Monday, June 09, 2014

Crisis is Not How I Want to Live My Life.

It is inevitable that when bad things happen a pity party ensues "WHY ME? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME! WHAT HAVE I DONE (or not done) TO DESERVE THIS??"

I am a crier and yesterday I sobbed. My 14 year old daughter lied to me and went to a "friends" house over night. The "friend" is someone I've never met. The "friend" lives 17 miles away. I thought my daughter was a mile up the street with a family I trust to care for her. Instead she is somewhere else and I am oblivious. I caught her in a lie yesterday morning. I found out where she was and went to get her. Because of her mood disorder I did my best to not confront or escalate. When she's caught her immediate reaction is ANGER. She is rarely apologetic (even if she mutters the words "I'm sorry").

"This is not OK." That was all I said.

My stomach ached. My mind was spinning, my hands shaking and the tears... I waited until I was alone and just sobbed. I want so much to believe that she wouldn't do these things - that she wouldn't be one of "those" kids. I am sick about the what ifs... sex, drugs... SICK. I did not tell my husband. He can not handle this. Our daughter lies and steals and her remorse is getting caught. She wants what she wants and doesn't care who she hurts to satisfy her needs. She is ill. She needs help and more than I can give her. 

I was no angel, but I could never have done something like this. EVER. It is beyond the realm of my comprehension. 

So now what?! 

I wish I had a 3rd party coach. Not a therapist per se, but someone to just tell me what to do?! In the meantime, I need to get it together. The pity party is over. It has to be. I have to get my daughter more / better help. She can not see how her actions affect the family. She can not see the danger in her behavior. I honestly think she will be in the hospital before the end of the summer. It is all I have been trying to fight... I want her to build on positive experiences like camp... but I worry that she wont make it to that point. 

I took the day off. My head is aching. I'm going to get the house picked up and then take my dog for the longest walk. Electrician is coming to fix a light in the kitchen and inspect this afternoon. BREATHE. BREATHE. 

Can I get to the gym? 

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