Shopping Helps.

I had some Christmas gift cards so I decided to go to the GAP for some vacation shirts and khaki pants. The store I went to was a big stand alone number - not in a shopping mall. I had no idea the GAP sold so much beyond classic sweaters and jeans. The workout gear, intimates, fragrance... it was a bit overwhelming.

I grabbed a few things and went to the fitting room. I still have a hard time with sizes. I don't want to take my clothes off more than once, so I typically go big so I don't have to face the embarrassment of too tight... It still strikes me as crazy that 10s are too big. I hold them up, they look small. I look in the mirror and I am shocked at the size of my thighs, and my baggy undies because I still don't know how to size those things...Pants were too big, and I am not a large shirt, t-shirt or sweater either.

Is it weird that I still feel like a fraud? I picture walking up to the cashier and being questioned about gift receipts; because the clothes I'm buying couldn't possibly be for me.

It's nice sometimes to have that surprise of being smaller than you think. It's nice to look sometimes in a full length mirror in undies because I don't have one at home. It's a very strange feeling to have to get to know who I am physically. I've had a fat me in my mind for a long time.