Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Evaluation and Self-Check

I have these fits of over eating followed by waves of remorse, kicking myself for messing up; wanting a 'do over'. Every morning I start out with the best of intentions and then one stupid thoughtless trip to KFC and my clean eating hopes are dashed for another day. I feel like I am gaining weight. I feel flabby and I want to get a grip on it now and not 40 lbs from now. I want to love my body for what it is. I think I was there last summer. I felt so empowered and in control. This year it's almost as if I don't deserve to be thin - or I have this demon on my shoulder telling me that regaining is inevitable. It doesn't have to be. I won't let it.

Real food and real meals used to feed real hunger and not emotion. Healthy living; being mindful of what I need; being kind to my body and my mind. I love the WHOLE 30 tough love philosophy. It makes sense. I need to work every day to follow the plan and make it part of my life.

This depression that I've fallen into has to get better. I've thought seriously about making a trip to the P-doc for some meds. It's hard to pull out and do the things that will make you better when you feel so shitty - lethargic, apathetic. Sometimes the meds take the edge off, give you the push you need to go for a walk, see a situation differently and not get irritated, make a healthy choice. I don't know why I am so resistant. I guess it's true that I do feel like a failure for taking a pill. Like I would be picking the easy way... cheating.

I miss my kids. They make me crazy when they are here, but I feel so empty without them - purposeless. I am a MOM - It's how I've defined myself for 14+ years. Perhaps this is something I have to look at more closely. Shouldn't my life be defined by the person I am and not the job that I do?

I need to challenge myself the next few days - Spin and / or exercise, no eating after dinner, tackle one house hold chore. Be kind to the husband. Be kind to me.

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