Where to Begin?

 Seems weird to think that my last post on this blog was pre-pandemic. So much has happened, so much is the same it's a little bit crazy to try and process an update? 

My oldest is trekking across the country for the second summer. She has a boyfriend and a plan to finish out her senior year and GRADUATE. This is all I want from her as a mom, besides her being able to work and care for herself (emotionally and financially). Fingers crossed. My youngest has an ROTC scholarship to college, she's working and making the most of her "last" summer before professional commitments and new adventures take her away from all that she knows now. I am both so psyched about what life holds in store for both of my girls, while feeling sad about the transition I will experience with them gone. 

COVID was not good for me. I was completely thrown off my game. My family was home 24/7, working and school and there was no place to go - our house is pretty small. DH is hard of hearing so his ZOOM calls seemed to echo through the house, stressing the rest of us, but I had to stay neutral to keep the peace. The girls at least had their own rooms; I had the car... and then I went to work alone... I am someone who needs (craves) a clean house and the constant cooking, art projects, clothes... it was A LOT for me to live with... I was stressed and I ate. Lots of take out. Twenty pounds. I am still over 200; numbers I NEVER thought I'd see again. I tried WW again and lost about 12 pounds, Plenity (a new drug I could get online) and finally I went back to a hypnotist and; it's finally working for me. 

It has only been 9 days, but I have zero cravings, I'm staying on track and I feel really good. I took photos when I started and since I am not weighing myself; I'll continue to do so monthly...Stay tuned? I want to feel better; be better; do better... I guess this is a good place to begin. 

My Life Has Not UPDATED....

These are my best buds - Miss Agnes turning 10 ; and our newest addition, Miss Maisy, will be one - both dogs with May birthdays. We've nearly made it through the puppy stage - shoes and rugs be damned. They are sweet pals. And here I am, living the dream... right?  No, not exactly and I can't seem to pinpoint why I feel so stuck. I'm stressed out, anxious, apathetic and tired all the time; and I'm truly sick of it. I should feel blessed.

My oldest daughter is a sophomore in college, doing her best at being a grown up and I worry about her all the time. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from the trauma of her teen years, because my heart races whenever I see her number pop up. In the last year I've had less than a handful of  crying calls - perhaps fewer that any college mom should expect, and yet I still feel that pit in my stomach - reasonable or not.

My  younger daughter is navigating high school in a much different way. She participates, has friends and does her home work. She's a good kid and a teenager and I stress about her too.

And we're trying to pay for college without taking out loans and barely paying our bills right now which also stresses me out. This is normal, right?

And my mom is getting older and forgetting about plans we've made or calling me frustrated with a glitch on her phone and not socializing as much as I wish she would. And she's worried about being sick or taking pills or going to a book club which stresses me out further because its not reasonable. I worry and feel guilty because it's hard to be with her too often.

I work every day and feel like a fraud. I have coworkers who are so passionate about what they do, and although I'm proud of some things I've accomplished, I don't FEEL the passion on a daily basis. There are many days I just can't do anything... I waste hours and look forward to taking a day off because I really just want to get off the life carousel.

And this brings me to the feeling of meh. ZERO motivation for months. I keep insisting that I will fake it til I make it and then I use all of my excuses to watch TV and not go to the gym. I've paid for classes and looked for weight loss schemes to keep me accountable even though we have a perfectly good gym membership w/ plenty of classes to get in shape. I've dieted long enough to know what I should eat for weight loss, I don't need to pay WW or anyone else. And it's cold and dark and once I come home from work I'm hungry and have dogs to walk and care for and it's so hard to go back out. And I search for sweets, I search for crap - my diet is awful and a non issue. Since I was sick last May I've gained 20lbs? More? I look terrible, dress terrible, and to be honest, there's not a lot of self care. I'm jealous of my boss - now an exercise guru and 30 lbs lighter, and my sister who's signed on to Crossfit and looking great. Yes, GREEN WITH ENVY. When will it be my turn?

So in an effort to NOT GIVE UP I just signed up for a "FREE" weight loss program with our new insurance. They'll send me a scale that will sync with my phone and provide the services of an online coach. The scale should arrive in 3-5 days (b/c the one I have just isn't good enough?!) and then I'll jump on and face the music AGAIN. It's January after all - Diet time!?! What I do know is that I must do something. This malaise has to break at some point... and if it doesn't I'll have to find some meds... The SAD lamp might help - if I took it out of its case. Yes, I'm grasping for anything...
So is this really a publishable "update"? Really it's just an chance for you to see that status is UNCHANGED like a hamster on a wheel, here I am, going nowhere... still.

It's Amazing How Little I've Changed...

I had a health scare in May - a stroke? and an intense bout of vertigo I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Following a million tests and a stay in the hospital I spent much of June feeling like crap and the remainder of the summer trying to pretend I was better. AND I ate too much and I gained weight and here it is nearly November. The holidays are right around the corner. My least favorite time of year. I think my thyroid is out of whack, and I just can't bear walking into my primary care doctor's office with all this extra weight. I always feel so judged.

I am somewhat depressed. I am a little overwhelmed. meh.

Funny how little I feel life has changed this year. Same job. Same problems. Same old ruminations. I feel stuck and fat and flat emotionally. And why I can't get over it is beyond me.

Kids are fine.

DH is ... better?...but not much.

I have a new puppy (stupid idea) and my same old love dog who is now 10.

I ran a little Saturday. I started Pilates. I've signed up for 2 5K races. My diet sucks. I'm eating bread again and it makes me feel crappy. I eat it anyway.

Still Here and Still the Same...

Here I am. Still here. 188 pounds - not where I want to be. Running, not running... not much consistency and not much by way of motivation.

I'm trying to figure out what my plan is.

This has been a weird time for me. My oldest is calling less which is good.She is independent and much more confident. I'm SO thrilled for her; she has really put in the work with therapy, self care, and a positive vision for her future. She is thriving.

The younger one is typical teen. She's working hard in school... sometimes. She is running track and pushing herself to be her best.... sometimes. She is driven, has an idea of what she wants to do; and where she wants to go to school... sometimes.

She failed her driving test this weekend - a hard blow to someone used to A's. Lots of tears. And failure is good sometimes. It build resiliency. It helps teens grow - to manage their feelings, know it's temporary, know they can overcome. And for MOM, it's SO HARD. You hate seeing the hurt; you want to fix it.

The DH is slowly coming out of the fog of depression... He had a little bit of a wake up call with his doctor that has compelled him to reassess his drinking and his diet. He's dropped 15 pounds in the last two weeks; though has a lot more to go so I hope he will stick with it. I am helping as I can; though I am done trying to FIX him.

I have so much to fix in me.

Where I'm at...

It's February and I am thankful to be through the worst of the winter. The days are getting lighter, longer, and today it will be 60 degrees. Yes, a big tease for winter haters; I'm confident we'll have a lot more snow, cold and yuck ahead. Patience is what I need for the next 6 weeks or so.

We're going to Florida mid March (just the DH and I) and I want to be in a better place than I am right now. I'm having a hard time staying on track - 3 days on, 1 day off - 2 meals on .... you get the picture. I stopped the couch to 10K plan since I didn't want to spend the money on added features and I wanted to track my workouts better - not just run for 30 minutes. Not that I've been killing it; but I've been doing a Galloway method - warm up, run, walk, sprint, run walk until I hit 3 miles. It's helping, though the treadmill makes my knees ache. I want to run outside, but SNOW - COLD... You really can't run when it's 2 degrees (last Saturday morning :(). Florida? Beach? Stay tuned.

Happily, this is the first winter in many years that I haven't been depressed. I am cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to make it through this SADD season unscathed. I'm actually feeling more motivated and ready to take on the challenge of a road race (or three?)

Of course I have to have several good days in a row; RUN more often and more consistently; like today for example.

I'm playing hooky from work. I got my hair cut at 8 a.m. and started organizing tax stuff. My W2s are at work which put off the actual execution of the process, but looking at what I have; I'm feeling OK about where we'll end up... I really need a refund? I hate the uncertainty of this new tax law!

I'm avoiding the scale. I will get on it again soon since I have 8 days until I officially check in with the Endo's nurse - the evil one...."were you expecting this?" her December snark regarding a 5lb weight gain. Although I lost in January, I'm not confident that I'll lose again because I haven't been loss-focused for several days - Superbowl... I need to get over the "holidays-give-you-permission-to-eat-with-abandon" thing...

Can I ever get back into writing on a regular basis? Can I ?

Stay tuned; I have to get on the stick. I want to be OK in shorts (forget the bathing suit)- that gives me a whole 6 weeks.
UGH....

A Month Into the New Year...

I've been steadily writing and not posting for no good reason. I'll have a few good days and think "this is the week" and then like last week - I had DH's company party, followed by 2 days of eating; even though I weighed in and was down 3 lbs to 184.5; since mid December. This morning I stupidly ate a spoonful of slice and bake cookie dough (comfort food of the little one and her friend) followed by protein oatmeal with blueberries and almond milk. Part two is fine, but eating the cookie dough set the tone... I need to re-frame. I can't let this screw up my whole day.

As for fitness, I finished almost 2 weeks of "Couch to 10K" and then Winter. I have to pick it up this week again;  a few missed workouts should not derail me; I need to re-frame.

Today I'm taking my oldest back to college. It's been a LONG break and I'll be so happy to resume the routine I had last fall. It's so much easier having one kid at home. She's much more independent, lots of friends, and resourceful when it comes to getting rides. It makes it easier for me to work and stay later as needed. Work has suffered this last 6 weeks. I feel like a slacker really distracted with the holidays and I've let some stuff slide.

I want better. Cookie dough be damned!

I've been using MFP again and it's helped some with accounting. I have another appointment at the end of this month - my actual physical and I so wanted to be in the 170's We'll see. if I can get it together.

Black Friday...

Found some deals and did some Christmas shopping. In fact, I think I'm almost done; or at least done with the big presents; and all on line. Yeah.

I ate too much. 

I drank wine; though not as much as I have in past years. 

I don't really like it so much anymore. 

I have things to do tomorrow, although I am psyched to go to the spa in the afternoon. Meeting my sister and taking my kids along. I have a $300 gift card that I'm going to use towards the visit.It's going to be awesome; way over due.

But first, the girls are driving to a far away mall for Black Friday shopping... at midnight.... I'm not a fan. I hate for them to be out -- in the freezing cold --- an hour away --- when I really want to not worry and get a good night's rest. DH is in bed; oblivious; still buzzed from a day with the family. There are times when I just want to tell him to stay home - do what he wants; OR stop acting like going to my sister's house is some sort of punishment. 

Meh.

And now I have to reel it all in. No more drinking, eating with abandon. No more sweets, junk... No more appetizers - endless chips or crackers or NUTS!  Wasted calories. Eat meals, real food, no processed crap. 

I have to start losing weight again. I feel like I squandered the fall, and I have no excuses.