise like a mad woman and the number on the scale would stay the same . In the past my frustrations would be with ME because I had some failing like not logging my food, or not keeping within my points or by not being honest about exercise and how many points I actually earned. In the past the diet was a process to be tuned or manipulated to fit whatever mood I was in or situation I was faced with. If I had a bad week, I would punish myself - cut my points, not eat my exercise points or eat only certain foods. If I had a good week, I would take a day off - eat what I wanted with a promise to get back on track the next day. It was a game I could never win, and I was constantly frustrated by MY inability to just follow the plan and lose the weight.

Today my frustration is with a lack of real visible progress. I might not see a difference in being 10 pounds lighter, but in the past I could see it on the scale, track it in my attendence book and Weight Watchers would give me a sticker and round of applause. Today it's just me, my clothes, my mood and my mirror.

I know that I ate with abandon before my first hypnosis session, a last hurrah of sorts. I knew that I was probably close to 190 when I first went to see Julie and now my jeans are loose... BUT.... My jeans are not falling off of my body. Noone would consider them "big" for me. Nothing I own is too big yet and that is my frustration. Without a number to hold on to I feel like I have nothing except a track record of not eating any forbidden foods. I am amazed that I haven't had a french fry or a piece of fruit; not a chip or cookie or a maki roll. NO BREAD is the strangest feeling... no bread... but I haven't craved it and have no desire to eat it. That said, I am frustrated that I have accomplished this major feat and I still can't see it.

My sister spoke with my aunt yesterday. She's 4 months ahead of us in her journey and just went back to Julie for a "tune up". What she shared about the session is that she had been snacking when she is only suppose to eat meals, and only when hungry (meaning no set time, but eat and be done). This is what I am doing. I seem to graze when I am home - a yogurt, piece of turkey, glass of milk, cottage cheese, latte, more turkey... I am not paying attention to hunger and I am eating meat only so that I can have what I really want (yogurt, cottage cheese, ...). Today I regroup. Breakfast is done. I wont eat again until lunch - which will be when I am hungry for it and I will plan a dinner (or make a plan for dinner) and be done. Making this change and focusing on lean meats/veggies will hopefully get the fat off... Spring will be here before you know it. I want to be ready.

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