Friday, July 04, 2014

Stuck in a Rutt

I don't know why I am stuck - I just am.

I run around crazy getting my kids to their activities, making sure they are fed and healthy and OK. This does not fulfill me and I actually end my day numb in front of the TV for HOURS trying to find something to catch my attention. I don't feel like cooking dinner or eating healthy. I don't feel like going to the pool after dinner or the gym or a bike ride or a walk with my dog.

I am stuck.

I don't want to be stuck. Last summer I remember spinning weekly, not skipping. I remember looking in the mirror at a body I had not seen in decades. I remember being powerful and in charge and looking forward to new challenges with my new body. I don't feel this way today. I intend on going to spin and then... I don't.

I am stuck. I am anxious and irritated and annoyed. I feel like I am waiting for the planets to align - or for some sort of signal to make a change, start something new, BE in a habit... get back the power. Am I depressed? I wonder if I am depressed.

I know there are parts of my life that are not good - finances, marriage, diet... But I am basically healthy, still smaller than I've been in decades (though a little muffin-toppy) - and full of potential. I have good friends, a supportive family and I love my children. I want my marriage to be better but I don't know how to do it. I am disappointed constantly - talk without action - empty promises. I know he's got his own struggles, but I can not help him until he wants to help himself.

I don't want to be poor. I want my kids to have things I did not. I want to be there for my older daughter who is chronically ill. I will not leave her to her own devices and convince myself that she's fine. I have to work on a better living situation for me. I need to make peace. I need to figure out how to deal with my feelings of "not good enough" of being dismissed, of being disregarded. I need to advocate and act like I want more than I have...

I know I am stuck. I need to do something new.

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