Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Here I am... In my rut...

I did a few positive things this weekend... went to SPIN and to Body Flow and a Meditation clinic . Unfortunately it did little to improve my mood or how I related to the DH, the teen and the little one... I've felt close to tears every day, and bitchy and resentful. I need a time out....

Starting a meditation practice makes me realize how scattered my thoughts are. I should not multitask... I need to focus on one thing at a time. Impossible, but I keep trying. I don't know if I'm really depressed. I'm not feeling hopeless. I don't feel empty. I think it's more "Crisis Mode" subsiding and there are still issues present and on-going.. PTSD. I honestly want to work a homeopathic solution - meditation, acupuncture, exercise... versus pharmaceutical. I'm not against pills per se, but the side effects sometimes leave me feeling worse - enough that I'll tough it out for now.

The teen is where she needs to be and I'll be fighting with the schools to make sure she gets an education. This is the true downside of mental illness for kids... She's faking it, lazy, just trying to get out doing anything... If it were cancer her school would be bending over backward to help. I've decided not to screw around. I'm hiring another advocate and/or a lawyer. Whatever it takes to help my daughter graduate.

As for food - I bought a tray of mini corn muffins and ate 3 or 4 before I could throw them out... I've had animal cookies, a Special K bar - things I haven't eaten in a long time. I lost my FITBIT again!

I've ordered the book

Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently

I heard Dr. Ludwig on local public radio and it seems like the diet I've been trying to follow; though I'm curious to learn his version. Of course I really just want to be lighter and healthier.

I'd really just like to get out of this rut.

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