In a Funk, and NOT Accepting it.

My eating has been way off. It's as if there are two beings living inside of me.

There is the athlete, the runner, the biker, the person who wants to be strong and fit and participate. This person wants to eat well and look strong. This person wants to be present.

The other being is lazy and mindless and always hungry. This being eats all the time and can justify every bite. This being loves to hide in plain sight; in front of the TV letting the daylight slip away. This being is miserable. I don't want to be this being.

I want my life back. I want to be present, participate, be social. I don't like the behavior of the last few weeks and I'm working to pinpoint it's cause. Why the Fuck-its? Why did I grab a cookie on my way out for a walk? - a food I haven't eaten (or even wanted to eat in years!!) Why did I choose apple crisp at the orchard over soft serve or *news flash* an apple? What is going on!?

I alluded to the stressors in my life yesterday and I'm really trying to tap the cause. If I know what it is can I figure out another way to deal with it other than to fill my face? Can I be kinder to my body? Can I be kinder to my self?

Lots of stress and moving parts. Lots of worrying. TO WHAT END?

I need to practice some self care. Self care is NOT a cookie. I will not accept my current state. I will not slide further. The fall has just started and it's a long way to spring. I will NOT repeat last winter. NOT HAPPENING. Whatever it takes. I'll do.