Why I get up at 4 a.m. on a Saturday

The youngest is sleeping over at a friends. The oldest is sound asleep for at least 6 more hours and the husband couldn't possibly snore any louder... I am up, took my pill, dressed and walked the dog. I am ready to drive 35 miles west to run 5 miles with my sisters and drink coffee. It's why I get up at 4 a.m. on a Saturday.

My sisters are my best friends and even if they weren't, my best (childhood)friend usually joins us as well. It is a catch up, gossip, advice seeking session that I look forward to pretty much every week. As long as there's not snow on the sidewalk or the temps are above 20 we are out and running, or riding our bikes.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I ate chocolate for the first time in years and at least 4 pieces. It was all homemade - goat's milk fudge and caramels and it was delicious! The caramels especially. I enjoyed it and now it's gone - I'll have no more. It kept me up for most of the night... I'm not sure when the decision was made, but I'll only have 100% homemade "treats" when I deem them "worth it" and they were. It was the start of the 4-H season so kids made things with goat's milk. Our contribution was fudge. We haven't made it before and it's not easy. In fact it didn't come out very well - It didn't set up like it was supposed to.... but it tasted OK and that's what matters. I really love those goats!

So today I will pay for the chocolate and maybe I'll sneak in a nap, but I won't give up my Saturday run. I NEED this time to reset, renew and take on whatever is in store for the week ahead. I don't know why I am so anxious. I feel like things could fall apart at any moment and I'm just pretending they won't by going through the motions... An impending sense of doom. Weird. I'll need to think about this some more...