Work is not where I want to be. I am tired and don't feel rested after this weekend. The rain is not helping, but it definitely puts a face on my mood.
My teen causes me stress. I am so worried about her making mistakes that could cause extreme stress - and mood destabilization, hospitals... I am worried about her getting hurt - creeps on the internet kind of thing. I can't keep her in a bubble. I can't monitor her 24/7. Normal kids gripe about rules, mine will obsess about them and do whatever possible to get what she wants - screw rules. For cynical parents who DON'T UNDERSTAND how someone can just "let" their kid do whatever... try walking in my shoes... My daughter has figured out how to go around pretty much every block I put on her, short of canceling our internet service. We block sites, she finds aps to go around them. We set up times, she sneaks down and turns things on. We take her stuff, she goes to the library "to do homework" or borrows a friends... She has even conned the neighbor into giving her their modem password! She has hacked my i tunes, amazon... you name it... It is maddening! Which is why I need to STOP. There has got to be a better way....
Last night I worried that shutting the modem off at 10 would lead to cutting or some other drama. My husband removed the modem from it's normal home and brought it upstairs with him when our teen wouldn't go to bed. He knows not to confront her, but I thought the act would just set her off. There was no way I was sleeping... She was sitting in the office spouting about what a BITCH I was and that I had NO RIGHT and she wanted to live somewhere else, hated all of us and hoped I would die in a ditch... blah blah blah... I told her I would still love her no matter what. That was it. I went to the living room, turned on the TV and waited. 20 minutes later she got up and went upstairs, slammed her door, went to sleep. This morning it was as if nothing happened. Breathe. This is my life.
She has "NEW" friends in a neighboring town. Kids she talks to on Skype (so I can see they are kids) but I don't know them and it's not sitting well with me. One of them is her "BOYFRIEND" which also freaks me out because - let's face it - she's never met him. I know my teen wants a boyfriend. I know she's pretty awkward socially and this is probably the best she can do... but I don't think it's good. She spends HOURS in her room alone with her "friends". She has been caught "sexting" topless photos a year ago and last night I caught her in her room with her bra on and when I questioned her she said "NO - and anyway it's a sports bra so it's like a bathing suit..." Her sister later confirmed that she saw pics of my teen in the outfit...UGHHH. I keep telling her that I feel she's making some poor decisions. I keep telling her to get outside, get some exercise, invite a friend over... I made her go to the movies with me yesterday. She wanted to stay in her PJs in her room all day... Isolation is NOT GOOD.
I need to keep trusting the professionals. I am not going to cure my daughter of her mood disorder and I should not let it rule my life. We have a good therapist, P-doc and while not 100% sold - we have an IEP at school and she is doing better than last year. I will worry; that is my job, but it will not consume me.
I feel like a rainy Monday morning. The good thing is that rainy Monday mornings are over by noon.
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